Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that 83% of the government is still operating during the shutdown. Which is amazing since only about 32% of the government was operating before the shutdown.

Federal officials are telling furloughed employees that checking their e-mail during the shutdown could be a criminal offense. Especially if the e-mails they are opening were sent by Anthony Weiner.

A 9 year old boy got on a flight from Minneapolis to Las Vegas, making it through airport security and without a boarding pass. To which the TSA is now finding out that everything that happens in ‘Vegas doesn’t necessarily stay in ‘Vegas.

Bob Geldof says that all humans will die before 2030 from the effects of climate change. To which most people are OK with if it means no more benefit concerts.

Bob Geldof says that all humans will die before 2030 from the effects of climate change. The worst part of that will be 17 more years of hearing Al Gore say “I told you so!”

A report says that families around the world have been hoarding their cash for the past five years after the economic crash. Or as people used to call that, “a savings account.”

Truckers frustrated with the government are planning to slow down traffic around the Washington, D.C. Beltway starting Friday. The only question is how will anyone be able to tell?

A new book by Johnny Carson’s former lawyer says the late night comedian would carry a .38 pistol. Apparently it was to keep Ed McMahon from coming to his front door trying to sell Publishers Clearing House magazines.

A new book by Johnny Carson’s former lawyer says the late night comedian’s second wife was cheating on him with Frank Gifford. After seeing he was married to Kathie Lee Gifford, Carson gave his blessing saying “I’d be cheating, too.”

A poll says that 9% of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship. The other 91% haven’t thought about it since they are in the country illegally in the first place.

“Sugar Daddy” dating sites that match younger women with older, wealthy men have seen their membership go up 50% since the government shutdown. Apparently all the Washington, D.C. lobbyists feel they need to stay in practice paying somebody for their services until things get back to normal.

A New York City strip club has banned playing Giants football games on their big screen because the fans’ booing their bad play is a distraction to the dancers. If men are watching a football game while there are strippers are on stage, you need to hire better looking women or designate the place as a gay bar.

Educators across the country are debating the value of standardized testing in public schools. After looking at the test scores, they are also debating the value of trying to teach reading, writing or math in public schools.

Churchill Downs, home of the Kentucky Derby will be getting a 15,000 square foot video board. The resolution will be so good, community standards are requiring Miley Cyrus be banned from being within two miles of the track on race day.

A diamond sold for $30.6 Million at an auction in Hong Kong. No one even knew that Kobe Bryant and his wife were fighting again.

Florida Representative Ted Yoho says that not raising the debt ceiling would “bring stability to the world markets.” Is anyone surprised? He lives in Florida and his name is “Yoho”. It sounds like someone just made up that name after going on the Disney ride “Pirates of the Caribbean”.

Nielsen is measuring tweets that are sent out about TV shows while they are being aired. The worst part is that half the tweets sent about TV shows are done while people are driving.

The new $100 bill is set to debut after a delay of several years. And what better time to introduce a new line of currency than right as the country is about to go completely bankrupt?

The new $100 bill is set to debut after a delay of several years. Apparently the old bills were a bit too fire retardant and it was a little difficult for Wall Street bankers to light their cigars with.

Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt is co-writing a book on how to be a successful manager. Apparently all you need to do get one of the world’s most lucrative companies to hire you as CEO and things pretty much work themselves out from there.

Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt is co-writing a book on how to be a successful manager. Apparently it starts with googling “Steve Jobs”.

Americans have cut back on credit card spending for the third straight month. Mostly because most of them aren’t being accepted after falling three years behind in their credit card bill payments.

Americans have cut back on credit card spending for the third straight month. Mostly because they got scared after finding out they actually are running their household like the government.

A government panel is rejecting recommending blood pressure screening for kids and teenagers. Apparently they think it is much more practical to test them for cholesterol, drugs, alcohol and mental illness.

A study comes up with a reason why people who drink heavily are more likely to break bones. Apparently one possibility is that they are always drunk and falling down all over the place.

A study says that people who cheat feel good about it if nobody else was hurt. Especially if it worked to get the Yankees to pay them $250 Million over ten years for playing mediocre baseball.

The American Heart Association says that doctors need to treat people’s unhealthy habits early. The only question is how to get those pamphlets to someone while they are still in utero?

A record 76 films have been entered in the Foreign Language Film category for Oscar consideration. Although three of them were mistakenly put in that classification as they were starring Sylvester Stallone.

A report says that Bruce and Kris Jenner are living separately. Which in the Kardashian family means that they aren’t working on the same reality show.

Scarlett Johansson was picked as the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire Magazine. Mostly because Esquire readers are old enough to consider any woman who is still alive to be sexy.

Scarlett Johansson was picked as the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire Magazine. Cher would have won but was disqualified when it was determined that at least half her parts are not actually living.

Jenny Garth and Tori Spelling from “Beverly Hills 90210” will have a new show on ABC Family called “Mystery Girls”. The real mystery is how did Tori Spelling get an acting job now that her dad isn’t around anymore?

Jenny Garth and Tori Spelling from “Beverly Hills 90210” will have a new show on ABC Family called “Mystery Girls”. The only mystery is how much of the two women is not silicone, Botox or other foreign materials?

Carson Daly has gotten engaged to his long time girlfriend Siri Pinter. Apparently he met her when he asked a question to his iPhone.

Carson Daly has gotten engaged to his long time girlfriend Siri Pinter. Apparently she was the first woman he had met who had actually stayed up late enough to watch “Last Call”.

Pat Haden says that coaches being contacted about the head coaching job at USC were the victims of a hoax. He says it was the biggest coaching hoax ever pulled on USC since Lane Kiffin.

An industry analyst says that Apple may sell 5-10 Million iWatches in the first year. Mostly because Apple could sell 5-10 Million rocks if they put the Apple logo on them.

A 4,000 year old brain was discovered in Turkey. Apparently there is a bit of a dispute over ownership as the Tea Party is asking to have it returned.

Steve Ballmer says that Microsoft’s best days are still ahead. Unfortunately, they are all at Apple.

Google is backing a project to slash Internet costs worldwide. In other words, they are telling people to not sign up for service with a cable company.

The new billion dollar NSA data center in Utah is reported to be nearly unusable. Apparently the workmanship problems with the project were supposed to be classified but those guys just don’t know how to keep a secret.

Congressional approval is now down to 11%. Mostly because the shutdown has caused the other 89% to either be furloughed or not be delivered some kind of check.

A poll says that Americans don’t want the government shutdown to be tied to funding for Obamacare. Mostly because they just like it when the government is shut down.

Miley Cyrus in an interview on the “Today” Show says that sex ends at 40. Except for the millions of middle aged men who are constantly searching the Internet for the latest twerking photos of Miley Cyrus.

A study says that oral hygiene for ancient humans consisted of a toothpick. Which, pretty much it still does.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers are heading to the National League Championship Series. What a great win over Atlanta last night. We need a championship in L.A. The only people who remember the last time the city had a pennant also remember when there was actually football played in town. Just make sure you do your part and keep sending the love!

1 comment:

Dean said...

Jim...Jim...Jim....as a life long Cubs fan I should remind you that the last time the Cubs won a World Series Championship, the NFL wasn't created until 12 years later!!

Dean in Illinois