Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



The bad economy is prompting some women to sell their hair, breast milk and eggs to make ends meet. Interestingly enough, selling hair, breast milk and eggs just happens to make several of their ends meet.

Mexico City is moving to legalize marijuana. Apparently the people are tired of the city always just smelling like pot.

Conservative Catholics are questioning the approach of Pope Francis I. Which begs the question of why they haven’t been questioning how altar boys have been approached by priests for the past several decades.

The lights went out at the start of Game 3 of the ALCS in Detroit. Things are bad in the Motor City but who thought a Major League team would get cut off by the power company?

The lights went out at the start of Game 3 of the ALCS in Detroit. Apparently they were trying to scare the Red Sox by making them think they were going to have to leave the stadium and go into Detroit in the dark.

Wal-Mart is closing some stores because of difficult conditions, saying the economy is “tough and unpredictable.” The only thing tougher and more unpredictable is trying to make a living on a Wal-Mart salary.

A Wisconsin business that is selling “hugs” and “cuddles” because of concerns of local government. The biggest concern is how are they going to sell something to men that their wives can’t give away for free?

Bill Clinton says that “conflict makes for good politics.” Although he doesn’t recommend it quite as highly when it comes to a marriage.

A high school principal in Nebraska has stopped students from saying the Pledge of Allegiance to remind kids that the government has shut down. To which most high school kids are saying “What’s the Pledge of Allegiance?”

Authorities say that former NFL player Aaron Hernandez and his fiancée had a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship. NFL fans were shocked. Hernandez is gay?

Authorities say that former NFL player Aaron Hernandez and his fiancée had a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship. Apparently that meant she was not supposed to ask him who he killed or tell the police what he did with the gun.

A December murder trial has been set for the newlywed bride from Montana accused of pushing her husband off a mountain to his death. Apparently the wait is turning the case into a real cliff hanger.

Hillary Clinton’s car was issued a parking ticket in London. It was a long time coming. She has been trying to get her name on a ticket since 2008.

Diet Coke is coming under pressure because of people’s concerns about artificial sweeteners. Apparently people would rather have real sugar as their sweetener which means they will eventually need artificial teeth and an artificial pancreas.

A federal judge blogged that the federal courts should tell Congress to go to hell. Which is exactly what voters always tell their Representatives right before they reelect them.

Twitter has decided it will go on the New York Stock Exchange instead of NASDAQ. Unfortunately, the announcement confused all Twitter users who thought NASDAQ was an abbreviation for NASCAR Daiquiri.

After losing the first two games of the NLCS, Dodger ticket prices for Game 4 dropped 55%. Pretty much about the same as the Dodger batting averages.

House Republicans canceled a vote Tuesday to reopen the government and raise the debt ceiling. Apparently the vote took a back seat to two for one well drink night at Applebees.

Ratings agency Fitch has put the U.S. on notice for a possible downgrade if the debt ceiling isn’t raised. The question is, how do we not have a downgrade after letting the debt ceiling has gone over $16 Trillion?

Warren Buffett is backing a business kit for kids. Mostly because all the adults have already given up on ever having enough money to start their own business.

Warren Buffett is backing a business kit for kids. Apparently he want to get to them before their dreams of financial success are completely crushed by the time they are teenagers.

Warren Buffett is backing a business kit for kids. Apparently it has some lumber, a pitcher and a coupon for some lemons and sugar.

Online educated in the U.S. is rated as the best value and option for a college education. Mostly because the only other thing their kids will go online for is video games and Internet porn.

Parliament is telling the Royal Family to tighten its belt financially. What do you call a group of appointed rulers who feel so entitled they can spend as much money as they want without fear of any consequences? Congress.

Hans Riegel, the man behind gummi bears has died at age 90. The secret to his longevity was never eating gummi bears.

Researchers were able to “read” the minds of patients who were in the hospital for surgery by placing electrodes on their brain. Although they really didn’t need to go through all that to tell that all the patients were thinking about was how they were going to pay for their hospital bill.

A study says that the recession has led to more vasectomies for men. Apparently when things are this bad nothing is safe from getting cut.

A study says that the recession has led to more vasectomies for men. How bad is the economy when men can’t even come up with the cash for a box of condoms?

A study says that eating popcorn at movie theaters could make the ads played before films less effective. Especially when the person has their head buried halfway down in their bucket.

A study says that “superusers”, the small number of people who visit emergency rooms frequently are clogging ERs. Otherwise known as regular customers at Taco Bell.

A report says that alcoholic drinks in restaurants may be 50% more potent than the person ordering it may think. Apparently it’s the only way that Red Lobster can get people to get in the frame of mind to actually order some food there.
                                                    
A study says that Bulgaria’s air pollution is the worst in Europe. The air is so bad that it actually causes the French people who visit there to bathe once they get home to get rid of the smell.

A study says that Bulgaria’s air pollution is the worst in Europe. The news could cause travel plans to be canceled by all three people planning to vacation in Bulgaria.

A study says that triathletes can endure more pain than other people. Especially more than the people who pull a hamstring just trying to get off the couch to make a trip to the refrigerator.

A study says that some Americans are not getting the right medications. Apparently the way to tell if people are getting the wrong medications is when they are dead.

A college study shows that Oreos are as addictive as drugs. Especially to someone who has just taken a hit from a bong.

A college study shows that Oreos are as addictive as drugs. It’s not really bad until you see them using a hypodermic needle to inject the cream filling.

Kim Kardashian sold her engagement ring from Kris Humphries for $620,000. Or as they call it on their TV show, “a prop.”

Kim Kardashian sol her engagement ring from Kris Humphries for $620,000. With their marriage lasting all of 72 days, that means the ring was basically rented for $8611.11 a day.

Kim Kardashian sold her engagement ring from Kris Humphries for $620,000. That was before her love life went into syndication.

Kim Kardashian sold her engagement ring from Kris Humphries for $620,000. The price was so high, Kris Jenner is now looking into what kind of money she could make for auctioning off Khloe.

“The Price is Right” gave away its second biggest prize ever, worth $140,000. The only problem is that in order to collect, the winner had to get spayed or neutered.

A theater chain has banned Madonna for texting during a movie. It was the first time Madonna has ever been banned from a theater for a reason other than her acting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers are in trouble. They need three straight wins or they are out. But there is hope. Some people have so much faith they think that South Carolina may eventually make it to the 21st Century. Speaking of South Carolina, wrapping up a weather conference here and getting ready to head home. At home or on the road, the jokes are always there for you. And I know you are always there for me, as long as you keep sending the love!

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