Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Starbucks is being criticized by China’s government controlled media for its high prices. Apparently they are finally starting to understand how the U.S. managed to get $16 Trillion in debt.

Poland’s Lech Walesa is calling for a “secular” Ten Commandments. Apparently it would be called the “Ten Suggestions.”

Uruguay says it will start selling marijuana for a dollar a gram. The only problem for the country will be finding any Uruguayans who have a dollar to spend on pot.

Uruguay says it will start selling marijuana for a dollar a gram. The only good thing about this for America is that thousands of young people now actually know how to find Uruguay on a map.

Google executive and futurist Ray Kurzweil has likened the body to computer software and we are all “out of date.” In fact, by looking at most Americans we are right back at Y2K.

Google executive and futurist Ray Kurzweil has likened the body to computer software and we are all “out of date.” The worst part is when your doctor takes that into consideration and rates your condition as Windows 8.

Scientists have discovered a DNA “body clock” that could help researchers understand the aging process. The bad part is that the most anyone can expect is an extra hour from setting their DNA back on Daylight Saving Time.

A poll says that nearly half of all Americans say that everyone in Congress should be replaced. All that needs to happen is for those people to tell that to the quarter of Americans who actually vote in congressional elections.

A study says that 15% of American youths aged 16-24 are our of school and work. Or as that is called by the Americans over age 24, “doing pretty well.”

Heavy smog in China has shut down Harbin, a city of 11 Million people. How big is China that they have a city of 11 Million people no one has ever heard of?

Heavy smog in China has shut down Harbin, a city of 11 Million people. The real hazard is that in a city of 11 Million people, it’s hard enough not to run into someone when you can see them coming.

New Jersey has begun to recognize same sex marriages. As if there are any gays who would be caught holding a wedding in New Jersey in the first place.

A thief returned a 255 pound pumpkin to a Pennsylvania boy who won it in a contest. Which will really anger the boy’s neighbors when they have to smell the rotting 255 pound Jack-O-Lantern that is still on their porch six weeks after Halloween.

A report says that most cruise line crimes are not made public. Mostly because with Carnival Cruise Lines the evidence usually goes down with the ship.

A German tire company is planning to make car tires out of dandelions. The best part is that instead of checking the tire pressure, you just have to make sure to water them a couple of times a week.

A poll says that 65% of kids aged 8-12 in the U.S. have parents that monitor their smartphones. The other 35% actually have to be shown by their kids how to even turn on their phone.

Chrysler has 12,000 Jeeps that can’t be sold until problems with their transmissions are fixed. The only problem is once the transmissions are fixed the buyers will realize that it didn’t matter since the engines don’t work either.

Enterprise will start renting Harley-Davidson motorcycles in Las Vegas. Which means that people will arrive in town in a car, ride around on a motorcycle and go back home on a Greyhound bus.

A report says that students who took out loans are having problems with lenders when they try to pay off their loans early. To which most students are saying “Paying off a tuition loan early is a problem?”

A report says that students who took out loans are having problems with lenders when they try to pay off their loans early. Of course, it wouldn’t be a problem if the students had paid attention during any of the math courses they had to take to get their degree.

A poll says that online dating is growing but many singles are still avoiding it. Especially the ones who still use AOL and can’t find a date who is younger than 80.

A poll says that online dating is growing but many singles are still avoiding it. Apparently they feel they have a better chance at getting signed up for health insurance on the Obamacare website than actually finding someone they want to date.

The GOP is asking tech founder and fugitive John McAfee for help with the Obamacare website. The man is suspected of murdering a neighbor in Central America. Wouldn’t he be better qualified to run the CIA?

The GOP is asking tech founder and fugitive John McAfee for help with the Obamacare website. If they want someone who can really understand the system, shouldn’t they get in touch with the person who proposed the Time Warner-AOL merger?

Facebook went down globally for several hours on Monday. Which means there was a fake worldwide food shortage threatened by all the inactivity on millions of fake farms.

Facebook went down globally for several hours on Monday. Which means that people had to go extended periods of time without seeing pictures posted of what everyone they know had for breakfast and lunch.

Former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan says he didn’t create the worldwide financial crisis. How was he to know a gust of wind would come along and knock down all those cards he was stacking on each other?

Experts are saying that the Obamacare website needs to be working by Thanksgiving in order to make the program work as intended. Mostly because of all the people who will sign up for weight loss surgery after eating enough food to feed a small village for Thanksgiving Dinner.

McDonald’s Mighty Wings chicken wings have apparently been a flop with customers. Apparently people who go to McDonald’s had no idea from years of eating McNuggets that real chickens actually have bones.

The federal government reportedly has spent $300 Million on outside contractors to build the Obamacare website. Apparently their first mistake was hiring engineers who tried to combine the software from AOL and Windows 8.

A survey says that 11% of Americans have tried online dating sites. The other 89% aren’t technically savvy enough to make sure their wife doesn’t find out.

A survey says that 11% of Americans have tried online dating sites. The other 89% still like the old fashioned way of finding dates online, looking around on Myspace.com.

Experts say that people may actually be able to live hours after their heart has stopped beating and they have been declared clinically dead. Of course, their only example so far is Dick Cheney.

Scientists say that all mammals take 21 seconds to pee. Which doesn’t explain why women need the other two hours, fifty nine minutes and 39 seconds to make a simple trip to the restroom.

A study says that spanking young children is linked to aggressive behavior and language problems by age 9. Well, now we know pretty much what happened with Mike Tyson.

A study says that social networks can help people quit smoking. The only problem is how to get them away from Facebook for more than a few minutes a day.

A study says that older people who sleep less have a better chance at developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially if they aren’t sleeping as much because they keep ending up in a bed in someone else’s house.

A study says that learning new skills is better than working puzzles to improve seniors’ memories. Especially when the new skill is learning to use a GPS to find out where they have wandered off to.

A report says that Kanye West is not interested in marrying Kim Kardashian. Apparently he just isn’t ready to commit to the responsibilities and pressures of being part of a TV show.

A report says that Kanye West is not interested in marrying Kim Kardashian. Apparently it just didn’t seem like a good idea when he weighed potential alimony costs along with the success rate of Kardashian marriages.

A 33 year old Justin Bieber fan has reportedly spent more than $100,000 on surgery to resemble the singer. The biggest expense was on body reduction size to allow him to fit in a stroller.

A 33 year old Justin Bieber fan has reportedly spent more than $100,000 on surgery to resemble the singer. People were shocked at the news. Why is a 33 year old man a fan of Justin Bieber?

A 33 year old Justin Bieber fan has reportedly spent more than $100,000 on surgery to resemble the singer. The question on everyone’s mind is how does a 33 year man who is obsessed with Justin Bieber come up with $100,000 in the first place?

Peter Scolari from “Bosom Buddies” will play Yogi Berra in an upcoming Broadway production. Theater fans were surprised. No one even knew Yogi Berra was a cross dresser.

Lady Gaga has settled a lawsuit with a former personal assistant for overtime pay. Apparently the assistant didn’t realize that when working for a diva, overtime only starts once you have put in more than 24 hours in a day.

Dolly Parton says she is “all good” after being in a minor car accident. When asked if the car’s air bags deployed, the other passengers said “Who needs air bags when you are riding with Dolly Parton?”

Kelly Clarkson was married last weekend. Wedding guests say it was good to see Justin Guarini working again as he drove the newlyweds away in their limousine.

Detroit Tigers Manager Jim Leyland has resigned, saying that at 69 it is time for a younger person to take over. Mostly because he is too old to be able to run fast enough to get to his car safely after night games in Detroit.

A one handed basketball player has committed to play at the University of Florida. At least he will never be called for double dribble.

Former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond says that Lance Armstrong was a “top 30 at best” rider without doping. In fact, he claims the basket on the front of Armstrong’s bike was not for decoration but for holding hypodermic needles.

Computer analysts say that a project as large as the Obamacare website only had a 6% chance of succeeding. Which is still 5% better than most other government run programs.

Facebook has lifted its ban on videos showing human decapitation. Couldn’t they just stick with the old method of unfriending?

Yahoo is planning to reinvent its small business Web hosting unit. The irony is that the first business that is now small enough to need their help is Yahoo.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Last week I reached my yearly milestone of 1 Million jumps using a jump rope. That’s 4,000 jumps a day six days a week. Plus I am also now taking Karate lessons. I really need to be in good shape and have self defense skills to put these jokes out there in public. I appreciate all of you reading them on a daily basis and especially when you remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Congrats on jumping rope! Also, the jokes rocked today. Keep it up!