Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Space burials are being offered in Japan for under $2,000 which are cheaper than those on Earth. Apparently some men got the idea after watching reruns of “The Honeymooners” and always wanted to say “To the Moon, Alice!”

Youtube will be holding its own awards show. Apparently lifetime achievement awards will be given to a cat playing a piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

A poll says that 25% of people with no health insurance plan to stay that way under Obamacare. The other 75% want to experience what it is like to fight with an insurance company tooth an nail about their refusal to pay any medical bills.

Slumping while using tablets and smartphones is being blamed for an epidemic of back problems among the young that is being called “iPosture”. Ironically, most the people are using their mobile devices to look up what is causing their back pain.

Slumping while using tablets and smartphones is being blamed for an epidemic of back problems among the young that is being called “iPosture”. Especially when they are slouching as they crash into a tree while texting and driving.

A study says that people who text constantly have more stress in their friendships. Mostly because their friends are annoyed by their perpetual texting.

A study says that people who text constantly have more stress in their friendships. And even their marriage if you ask Anthony Weiner.

The partial government shutdown is the 17th shutdown since 1976. Obviously none of them have done any good as the government has always eventually started up again.

A poll says that 72% of Americans opposed a government shutdown tied to health care reform. They would prefer the government shut down just because it isn’t doing us any good when it’s working.

A research firm says the government shutdown will cost the U.S. economy $300 Million a day. Which is better than when the government is operating and it costs us more than $1 Trillion each year.

A swarm of jellyfish shut down a Swedish nuclear reactor when they clogged a water pipe. Authorities suspect the jellyfish attack is the work of international terrorist SpongeBob Squarepants.

The government in Australia had a similar shutdown to the U.S. in 1975 which was resolved when the Queen fired everyone in Parliament. Which shows that we shouldn’t knock the Royal Family as they are a lot smarter than our electorate.

The Vatican Bank has opened its books for the first time ever. It shows that through 2005 there was an offer for each priest who opened an account to get a free altar boy.

A school district in Georgia is considering stocking assault style rifles to defend with during an attack. There would be plenty of room to put in the necessary gun racks since no one is using those book shelves that came with the school buildings anyway.

Overseas bookmakers are taking bets as to how long the government shutdown will last. Middle Eastern bettors are hoping it will be for awhile since as long as the government is shut down there won’t be any new military invasions.

Overseas bookmakers are taking bets as to how long the government shutdown will last. They are giving 20 to 1 odds it will last through December. Which is a good bet since once we get past Halloween the government is pretty much off through Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Chrysler is recalling 142,000 pickup trucks and SUVs. Auto industry experts were shocked at the news. Chrysler found 142,000 buyers?

A poll says that U.S. economic confidence dropped during the congressional budget battle. Ironically, the best thing for our economic confidence is knowing that Congress can’t do anything until they get the government started up again.

The Postal Service has defaulted on a $5.6 Billion dollar payment for retiree health benefits. Apparently Postal officials made a mistake and actually tried to send the check through the mail.

Frontier Airlines will be getting a new owner. Pretty much anyone who was dumb enough to loan them any money.

U.S. monthly auto sales dropped in September for the first time in more than two years. Mostly because some Chryslers actually lasted longer than a month.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has officially taken over as the new owner of the Washington Post. Although it was more than a little embarrassing that the story was broken by the New York Times.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has officially taken over as the new owner of the Washington Post. In a cost saving measure, Bezos was delivered to the Post for free using Amazon Prime.

A bond fund manager says the U.S. will avoid a catastrophic debt default. Mostly because the U.S. doesn’t want other countries thinking we are deadbeats just because we owe them $16 Trillion.

New York City has started a campaign to improve girls’ self esteem. Apparently the campaign’s slogan is “At least you don’t live in Alabama.”

A Florida woman has a rare conditions where she can hear sounds but not words. Otherwise known as “being a teenager.”

A study says that women on the Pill are no more likely to be depressed than other women. The people most likely to be depressed are the men who are about to become fathers who thought their girlfriend was on the Pill.

A study says that exercise is just as effective as drugs in treating heart disease and diabetes. The only problem is that it’s hard to tell people suffering heart disease and diabetes they need to start exercising twenty years ago.

The website to sign up for Obamacare was plagued by crashes on its first day of operation. Which means it was still planned out better than the congressional budget discussions.

The website to sign up for Obamacare was plagued by crashes on its first day of operation. Apparently the biggest foe of health care reform wasn’t the Tea Party after all. It is Bill Gates.

“Jersey Shore” cast member JWoww called New Jersey Governor Chris Christie “disgusting” for his opposition to same sex marriage. And for the fact he just never looks like he visits the tanning salon enough.

Justin Bieber was carried up the Great Wall of China by his bodyguards. Apparently his it was just too difficult to try to wheel his stroller across all the uneven stones.

Sandra Bullock says that making the movie “Gravity” was her best life decision. After marrying Jesse James, sticking a wet finger in a light socket is a good life decision.

Billy Ray Cyrus said in an interview about Miley Cyrus that there is an equal and opposite reaction to everything that’s good. Which means after that performance at the MTV VMAs she is working on bringing peace to the Middle East and an end to world hunger.

Michael Jordan says he could have beaten LeBron James one on one but not Kobe Bryant. Apparently he respects Kobe more because when Jordan played, he was out there with four other people.

The WNBA Finals in Atlanta will have to be held in another location because the home arena is hosting “Disney On Ice.” Apparently people win either way who want to go and see a Mickey Mouse performance.

An ancient kingdom that could be 3,300 years old has been discovered beneath a mound in Iraq. Or as 3,300 years ago is called in Iraq, “yesterday.”

A free financial planning event in Oakland is aiming to strengthen the middle class who live in the area. People who are considered upper class in Oakland are those who were able to move out of Oakland.

Kia will offer an electric version of its Soul model. Apparently the name comes from people getting behind the wheel of one should ask everyone they know to pray for their soul.

Microsoft investors are lobbying to have Bill Gates step down as the company’s chairman. The only problem is getting their e-mails requesting their moves through to the board of directors without having their Windows Vista crash before they are sent.

Bill Clinton says that Hillary will be stronger candidate in 2016 than she was in 2008. Mostly because Bill’s getting old enough and slowing down to where she doesn’t use as much energy to have to throw only a few dishes to hit him with one.

A study says that turning Florida into a Las Vegas style gambling center would do little for the economy. Mostly because the casinos that can lose once in awhile wouldn’t have a chance against the Disney properties that are guaranteed to get all your money.

A study says that turning Florida into a Las Vegas style gambling center would do little for the economy. Mostly because if the casinos count the same way they do for elections, they’ll go broke in a day.

A study says the people’s love of government was fading long before the shutdown. Like sometime back to around November of 1776.

A poll says that 27% of travelers say they have tipped their flight attendant. Mostly for changing their seat assignment from next to a screaming baby to a row with a hot blonde.

A poll says that 27% of travelers say they have tipped their flight attendant. The other 73% didn’t have any money left for tipping after paying all their additional inflight fees.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope the government shutdown hasn’t affected you in any way. It hasn’t affected me so far, except to give me some cheap material for these jokes. I’m finally getting something back for all my tax money. Just remember, there is never a fee for sending the love!

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