Sunday, October 13, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Companies are starting to use machines programmed to decipher human qualities to pick the best candidates for jobs. Apparently they pretty much just ask if the applicant can say “Would you like fries with that?”

Companies are starting to use machines programmed to decipher human qualities to pick the best candidates for jobs. Which usually results in the machine informing the applicant they already have another machine that can do the job better.

A planned protest by truckers in Washington, D.C. failed to accomplish anything. The trucks kept traffic on the beltway at 15 mph, to which commuters said it was the fastest they have ever driven in town.

“Racist” German Shepherd police dogs in Los Angeles have only bitten Latino and Black suspects in the past several months. Which is always the problem in using dogs that were bred in Germany.

Bill Weir has been hired from ABC by CNN to be their “chief innovation correspondent”. It would be the first time anyone has used the word “innovation” at CNN since Ted Turner got the idea for a 24 hour news channel.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is launching a crusade against tanning salons. Apparently people who want to have a tan will have to just get it done chemically by jumping into the East River.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is launching a crusade against tanning salons.  Which is easy to do since anyone in New York sporting a tan is risking being mistaken for someone from the Jersey Shore.

An 11 year old boy from Washington State has been found guilty of conspiring to murder a classmate. Apparently he thinks she was responsible for ruining his social life by giving him the cooties.

A Catholic Bishop in Germany is being questioned for spending $42 Million on a renovation of his house. Apparently his punishment will be saying 21 Million Our Fathers and 21 Million Hail Marys.

A judge has ruled that Bentley car kits for Chryslers and Fords infringe on the Bentley trademark. Although the difference is that when you see a Bentley that is actually driving along the road it pretty much means it isn’t a Ford or Chrysler.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has spent $30 Million on the homes surrounding his mansion for privacy. The only question is, who would even want to bother going to Mark Zuckerberg’s house in the first place?

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has spent $30 Million on the homes surrounding his mansion for privacy. Apparently he wants to build a wall around himself for protection from anyone who bought Facebook stock in the IPO.

Del Monte is selling its fruit and vegetable business to focus more on pet food. Mostly because more Americans would eat a can of Alpo before they would come close to touching a piece of fruit or a vegetable.

J.P. Morgan has set aside $23 Billion for legal bills from an investigation by the Department of Justice. Why doesn’t the DOJ just fine the company $23 Billion and actually have something to show for their work?

J.P. Morgan has set aside $23 Billion for legal bills from an investigation by the Department of Justice. Putting that much aside for their lawyers must mean there is no question they are innocent.

J.P. Morgan has set aside $23 Billion for legal bills from an investigation by the Department of Justice. The company isn’t worried because once they settle the case they will just ask for all of it back in a taxpayer bailout.

Federal workers’ first checks since the government shutdown will be 40% less than normal. Which is ironic since when they are on the job their performance is about 40% less than workers in the private sector.

Cruise prices are reportedly at an all time low. Apparently they are so cheap that people who are terminally ill are booking with Carnival because it is such a bargain compared with a traditional burial at sea.

Three of the world’s top bankers are warning of dire consequences if the U.S. defaults on their debt. Why is that such an issue when no one seemed to even notice that we piled up a deficit of $16 Trillion?

Booming patents are reflecting innovation in solar and wind technology innovation. Although Google is trying to beat everyone out by just buying the sun and the wind.

J.P. Morgan is warning the U.S. about defaulting on its debt. And who knows better about the consequences of poor management than a company that had a rogue trader blow $7 Billion on bad investments?

British scientists say they have made a major breakthrough in treating Alzheimer's disease in mice. So who wants mice who can remember why there is cheese in the mouse trap?

British scientists say they have made a major breakthrough in treating Alzheimer's disease in mice. So who wants mice who can remember why that cat is in the house?

A study says that good looking people like kissing more. Mostly because they get to kiss other good looking people.

A study says that good looking people like kissing more. Mostly because they can.

A study says that shoes with extra padding may not decrease running injuries. Especially if the legs and feet are being stressed from too much weight from all the extra padding on the runner.

Engineers have assembled a robot with artificial organs, limbs and other body parts that can function like a human. However, the scientists may be in trouble for violating the medical privacy of Joan Rivers.

A study says that a happy marriage may depend on the genes of the people in the marriage. Apparently the odds for a successful marriage are a lot higher if none of the genes are from someone in the Kardashian family.

Researchers say that a kiss may be a way to judge chemistry with another person. It’s long been known the way to have good chemistry with the boss is to make sure to always kiss their backside.

Researchers say that a kiss may be a way to judge chemistry with another person. Although anyone kissing Lindsay Lohan may actually need a chemistry set to determine what chemicals they were exposed to.

Kelly Osbourne had a $1 Million manicure where diamonds were crushed into a varnish and painted on her nails. Wouldn’t it be easier to just buy a ring?

The Army is evaluating marching, gun toting robots that may soon back up soldiers in battle. Wouldn’t it be better to just leave the soldiers at home and have the robots do all the fighting?

A new high tech mouthguard can tell when athletes have received a serious injury. The first sign is when the athlete is hit hard enough to knock the mouthguard thirty yards down the field.

A new high tech mouthguard can tell when athletes have received a serious injury. Or as athletes in Alabama are saying, “What’s a mouthguard?”

Researchers say that clay balls found in Mesopotamia may have provided people with prehistoric data storage. In fact, it turns out they are still a lot more reliable and accurate than Windows 8.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans say a third political party is needed. Although most people familiar with the Democrats and Republicans would actually be happy with a second party.

Polls say the American public overwhelmingly disapproves of Congress during the government shutdown. Almost as disappointed as they are in Congress when they are keeping the government operating.

Doctors say that George W. Bush’s recent heart problems were potentially life threatening. To which Dick Cheney says “Rookie!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am posting these a bit earlier than usual since I will be driving down to Charleston, South Carolina for a weather conference. I will still be posting, although the posts will be much more depressing and shorter if the Dodgers don’t start scoring some runs. In the meantime, just because I will be in another state doesn’t mean you can stop sending the love!


1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Okay so "researchers say that a kiss may be a way to judge chemistry with another person." Isn't that one of those well, duh... items? Did we really need researchers to tell us this? The problem is what's a guy to do? Say, excuse me, can I kiss you? If it feels right maybe I'll ask you on a date...?? That should go over well. Well, at least you have a new pick up line... Let me know how it works!