Thursday, October 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Senate passed a budget deal which will keep the U.S. from defaulting on the national debt. Which shows that Congress still would like to destroy the country but only if they can keep spending our money.

A poll says that 17% of Americans say the U.S. is heading in the right direction. Of course, those are the 17% who are anarchists.

A poll says that 17% of Americans say the U.S. is heading in the right direction. The other 83% are saying “This country has a direction?”

The federal government is studying how to use Twitter for “depression surveillance.” Apparently the best way to tell when people are depressed on social media is when they tweet pictures of their “last meal”.

The federal government is studying how to use Twitter for “depression surveillance.” Most people get depressed when they realize the government is $16 Trillion in debt and is spending even more money on public surveillance.

Evangelist Franklin Graham says that Washington’s problems come from “greed, lust and wickedness.” Which apparently the people running our government learned from listening to evangelists Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart and Ted Haggard.

A California fire department is in trouble for using an emergency alert system to advertise a pancake breakfast. Apparently they put out an Amber Alert for Mrs. Butterworth.

The director of the movie “Noah” and Paramount Pictures are sparring over the final cut of the film. Based on the early reviews, it looks like no matter what they do the movie is going to end up under water.

The director of the movie “Noah” and Paramount Pictures are sparring over the final cut of the film. Not to say the reviews are bad, but the film is being promoted as a prequel to “Waterworld.”

The director of the movie “Noah” and Paramount Pictures are sparring over the final cut of the film. Apparently there are some problems with historical accuracy. Especially the part where Noah is being told by Al Gore that the flood is a result of global warming.

Chase Bank is limiting cash withdrawals. Mostly because their ATMs give out money in $20 increments and only a few customers have more than $5 in any of their accounts.

A report says there are 30 Million slaves in the world, with half of them in India. People were shocked. No one knew that Nike had moved that much of their factory work out of China.

An Iranian prisoner will be hanged again after surviving the first attempt at being hanged. When he came to he asked if he was in hell and was told no, he was still in Iran. To which he said “What’s the difference?”

An Iranian prisoner will be hanged again after surviving the first attempt at being hanged. Authorities say that’s what happens when you try unproven modern technology instead of the good old fashioned public stoning.

The NTSB says that a Spirit Airlines flight out of Texas had an “uncontained engine failure”. Which probably made passengers more than a little nervous knowing that they were on an airline named for beings in the afterlife.

Canada is set to introduce a balanced budget law. It used to be that other countries modeled themselves after our government. Now they are using us as an example of what to keep from going wrong.

The stopgap bill passed by Congress to keep the government operating includes $3 Billion in pork spending. You can’t expect them to try to start running things responsibly cold turkey.

A report says the UK is at a growing risk for power failures over the next few years. How bad is it for their motto going from “The sun never sets on the British Empire” to “Who turned out the lights”?

In a new book, Dick Cheney discusses his five heart attacks and near brush with death. After five heart attacks, a “near brush with death” is pretty much waking up in the morning.

Defense Secretary Hagel apologized to a soldier who was delayed in receiving the Medal of Honor for his actions in Afghanistan. Now all the Pentagon has to do is apologize to the rest of the country for getting us into Afghanistan in the first place.

Sears has lost its fourth appliance chief in the past five years. Which means they last about as long on the job as a typical Sears appliance.

A survey says that more than half of the furloughed federal workers reached out to creditors to warn them they aren’t getting paid. As opposed to the other half who aren’t paying their creditors but just aren’t telling them yet.

A report says that big banks are close to satisfying their obligations under the $25 Billion mortgage settlement. Now all someone has to do is hold the banks accountable for creating the mortgage crisis in the first place.

GM’s quality chief is seeking a better owner experience. Apparently the way to do that is to have prospective buyers test drive a Chrysler first.

GM’s quality chief is seeking a better owner experience. Auto industry experts were surprised. GM has a quality chief?

Facebook is loosening its privacy rules for teens 13-17 to post on the site. Mostly because the majority of 13-17 year old teens on Facebook are in reality 45 year old men who are trying to hook up with young girls.

Scientists have discovered the world’s deadliest toxin but are keeping it a secret. Mostly because it is a trademarked ingredient in Wendy’s Baconator.

Scientists have discovered the world’s deadliest toxin but are keeping it a secret. It is a type of Botox. Apparently it is deadly because it makes a person’s smile so permanent they can’t move their mouth to eat anything for months.

A study says that eating bacon can lower a man’s sperm count. Of course, anyone eating enough bacon will be so fat that no one will be interested in their sperm count anyway.

A new medical test reportedly can detect both lung and prostate cancer. The only question is how far will the doctor have to reach up with that glove to also do the lung part?

A study says that people in group weight loss programs do better than trying to lose by themselves. Mostly because when there is a group of fat people around, that last donut won’t sit in the box long enough to tempt anyone else.

A study says that Oreo cookies may be as addicting as cocaine or morphine. The worst part is that the first glass of milk that goes with them is always free.

A New York surgeon charged with faking operations is facing a $5 Million fine. Which doesn’t bother the surgeon since he charged twice that amount in fake fees.

A New York surgeon charged with faking operations is facing a $5 Million fine. Apparently authorities became suspicious when a surgeon was doing several operations and had never been hit with a malpractice lawsuit.

A study says that cinnamon may ease a common cause of infertility. Mostly because it’s hard to find a woman who won’t do anything for a Cinnabon roll.

Congress is demanding explanations of Obamacare site glitches that are keeping people from signing up. To which the American people are demanding an explanation as to why Congress shut down the government and came within hours of defaulting on our debt because they don’t like each other?

Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer from “Two and a Half Men” are the two highest paid TV actors. However, that is nothing compared to the perqs, bribes and donations taken in by members of Congress who are regulars over at C-SPAN.

A poll says that 26 NBA players say they would not want LeBron James to take the final shot in a game if Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant were also on the floor. Which wouldn’t be a problem because Kobe would never pass it to the other two in the first place.

Cleveland Browns fans have posted the quarterback position on Craigslist. The thing they should be wary of is that is the same place the Cardinals found Carson Palmer.

The Dallas Cowboys were rated as the most liked NFL team. Although the real favorite for most fans is the Jacksonville Jaguars when they show up into a visiting stadium.

A poll says that 59% of Americans see why the nickname “Redskins” is offensive. Apparently the owner wants to keep the name because that is the only time “Washington Redskins” and “offensive” are used in the same sentence.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers won to stay alive in the NLCS with Kershaw on the mound Friday. Let’s go Blue! I am back at home after my trip to South Carolina. That means I will be back on a full schedule with the jokes. Higher quantity, same quality. Well, that’s the breaks. Just make sure you keep up the quantity of sending the love!

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