Friday, October 04, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


CBS News aired claims that global warming could have caused the Earth’s temperature to rise more than 200 degrees. Which is almost as high as the rise in temperature of CBS viewers who watch the non-stop rambling of the hosts on “The Talk”.

Facebook is building a 394 unit community near their corporate offices for employees. Which means after living with and working around the same people 24 hours a day, who needs Facebook to see what everyone is doing?

Donald Trump is trying to make an issue of Hillary Clinton’s health if she decides to run for President in 2016. Apparently people are concerned as there are reports she hasn’t bothered throwing a dish at Bill in months.

Donald Trump is trying to make an issue of Hillary Clinton’s health if she decides to run for President in 2016. Regarding his own possible candidacy, Trump says he got a perfect health report from his veterinarian for the squirrel living on his head.

The children of radio host and “Scooby Doo” voice actor Casey Kasem say that his wife is holding him hostage. His wife says she would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for his meddling kids.

The children of radio host Casey Kasem say that his wife is holding him hostage. Apparently the kids can’t even get through to request a dedication.

House Speaker John Boehner has told Republicans he won’t let the nation go into default. Which is a pretty bold statement when you are already $16 Trillion in the red and you can’t even pass a budget resolution.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio says that Iran is run by “a bunch of liars.” No wonder we have opened communication with them again. We have so much in common.

Wall Street bankers say they are prepared for a catastrophic stock market meltdown or economic collapse. Which means just like in any other crisis, they will wait for a bailout from the government.

Wall Street bankers say they are prepared for a catastrophic stock market meltdown or economic collapse. Mostly because they caused the last ones just a few years ago and haven’t changed a thing since.

Hungarian students and their professor at a college undressed in class to protest the school’s new strict dress code. Or as we call that kind of behavior in the U.S., a fraternity keg party.

The Treasury Department has reimbursed a Montana man whose dog ate five $100 bills which the man found bits of in the dog’s droppings. The Treasury had no problem with that as Congress has been doing pretty much the same thing for years.

Frank Sinatra’s widow Barbara says that Mia Farrow’s son Ronan is not the son of Sinatra. At the time of Ronan’s birth, Sinatra would have been 73 and Farrow 43, and Sinatra wouldn’t have been messing around with a woman who was over 30.

The government shutdown has forced West Point to combine some classes. With a record of 2-3, it might be a good idea to combine some of the marksmanship courses along with football practice.

A new drug will be available soon to help men who have a problem with premature ejaculation. Otherwise known as men.

A new drug will be available soon to help men who have a problem with premature ejaculation. The drug was set to be released in December but was accidentally made available a few weeks early.

A new drug will be available soon to help men who have a problem with premature ejaculation. Which means men can finally think about something other than baseball during sex.

Tom Clancy’s book sales are expected to rise following the author’s death. Which sounds like some kind of conspiracy possibly engineered by the government to get more tax money from the writer’s estate with him now out of the way.

RadioShack has reportedly received several new offers for financing. Business leaders were surprised. RadioShack is still in business?

The Labor Department says it will not release the jobs report scheduled for Friday. Mostly because they don’t have time to list all the jobs that were lost from just the Labor Department during the government shutdown.

The government shutdown has halted the EPA gas mileage ratings tests. Which doesn’t matter since with everyone either out of work or unable to go to any National Parks or other locations, who needs to drive or buy a car anyway?

A study says that some mental health professionals treating eating disorders are prejudiced towards the obese. Especially the ones who have the stickers on their office doors that say “No fat chicks.”

A study says that when people who do something that has negative consequences, they feel less responsible for what happened. Apparently the study consisted of asking both political parties as to who caused the government shutdown.

A study says that chain restaurants are becoming less healthy despite their claims. Especially the restaurants that now ask customers if they would like a table, booth or a trough to eat from.

A report says that many doctors are prescribing antibiotics needlessly to patients with a sore throat or bronchitis. Mostly because the doctors figure if it doesn’t help their throat it will at least clear up the STDs they aren’t telling them about.

A fork that vibrates when the user is eating too fast is now on sale for $99. Of course, the people who really need help with eating too fast probably aren’t using utensils in the first place.

A fork that vibrates when the user is eating too fast is now on sale for $99. The only problem was making a fork strong enough to vibrate while it’s being used to help wolf down an entire 36 ounce Porterhouse steak.

A fork that vibrates when the user is eating too fast is now on sale for $99. If they really want to slow people down, how about inventing a plate that doesn’t hold six pounds of food at once?

Justin Bieber reportedly won’t be charged wit threatening his neighbor. In a related story, a Yorkshire Terrier won’t be put down for trying to maul a postman to death.

Sinead O’Connor and Miley Cyrus are reportedly involved in a feud. Apparently O’Connor is telling Miley to put on some clothes and Miley is telling O’Connor to put on a hat.

46 year old singer Sinead O’Connor and 20 year old Miley Cyrus are reportedly involved in a feud. Entertainment experts are shocked. O’Connor expects us to believe she is only 46?

Iran’s cyber chief has been killed in what is being described as an internal dispute. Couldn’t they just have defriended him?

Iran’s cyber chief has been killed in what is being described as an internal dispute. Apparently someone in his department was jealous that the chief’s computer had as much as 4 Megabytes of RAM.

Britney Spears is implying she is being pressured to keep her sexed up image. Considering that she can’t sing or really dance, what else is there?

Lady Gaga sent out two tweets supporting Obamacare, both containing the wrong address to get information. Fortunately for Gaga, Obamacare does have provisions for those who are suffering from mental disorders.

Paris Hilton has released a new raunchy video. See what you have done, Miley Cyrus?

Miley Cyrus’ twerking outfit she wore at the MTV VMAs is reportedly the most popular Halloween costume this year. Girls don’t even need to go to the store to find it, just strip down to their underwear and they are good to go.

Kate Gosselin says she has sadness, empathy and pity for her ex-husband Jon. Which she would love to tell the world about in a new reality show she is trying to sell to whomever will take it.

Carlos Beltran has tied Babe Ruth with 15 post season home runs. Of course, Babe Ruth hit his when the post season didn’t last quite as long as the regular season.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says that Oscar Robertson was a better basketball player than either Michael Jordan or LeBron James. To which young people were confused. How can you be a great basketball player without your name on a line of shoes?

The founder of OK Cupid is defending his site’s filter that screens out potential dates who are fat. The only other method is by seeing that the photo of the person you are interested in doesn’t fit on the screen of your computer.

The founder of OK Cupid is defending his site’s filter that screens out potential dates who are fat. Apparently the program just scans clients’ interests and throws up a red flag when it sees their favorite places to go are all restaurants.

The founder of OK Cupid is defending his site’s filter that screens out potential dates who are fat. It’s just as easy to look at the other person’s listed nicknames and become suspicious when they are “Chubby”, “Wide Load” and “Freight Train”.

The founder of Atari says that Apple CEO Tim Cook isn’t the next Steve Jobs. To which Tim Cook says the founder of Atari is not the next Mario or Luigi.

The actors in Grand Theft Auto V say the game is violent but they are OK with that. Mostly because when the only acting gig you can get is for a video game, you are pretty much OK any time someone hires you.

Honolulu was named the most expensive city in the world to stay in, based on hotel rates. Although the most expensive hotel room in the world is the one your wife catches you in with your girlfriend.

A poll says that nine in ten Americans are displeased with Washington, D.C. The other one in ten who were polled are either lobbyists or members of Congress.

A poll says that nine in ten Americans are displeased with Washington, D.C. The other one in ten are Cubs fans who have accounts at Bank of America and love to fly United.

The Supreme Court is staying at work despite the government shutdown. Ever since the Republicans imposed a gridlock on Congress, Supreme Court Justices feel like the Maytag repairman with nothing ever to do.

The Supreme Court is staying at work despite the government shutdown. Mostly because if they were to stay at home they would be doing the same thing, lounging around in their robes.

An upcoming show on NBC will have contestants competing for a flight into outer space. NBC viewers are hoping they will do a crossover episode with “The Apprentice” and make Donald Trump the first person they launch.

An upcoming show on NBC will have contestants competing for a flight into outer space.  The sad part is that NASA is trying to enter all its astronauts on the show since they are pretty much grounded until the government shutdown ends.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am in a good mood because my Dodgers won the first game of their playoff series with Atlanta. Two more wins here, four in the NLCS and another four in the World Series and we have the pennant. Piece of cake. But you don’t have to wait that long before you get around to sending the love!

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