Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Tests show that American adults score lower than the international average when it comes to math, reading and problem solving. Which goes a long way in explaining how Congress managed to shut down the government.

Tests show that American adults score lower than the international average when it comes to math, reading and problem solving. Which explains the problems with our kids, because that’s where they go for help with their schoolwork.

Republican Senator Jim Inhofe went in for a colonoscopy and instead had heart surgery. So who did the surgery, a cardiologist or proctologist?

Republican Senator Jim Inhofe went in for a colonoscopy and instead had heart surgery. That serves him right for being one of the first to enlist in Obamacare.

Republican Senator Jim Inhofe went in for a colonoscopy and instead had heart surgery. To which Dick Cheney says “That’s how they found my heart, too.”

The Denver Broncos are a 28 point favorite over the Jacksonville Jaguars this Sunday, the biggest point spread in Las Vegas history. What’s even worse for the Jaguars is that the spread would be three points less if the Broncos played the Chicago Cubs.

Ford is developing a self-parking car. That’s nothing new. Chryslers have been seen permanently parking themselves on the side of the road for years.

A historian claims that China discovered the New World 70 years before Columbus. Most Chinese don’t care if they get credit for finding America. They are just happy knowing that they now own it.

Carnegie Mellon University researchers have created an app they claim can’t be broken by the NSA. Apparently it is based on contractions used by their students in their text messages that no one can understand.

The Chinese are warning the U.S. about not extending the debt ceiling. Apparently they are concerned about protecting their investments. Which is pretty much the U.S. national debt.

The new $100 bills cost the government 12.5 cents each to make. Which is about the same ratio as how Congress does business, spending a hundred dollars for every twelve and a half cents they make.

A study says that children from humble beginnings have only a 30% chance of making it to the middle class. Which isn’t that bad because you pretty much need to be a multi-millionaire to be able to afford what used to be considered middle class.

Daylight Saving Time changes are causing some problems in the Holy Land. Palestine, Jordan and Israel have staggered time change dates. The rest of the Middle East is all on the same clock, set to 1200 B.C.

Researchers say that Sprite is the best cure for a hangover. But apparently it doesn’t count if you are using it as a mixer.

Researchers say that Sprite is the best cure for a hangover. Meaning that people who drink Sprite instead of alcohol won’t feel hung over.

President Obama says that a U.S. default on its debt would trigger “chaos”. So what does he call what we are in now?

The new $100 bill is the first redesign of the denomination since 1996. To reflect the times, the main difference is that Ben Franklin is now depicted as wearing a barrel and hitchhiking.

Microsoft is reportedly interested in hiring Ford CEO Alan Mulally as their new CEO. The only difference between the companies is that if Microsoft was building cars, they would come with a two speed transmission. Neutral and reverse.

Microsoft has paid a researcher $100,000 for finding a way around Windows 8 protection. Apparently got right through all the defenses by pretty much turning on his computer.

Microsoft has paid a researcher $100,000 for finding a way around Windows 8 protection. Now they just need to offer a reward to someone who can get Windows 8 to work.

A court has ruled that an unpaid intern is not an employee and is therefore not protected by sexual harassment laws. To which Bill Clinton is saying “Is it too late for me to run for President again?”

A court has ruled that an unpaid intern is not an employee and is therefore not protected by sexual harassment laws. That isn’t going to help the unemployment situation with the boss now knowing if he hires someone to work for free he can also hit on them.

The European Union has voted to ban menthol cigarettes. The only bad part is that doctors won’t be able to lighten the mood when they inform people they have  lung cancer that at least they smell minty fresh.

Experts say that people should pick a simple exercise routine if they want it to last. The only problem that most people think the most simple exercise they do all day is walk to the refrigerator and back from the couch.

A neuroscientist says that MRI scans show that dogs have similar emotions to humans. To which other neuroscientists are saying aren’t there better ways to use your MRI machine?

A neuroscientist says that MRI scans show that dogs have similar emotions to humans. Although he admits he still has yet to see a person jump around the room uncontrollably when they are asked if they want to go for a ride.

A New York school has banned children from playing with balls or playing tag during recess. Apparently those activities increase the risk of a gun falling out of one of their pockets and hurting someone.

A New York school has banned children from playing with balls or playing tag during recess. The embarrassing part is that the school is Cornell University.

A study says that the death rate actually rises in good economic times. Which makes sense. How dangerous can it be to sit on the couch all day waiting for the unemployment check to arrive?

A study says that the death rate actually rises in good economic times. Which shows that President Obama’s economic policies are doing more for people’s health than Obamacare.

A study says that smartphone weight loss apps don’t have great results. Mostly because the only workout they ever actually get with their phone is moving their thumbs to write and send thousands of text messages every day.

A study says that looking at pictures of food can make eating less enjoyable. Which is hard to believe because all those fast food pictures we see in commercials are obviously not scaring away any customers.

A study says that appendix removal on weekends is not any more risky than those performed during the week. The only exception is when the patient went into the hospital for gall bladder surgery.

A study says that airport noise is lined to an increased risk of heart problems. Especially when the airport noise is “Welcome to United Airlines.”

Tom Hanks says he is suffering from Type 2 Diabetes. Apparently he just got too “Big”.

Tom Hanks says he is suffering from Type 2 Diabetes. What’s worse is that he tried to practice giving injections on Wilson and popped him.

Tom Hanks says he is suffering from Type 2 Diabetes. He’s just another Hollywood star who is a victim of Type 2 casting.

Kenny Rogers says that he and Dolly Parton never had an affair, but there was always a “tension”. Although the most tension Parton ever experienced was when she saw Rogers after his face lift surgery.

Taylor Swift won a record 6th songwriter/artist of the year award from the Nashville Songwriters Association. She also won an environmental award for being able to recycle the same song so many times.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has opened up about her struggle with anorexia in high school. Fans of the show were shocked. Snooki went to high school?

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has opened up about her struggle with anorexia in high school. Which was probably nothing compared to battling alcohol, violence and morons she had to deal with on “Jersey Shore”.

Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman were named “Best Global Actors” by an organization in China. Apparently movies with Cage and Kidman are the highest selling films according to almost all the country’s film pirates.

Bruce and Kris Jenner have confirmed they have split up, saying they are “happier apart.” Apparently he is worried about his health. It’s hard to walk around their house without the fear of turning around and being hit by a camera.

The NFL says it is planning on playing three games in London in 2014, featuring the Jacksonville Jaguars, Atlanta Falcons and Oakland Raiders. Mostly because those teams are the most similar to the way the English play football, without touching the ball with their hands.

A Colorado 6th grader will have his beer experiment sent up to the International Space Station. Which asks the question, why is a 6th grader making beer?

A Colorado 6th grader will have his beer experiment sent up to the International Space Station. Apparently the experiment was unusual in that it is the only beer to come out of Colorado that actually contains alcohol.

A Colorado 6th grader will have his beer experiment sent up to the International Space Station. Apparently ISS astronauts are excited since they will be able to drink all the beer they want and not gain any weight.

A study says that most CEOs lack vision and leadership with cutting edge computer technology. Mostly because most CEOs are over 50 and have no idea how to even send a tweet.

A study says that most CEOs lack vision and leadership with cutting edge computer technology. Mostly because most CEOs are over 50 and still have a VCR flashing “12:00” hooked up to their analogue TV set at home.

An app called Facetune lets users photoshop pictures of themselves to movie star quality. In fact, everyone thought the latest naked pictures texted by Anthony Weiner were from Brad Pitt.

Toshiba says that 99% of its sales involve Windows 7. What’s even worse is that the other 1% is to people who would rather use Windows 95 as their operating system than Windows 8.

A new coffee maker that claims to eliminate bitterness and the need for sugar is selling for just under $200. In fact, the only bitterness experienced by users is when they realize they just spent a couple hundred dollars for coffee colored water.

A poll says that Australians prefer cheaper broadband with good quality over speed. Which is why AOL has changed it’s e-mail greeting to “You’ve got mail, mate!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you are enjoying the jokes. Hey, they’re free and some might even make you chuckle. Maybe. Make sure you tell your friends about the site and feel free to send me an e-mail yourself, mate. It’s the easiest, quickest and cheapest way to send the love!

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