Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A man jumped to his death at a mall in China after his girlfriend insisted they keep on shopping. The only other way to die faster at a mall is to stand in front of Abercrombie & Fitch and yell “50 percent off everything!”

A study says that people who can ignore texts or calls on their cellphone are likely to be more contented. They also have no job, wife or friends.

A study says that people who can ignore texts or calls on their cellphone are likely to be more contented. Either that or they use AT&T and never have any texts or calls that ever reach them.

A study says that constantly taking pictures stops the brain from remembering the event. Which is why men can never remember their anniversary when their wife has decorated the house with all their wedding photos.

The CBO says Americans at the bottom 40% of income paid negative income taxes. Which means they must be using the same tax accountants as the upper 1%.

Chinese scientists say they are close to developing an invisible cloak. Apparently it is almost as good at making Chinese people disappear as walking outside into the smog.

The NFL says there will be no tailgating allowed at the Super Bowl in New Jersey in February. Which means it’s either the mob or the unions who have gotten the rights to serve the concessions inside the stadium.

A florist in London has designed a $4.6 Million Christmas wreath. The wreath itself is worth $25. The rest is the FTD delivery charge.

A study says that exercise helps people with dementia think more clearly. For one thing, working out helps them remember why they quit exercising when they were younger.

Facebook has joined NYU to develop a center for artificial intelligence. Which is the kind of intelligence people develop when they get on Facebook and read all their friends’ inane posts all day.

Tech companies are calling for an end to government snooping online. Apparently the companies are mad that the NSA is getting all the good information to sell to advertisers first.

Detroit is planning to start work to fix the half of the city’s 88,000 street lights that aren’t working. The only problem is that Detroit looks its best in the complete and total darkness.

The South Pole race that was to include Prince Harry has been called off because of the danger of the terrain. Which is also sad in that Duchess Camilla won’t be able to go and do her part in pulling the supply sled.

A passenger napping on a United Airlines flight in Houston woke up to find the plane empty and locked. Apparently he forgot to pay in advance for the new United wake-you-up-and-let-you-know-the-plane-has-landed-and-everyone-is-leaving fee.

A study says that a U.S. TV campaign in Pakistan asking the people to stop hating America has not worked. Apparently the Pakistanis say the way to get them to use TV to have them stop hating America is to quit sending over episodes of “The Kardashians.”

A leak says that government spies snooped on people playing the online game “World of Warcraft.” The only question is why is the government wasting their time trying to track the movements of people who haven’t left their basements in the past five years?

A study says that crocodiles may not be as dumb as were once thought and may actually use tools. How else can they make all those shirts that have their picture on them?

NASA says an ancient lake on Mars may have supported life at one time. Of course, they are saying the same thing about the East River.

Former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been sentenced to 90 days of home confinement for grabbing and fondling women while in office. Who did he think he was, some kind of college quarterback?

George Zimmerman’s girlfriend says she wants to drop charges of assaulting her with a gun and “be with him.” After all this time that people thought Cupid was armed with a bow and arrow, it turns out he was actually carrying an AR-15.

George Zimmerman’s girlfriend says she wants to drop charges of assaulting her with a gun and “be with him.” They are such a great match. He likes to use hollow point bullets and she just happens to be a dum-dum.

The U.S. Airways and American Airlines merger has been approved, making it the world’s largest air carrier. Imagine the joy of getting treated to the poor service of U.S. Airways while sitting for hours on the tarmac at the same time enjoying missing your connecting flights with the pathetic on time record of American.

The U.S. Airways and American Airlines merger has been approved, making it the world’s largest air carrier. Even United Airlines is happy about the deal, thinking it may finally have a decent chance of not being the butt of all future airlines jokes.

Household wealth in the U.S. has reached a record high of $77.3 Trillion. The bad part is that money actually belongs to only three households.

Household wealth in the U.S. has reached a record high of $77.3 Trillion. What’s sad is that Americans are considered wealthy now if they even have a household.

Household wealth in the U.S. has reached a record high of $77.3 Trillion. Of course, that doesn’t include the House of Representatives which has spent their way down to $16 Trillion in the hole.

A study says the U.S. auto bailout saved 1.5 Million jobs. The bad part is that a lot of those jobs were for people who make Chryslers.

A study says the U.S. auto bailout saved 1.5 Million jobs. What’s bad is that most of those jobs were for the Chinese workers who are making all the auto parts used in Detroit.

The labor force has dropped from 66% to 63% participation in the past six years because of workers retiring, going on disability and the slow economy. But mostly because there aren’t enough jobs around for the other 37% because of all the people who are working two and three jobs to try to make ends meet.

The government has sold its last stock in GM from the 2009 bailout, costing taxpayers $10 Billion. It could have been worse. The Treasury could have used that money to invest in Facebook stock instead.

A Harvard study says that millions of Americans are paying too big of a percentage of their income on rent. Mostly the people who don’t have enough money left over from their income after paying off their Harvard tuition loans.

The fattest British child on record, a five year old weighing 145 pounds was taken into government custody. People were shocked. How can anyone get fat while only having English food around to eat?

The fattest British child on record, a five year old weighing 145 pounds was taken into government custody. Apparently the family was planning on sneaking into the U.S. and figured having a fat child was the best way to blend in.

Sales of diet soda are down a reported 7% as people are finding they don’t help them lose weight. Apparently the problem comes when the diet sodas are used to wash down the seven Big Macs they are eating for lunch.

A report says that a child is taken to the ER ever hour for an accident involving a high chair. That kids just needs to take a break from the table once in awhile.

A report says that a child is taken to the ER ever hour for an accident involving a high chair. It might have to do with our kids spending so much time in their high chairs eating that the chairs can fall over easily from being so top heavy.

Forbes says the most overpaid actor is Adam Sandler. Entertainment experts were shocked. Adam Sandler gets paid?

Forbes says the most overpaid actor is Adam Sandler. Hollywood was shocked. Since when has anyone considered Adam Sandler an actor?

Lady Gaga was spotted in London dressed as a Christmas tree. Apparently she was just using the pine scent to cover the smell of that meat dress which is getting pretty rank by now.

Sarah Palin’s show “Amazing America” will air on the Sportsman Channel. Apparently it will be shown right after another new Republican personality program, “Dick Cheney’s Celebrity Face Shooting.”

Britney Spears says that appearing on Kevin Federline’s “Chaotic” reality show was the worst move of her career. Other than marrying Kevin Federline and having two children with Kevin Federline and ever meeting Kevin Federline.

Britney Spears says that appearing on Kevin Federline’s “Chaotic” reality show was the worst move of her career. How bad is it when your ex-wife regrets you more than being placed under a conservatorship, crashing several cars and shaving her head?

Former “Full House” child star Candace Cameron-Bure says she will not appear naked or do any sex scenes. Apparently she is giving herself as much of a chance of advancing her career as Dave Coulier. 

Kanye West is comparing the risks of performing on stage to being a police officer or fighting a war. Apparently he was referring to when he knows that Kris Jenner will be hanging around offstage after the show.

Kanye West is comparing the risks of performing on stage to being a police officer or fighting a war. Which is interesting as the people in the audience make the same comparisons, saying it’s like being waterboarded or suffering police brutality.

A live performance of “The Sound of Music” on NBC attracted 18.6 Million viewers. Or as NBC calls an audience of 18.6 Million, a pretty good decade.

A live performance of “The Sound of Music” on NBC attracted 18.6 Million viewers. Apparently people wanted to see if it was possible to have a show with a household of kids who become famous without any sex tapes, fighting and having no actual talents.

The Chicago Bears have retired Mike Ditka’s jersey. The Hall of Fame tight end and coach is a throwback to the days where players didn’t need to take steroids to become belligerent and violent jerks.

UC Davis has introduced mobile mental health help for their students. Apparently it is most widely used right around the time that semester tuition payments are due.

Virgin Galactic says that commercial trips to the Moon could be a reality by 2043. It’s for people who want to travel to a desolate, uninhabitable and unfriendly landscape but are too nervous about taking a trip to Afghanistan.

A Philadelphia woman’s collection of 140,000 video taped newscasts dating back to the 1970s will be digitalized and put online. The entire library consists of more than a million hours of air time. Of course, that can be cut back to a couple of hundred hours if they just cut the phrases “You won’t believe what happened”, “Exclusive video” and “We are experience technical problems”.

The all time record cold temperature on Earth of -135.8 degrees was recorded in Antarctica recently. Apparently it wasn’t all that bad since researches say it was a dry cold.

The all time record cold temperature on Earth of -135.8 degrees was recorded in Antarctica recently. It broke the old record cold temperature that was measured when Kanye West and Taylor Swift accidentally entered the same room.

Researchers say the number of British seniors going to the hospital for treatment for using illicit drugs is on the increase. Maybe it’s just time for Keith Richards to admit he is slowing down a bit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 14 shopping days left before Christmas. Then another month after that to go to the stores and return all the gifts everyone gave you so you can get what you really want. As for me, all I ever ask for is that you keep sending the love!

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