Sunday, October 06, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Simon Cowell has adopted two puppies and is asking people online for suggestions for names. The two most popular have been “Jerk” and “Moron” to which Cowell had to explain he meant names for the dogs.

The Army is exploring predicting suicides as a way to prevent them. The most effective way is to not let people watch more than one episode of “The Kardashians” at a time.

A survey says that fewer middle aged Americans are buying life insurance. Mostly because in this economy they are afraid of being worth more dead than alive to their family.

Alex Rodriguez is suing a New York Hospital for causing “pain, agony, injury and suffering.” To which Yankees fans are asking if they can sue Rodriguez for the same thing.

Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball for trying to destroy his reputation and career. He’s 38, injured and hated by everyone in the sport. Major League Baseball is asking what career and what reputation?

CNBC has dropped to a 20 year ratings low. Mostly because people are just too afraid to watch any news about the stock market or the economy anymore.

CNBC has dropped to a 20 year ratings low. Mostly because people are so used to changing the channel any time they see the letters “NBC”.

Pope Francis I says the Catholic Church must strip itself of vanity, arrogance and pride. Otherwise how will Catholics continue to be God’s chosen church and the only ones who end up getting into Heaven?

More than 500 students attended a University of New Hampshire forum on orgasms. Or as students at the University of New Hampshire call that, “self studies.”

More than 500 students attended a University of New Hampshire forum on orgasms. Which for women brings a whole new meaning of the number of units they are taking each semester.

Religious leaders on the West Bank Territory have issued a fatwa permitting Internet dating. The only complaint about Internet dating in the Middle East is going out with a suicide bomber and never getting a second date.

A poll says that Catholics feel the Church is “obsessed” with moral issues. Although the Church pretty much evens that out when it comes to the priests and altar boys.

A poll says that Catholics feel the Church is “obsessed” with moral issues. In fairness to the Church, isn’t that kind of the reason they are around in the first place?

President Obama says if he were the owner of the Washington Redskins, he would “think about” changing the name of the team. Of course, if Obama owned the Redskins he could use season tickets as a way to actually get some influence with Congress.

President Obama says if he were the owner of the Washington Redskins, he would “think about” changing the name of the team. It would pretty much be the same as his presidency. He just can’t get his team to successfully pass anything.

The nation’s oldest Medal of Honor recipient has died at age 96 in New Jersey. Apparently he won the medal for living 96 years in New Jersey.

Mormon Church membership is reportedly up to 15 Million. That means there are 1 Million men members and 14 Million wives.

United Airlines says it will be adding four seats to their regional jets. The good news for travelers is that two of them will actually be inside the jets.

United Airlines says it will be adding four seats to their regional jets. They will be called regional jets because of the part of your seat that will end up occupied by the rear end region of the person sitting next to you.

A study says that 62% of bankruptcies in the U.S. are caused by medical bills. Mostly the medical bills from people getting sick after the banks crashed the economy and caused them to lose their homes and life savings.

A study says that 62% of bankruptcies in the U.S. are caused by medical bills. The other 38% are from people who go broke trying to pay their health insurance premiums.

A study says that 62% of bankruptcies in the U.S. are caused by medical bills. It will be 100% when Congress drives the U.S. into default to try to defund Obamacare.

The Post Office has defaulted on a $5.6 Billion payment for health benefits for future retirees. The worst part is that if they go any further into debt, the whole Postal Service will be retiring right now.

The Post Office has defaulted on a $5.6 Billion payment for health benefits for future retirees. Or as Congress calls that, “Tuesday”.

FBI statistics show that Tennessee is the most dangerous state, having the most violent crime. People there are more likely to be shot or stabbed than in any other state. In fact, the only attack they can count on avoiding is someone else biting them.

Vietnam General Vo Nguyen Giap, who beat the French in a 1954 battle has died at age 102. Military experts were surprised. The French showed up for a battle?

President Obama says he would consider owning a sports team after leaving the White House. Working with Congress would be like owning a team in the NFL; full of overpaid prima donnas who work one day a week, always drop the ball and blame everyone else when they lose.

Economists says the budget battle has cost the U.S. a million jobs. In fact, the only people still employed through the budget crisis are economists who are working to see how bad things are getting.

The government shutdown has caused museums all over the country to close their doors. In fact the only natural history museum that is still open to the public where people can see displays of actual dinosaurs is Congress.

A study says that illegal drugs are cheaper and stronger than ever. Mostly because now that more people are out of work and have no health insurance coverage, they are the only drugs that anyone can still afford.

Critics say they fear that companies that analyze people’s genetic codes will lead to “designer babies”. Which is ironic in that at least in the fashion world, most designers are the last people who will ever be having any babies.

Critics say they fear that companies that analyze people’s genetic codes will lead to “designer babies”. Also known as the maternity ward at the hospitals in Beverly Hills.

A study says that fast food chicken nuggets are made up of about half meat and the rest fat, blood vessels and nerves. Which is exactly the same make up of most the people at fast food restaurants ordering chicken nuggets.

A study says that gloves and gowns worn at hospitals don’t help stop the spread of infections. Mostly because of where those gloves end up going and how the gowns don’t cover enough to stop it from happening.

Rob Kardashian says he doesn’t care about “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. It’s nice to know that at least one member of that family wasn’t at some point dropped on their head.

A single mom in Minnesota claims she was fired from her job after posing in a “Hot Housewives” shoot for Playboy Magazine. It was just her luck to have a boss old enough to still actually subscribe to Playboy.

A single mom in Minnesota claims she was fired from her job after posing in a “Hot Housewives” shoot for Playboy Magazine. Not only that, but her kids took back the “World’s Best Mom” T-shirt and coffee mug they had given her.

David Letterman has signed on to host “Late Show” through 2015. Not to say he’s getting older, but his new contract allows him to now tape the show earlier in the day so he can still make it to Carrows by 4:30 for the early bird special.

Kris Jenner is defending Kanye West as a “great dad and a wonderful person.” Apparently that means she hasn’t pulled out her iPhone and tried to take a family photo with him around yet.

An ABC show called “Lights, Camera, Christmas!” where 16 families try to win a $50,000 prize for having the home with the best holiday decorations. Teams will automatically be disqualified for having an uncle walking around with mistletoe hanging off his belt.

An ABC show called “Lights, Camera, Christmas!” where 16 families try to win a $50,000 prize for having the home with the best holiday decorations. Which means there is finally a show that actually makes “The Kardashians” look like a tasteful production.

Actor Peter Scolari has married his long time girlfriend. The best part is that Scolari was still able to fit into the wedding dress he wore on an episode of “Bosom Buddies”.

Jane Fonda will be awarded the AFI Life Achievement Award. The only other lifetime recognition she has received was from ex-husband Ted Turned when he permanently banned her movies from being shown on Turner Classic Movies.

Alice Cooper is reportedly in talks to appear in the Broadway musical “Spider-Man” as the Green Goblin. The only thing that could scare an audience more would be to let Alice Cooper perform a concert wearing Spandex.

A study shows the U.S. has dropped to fourth in the world in Internet freedom. Mostly because of spying by the NSA and what people post about themselves on Facebook, there are no longer any secrets.

A study shows Iceland is the top ranked country in the world for Internet freedom. Mostly because no one wants to monitor what Icelanders are watching because most of them just sit around watching Bjork videos.

The editor of the journal Science has told Congress the partial government shutdown will be a “deep hardship” for most scientists. Mostly because the government is the only place they could ever get funding for studying the mating habits of the Southern hairy-nosed wombat.

Amtrak is using Google Maps so people can track trains in real time. Which is great for anyone wanting to see the exact moment the train they are waiting for goes sailing off the tracks.

A report says the online gender gap is widening, with 1.3 Billion women and 1.5 Billion men using the Internet. There would be an even higher discrepancy except that another 1.2 Billion men are online posing as 15 year old boys.

The NASA website has been taken offline, a victim of the government shutdown. Apparently the only countdown Congress is interested in is how long until they actually default on the national debt and bankrupt the country.

A study says that tablet buyers are not completely ditching their laptops. Apparently they still find laptops a convenient place to set their iPad, iPhone, iPod, Kindle and PSP on so they don’t lose all their other electronic devices.

Helen Thomas’ niece says the late AP reporter once had a date with JFK. Which helped make her one of the most trusted journalists in Washington, D.C. Apparently everyone figured if she could keep from bragging about a date with Kennedy, she could keep any secret.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am posting this before the Dodgers play Sunday night so I can give all my attention to what is really important. Hopefully you are keeping your priorities straight and will make sure to remember to send the love!

No comments: