Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

No murders were reported in New York City last week for the first time since January. Apparently Congress isn’t the only group of criminals to call for a shut down.

Neighbors are accusing Newark Mayor and Senate candidate Cory Booker of not living in Newark or even New Jersey. Apparently Booker wants to keep up a certain image as Mayor of Newark which means being smart enough to not live in Newark.

Microsoft’s new phone features a driving mode which blocks distractions like receiving calls or texts while behind the wheel. Otherwise known as the delay in getting information from a phone powered by Windows 8.

Egypt is struggling to attract tourists to the country which has been plagued by recent political violence. There is a term for people who still visit the Middle East. Mercenary soldiers.

Queen Elizabeth II may give up the Royal Train as a cost cutting measure. In other words, the Royals will give up their personal train in order to keep living on the Gravy Train.

Queen Elizabeth II may give up the Royal Train as a cost cutting measure. Do they really still need a train in this day and age? They may also be forced to give up the Royal Stage Coach and the Royal Litter.

The Mayor of Denver wants to crack down on the smell of pot in public since the city has legalized marijuana. Although he says he is really OK with any odor as long as the city doesn’t smell like Cleveland.

The Mayor of Denver wants to crack down on the smell of pot in public since the city has legalized marijuana. Apparently he just doesn’t want people to mistakenly think they are in Boulder.

A race car driver was arrested in Indiana for DUI during a race. Apparently he has given a new meaning to the term “alcohol fueled racer.”

A large 150 pound desert tortoise was killed by a car on a highway near Los Angeles. Authorities were shocked. They have never seen L.A. traffic move fast enough to catch up to a tortoise before.

A school janitor in Michigan is being accused of paying fourth graders $1 to beat up a classmate. Apparently he got the wrong idea when the principal told him he wanted the school cleaned up.

A church in Massachusetts is offering drive through service. Apparently it’s for people who can usually only find salvation in an order of fries.

A church in Massachusetts is offering drive through service. Apparently it’s a way for the minister to trick people who automatically pull in whenever they see a drive-thru.

China is warning the world that the dollar should be replaced as the global reserve currency. With $16 Trillion in foreign currency keeping us afloat, even the U.S. isn’t using the dollar anymore.

A report says that the use of Prohibition era moonshine is on the rise. Apparently people feel that you really can’t get the full feel of being in an economic depression unless you have some authentic bootleg whiskey to go along with it.

Reports say the early blizzard in South Dakota may have killed up to 100,000 cattle. To which a statement of sympathy was sent out by Taco Bell, McDonald’s and Jack In The Box to any restaurants that actually use beef in their products.

The Nobel Prize for Economics was given to three Americans. That sounds about as likely as giving the Nobel Prize for Mathematics to someone from Alabama.

A report says that the World Bank’s support of China’s solar and wind power industry may have cost the U.S. jobs. Which ironically reflects our employment situation where all our jobs have just shriveled up and blown away.

Americans say that creating jobs is the key to our economy. Meaning the economy will suffer until we create positions for 535 new people to run Congress.

A study says that Monday is the best day to look for a job. Unfortunately, it is a Monday in 1996.

HTC is offering a larger phone with a fingerprint sensor. Which is all anyone needs, an even larger screen to constantly have to clean the fingerprint marks off.

Golfer Rory McIlroy is suing his former agent over commissions from his contract with Nike. Apparently the problem comes from the fact that no one has made a dime in commissions from McIlroy since he changed his equipment.

A study says that government dysfunction is causing corporations to hoard cash. Why can’t government dysfunction have the same effect on Congress and get them to hoard some cash once in awhile instead of going hopelessly into debt?

Macy’s is going to join other stores in offering holiday shopping on Thanksgiving. Apparently people want to give thanks that they actually have some money to do some holiday shopping.

Macy’s is going to join other stores in offering holiday shopping on Thanksgiving. Usually people only shop on Thanksgiving for more alcohol and Pepto Bismol.

Savient Pharmaceuticals has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Apparently they are now turning their attention to making antidepressants for all their investors.

A report says that only 2% of Americans have dental insurance. While only 2% of people in Alabama actually ever have a reason to see a dentist.

A study has identified the source of brain dizziness. Apparently researchers started off  by getting Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus together for an interview.

A study says that psychological support helps heart attack patients live longer. Mostly by consoling them about how they aren’t going to have any money left after getting their hospital bills.

A study says that high smog levels are tied to serious heart problems. Especially when someone having a heart attack can’t find where the hospital is through all the smog.

A study says that regular bedtimes may make for a better behaved child. Especially when the bedtimes are made regular by some knockout drops in the kids’ evening juicebox.

A study says that men downplay the risk of texting while driving. Except when they are driving with their wife and they get a text message from their girlfriend.

Researchers say that 5 Million babies have been born through IVF in the past 35 years. Of course, it would only be half that amount if you exclude the Octomom.

A study says that exercise may boost men’s sperm count. Of course, men who don’t exercise and are morbidly obese really don’t need a sperm count in the first place.

A study says that non-profit hospital CEO salaries average $600,000. Which is probably why they are non-profit hospitals.

Florida will execute a man using an untested lethal injection drug. The only problem is if the inmate lives and sues them for wrongful life.

A study says that hospital CEO pay is not tied to the quality of patient care. Apparently it’s more tied to the quality of patient health insurance.

The Kansas City Chiefs have set the record for the loudest stadium in a game against the Oakland Raiders. Mostly from Kansas City fans who were being attacked by Oakland Raiders fans.

Michael Douglas says he lied about the type of cancer he had. He says it wasn’t throat cancer, but cancer of the tongue. Which means that instead of catching it through oral sex with his wife, he caught it from the cigarette after.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Writing these jokes while at a conference in South Carolina. Too bad it’s not a writing conference. Well, you get what they give you. In the meantime, the Dodgers won last night and can tie up the series tonight. I’ll be watching the game and hope you send the Boys in Blue some love!

1 comment:

benson said...

Jim, I didn't make the connection until now, but I have a friend who's at the same conference. He's a retired TV weather guy. He says he's behaving himself, but not all are. So, good luck and be safe.