Friday, October 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Dick Cheney’s new book is called “Heart”. Which makes about as much sense as George W. Bush writing a book called “Brains”.

A Chinese ratings agency has downgraded the U.S. credit rating. And who would know better than the Chinese what a risk it is to loan money to the U.S.?

An article in Time says that women are the only adults left in Washington, D.C. Mostly because many of them are mothers and they know how to deal with children threatening to hold their breath until they get their way.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is delaying on a promise to release his health records. Apparently they will be made available just as soon as his staff can load them all onto the cargo ship and have them taken to a warehouse complex and catalogued.

Anthony Weiner says he would be the Mayor of New York City if it weren’t for the Internet. Just like Richard Nixon would have beaten Kennedy in 1960 if no one had gotten around to inventing television.

Anthony Weiner says he would be the Mayor of New York City if it weren’t for the Internet. In the old days before digital technology, he would have just had to explain his way out of being arrested for being a Peeping Tom.

Prince William stood in for Queen Elizabeth II during an official ceremony. Apparently he is proving he is more than capable of handling the duties as the head of the monarchy to do absolutely nothing.

A mall in Florida was locked down after a man spread his dead fiancee’s ashes near a LensCrafters store. The man is claiming he is innocent, and that he is being framed.

A new company will start selling “stock” in professional athletes. Apparently it’s for people who don’t have quite enough money available to buy a member of Congress.

A new company will start selling “stock” in professional athletes. Which means that people can sell their stock in AOL for a straight across the board trade for shares in Alex Rodriguez.

A new company will start selling “stock” in professional athletes. Which means that investors who want to know what it felt like to be around for the 1929 stock market crash can put all their money into players on the Cleveland Browns.

An Illinois man was arrested after he claimed he was going 140 mph on a motorcycle because he needed a bathroom break. Although for most people, that would have been taken care of while going 140 mph on a motorcycle with a police pursuit.

The founder of eBay says he will launch a mass-market news venture. Apparently it will focus on how the bad economy has forced so many people to sell all their possessions online.

The founder of eBay says he will launch a mass-market news venture. Apparently it will specialize in stories about how much money people are making selling Jesus toast.

A poll says that young adults feel that technology can be dehumanizing. At least that’s what they were saying in the short time they could actually look away from their iPhones to take the survey.

An English man won $200,000 on an $80 bet he made 13 years ago that his grandson would one day play soccer on a major UK team. The bad news is that it won’t cover the thousands of dollars in bets he made each year on the Cubs to win the World Series.

The violin that belonged to the bandleader on the Titanic will be auctioned. If nothing else, it is known the instrument can float.

A report says there are 60,000 slaves in the U.S. Or as most businesses are calling them in this economy, interns.

A report says there are 60,000 slaves in the U.S. Upon hearing the news, people were just glad to hear that Nike was actually opening domestic factory sites.

Beijing has introduced new rules to curb car use on bad pollution days. The only problem is that on bad pollution days it’s hard to see if there are any other cars on the road in the first place.

A report says that 50 Million Americans are obese. Apparently the report was written based on evidence available on Wal-Mart store surveillance cameras.

A report says that tortillas have replaced buns and salsa has replaced ketchup as top selling foods in America. Traditionalists are outraged saying we need to go back to eating real American food. Like hamburgers, pizza and spaghetti.

Federal workers are now officially back on the job as the government has reopened. To which most people are saying “The government was closed?”

The Catholic Church has opened business classes in Cuba. Or as Cubans call a small business, “Cuba”.

The father of disgraced former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. And people say that families don’t do any activities together anymore.

Estimates are that the government shutdown took $24 Billion out of the U.S. economy. Apparently that’s the amount of money that lobbyists would have normally been funneling to the members of Congress if everything had stayed open.

Estimates are that the government shutdown took $24 Billion out of the U.S. economy. People were shocked. There was still $24 Billion in the U.S. economy?

Chelsea Clinton, when asked if she will run for office says “I don’t know.” Apparently she learned how to give vague, stock answers to questions after hearing her father grilled by Hillary about Monica Lewinsky.

A report says the Chinese are “not impressed” by the U.S. debt deal forged by Congress. But then, who is?

A new book says that Al Gore at one point tried to buy Twitter. Apparently he was discouraged after he realized he couldn’t put out a single thought when confined to 140 characters.

A new book says that Al Gore at one point tried to buy Twitter. The only other politician who even asked about buying it was Anthony Weiner as a way to delete all the pictures he sent in tweets.

Toyota has recalled 885,000 vehicles for faulty air bags. Apparently the company feels it’s more cost effective to fix the air bags than the out of control accelerators that causes them to deploy in the first place.

A study says that deep voiced men make bad mates. Apparently the study didn’t take into account that Tiny Tim only stayed married to Miss Vicki for eight years.

A study says that deep voiced men make bad mates. So there you go, ladies. Mike Tyson has finally met the qualifications to be considered marriage material.

A study says that signs in parks can boost physical activity by up to 12%. Especially signs that say “Grizzly Bear and Gray Wolf Sanctuary”.

A study says that women make better doctors than men. Mostly because they aren’t spending all their time hitting on the other women doctors.

A study says that a good night’s sleep cleans out all the “gunk” in the brain. Otherwise known as sobering up.

A study says that a good night’s sleep cleans out all the “gunk” in the brain. Which means that Congress would do itself a favor by hibernating through the winter.

The Jonas Brothers have deleted their Twitter account. Mostly because they are tired of making each tweet a response to “Who are the Jonas Brothers?”

Fran Drescher is reportedly dating a tech entrepreneur who claims to have invented e-mail. Apparently they get along because he can use his invention to communicate with her so he doesn’t actually ever have to hear her voice.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are starring in a new movie called “Escape Plan”. Which coincidentally is also what people in the movie theater come up with about two minutes into the film.

Nolan Ryan has announced his retirement as the CEO of the Texas Rangers. Apparently he knew it was time to go when the board of directors signaled the bullpen to get some relievers warming up.

Nolan Ryan has announced his retirement as the CEO of the Texas Rangers. He needs to be watched. The last top executive to leave the Rangers went on to start two wars and wreck the U.S. economy.

Allen Iverson is set to announce his retirement from basketball. Which is like saying that Kevin Costner is about to announce his retirement from starring in big budget movies.

Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum will reportedly test the free agent market in the off season. Not only will be be looking for a new team, rumor has it he will stop using the same barber as Randy Johnson.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan says he didn’t ban his players from having sex with their wives. He says they are professional athletes in New York. Why would they need to have sex with their wives?

A museum biologist says he uses Calvin Klein Obsession for Men to attract jaguars. Although he recommends Polo by Ralph Lauren as the best scent for anyone who is out looking for cougars.

A museum biologist says he uses Calvin Klein Obsession for Men to attract jaguars. Although anyone looking to attract women should forget the cologne and just drive a Jaguar.

A gallery in London is paying tribute to selfies. The exhibit has gone over so well that there has been a separate wing dedicated to the works of Anthony Weiner.

AT&T is offering a $5 a day pass for mobile data for tablets. Apparently it’s for people who can’t get any data or make any calls on their cell phones because their wireless carrier is AT&T.

The Houston Chronicle is withdrawing their endorsement of Ted Cruz for Senator. Apparently every newspaper has to deal with their own version of “Dewey Defeats Truman” at some point.

The Houston Chronicle is withdrawing their endorsement of Ted Cruz for Senator. At this point, Republicans in Congress may have been able to make a deal by putting up Cruz as their bait to get the President to negotiate on Obamacare.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers try to force a Game 7 in the NLCS tonight with Clayton Kershaw on the mound. It’s been 25 years since we have been to the World Series. I am starting to know what it feels like to be a Cubs fan. Let’s Go Blue! Just remember that even though I will have my entire focus on the game, I will still be aware that you are all still sending the love!

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