Friday, October 11, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A Brooklyn restaurant called “Eat” holds Sunday night silent meals where no talking is allowed. Which is fine for anyone under 25 who can only communicate anymore through texting.

A Brooklyn restaurant called “Eat” holds Sunday night silent meals where no talking is allowed. The policy is so strict that even mob hits inside the eatery are required to use silencers.

 A Brooklyn restaurant called “Eat” holds Sunday night silent meals where no talking is allowed. Apparently if the owner wanted people to talk incessantly while they were there, he would have called it "Movie Theater".

Paul McCartney gave a surprise 15 minute concert in Times Square in New York City on Thursday. It’s the only way they can convince the 71 year old former Beatle that he is still playing at and selling out Madison Square Garden.

James Woods says his criticisms of President Obama have probably ended his career in Hollywood. It caught entertainment experts by surprise. James Woods is still acting?

The Postal Service is destroying Michelle Obama inspired “just move” stamps. Apparently postal union officials were upset that postal workers might see the “just move” slogan and think it was meant for them.

Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Political experts were confused. How did he find any money in Detroit to steal in the first place?

Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. He served one term as a Michigan State Representative, two terms as Mayor, and now one long term in the Big House.

Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Unlike most people in Detroit, at least he has a guaranteed place to stay the next few years.

Katie Couric’s talk show is reportedly on the verge of cancellation. Reports say she may end up at CNN. If her broadcasting career was on life support before, a move to CNN is pretty much going into hospice.

A study says that “cyberchondriacs”, people who look up their symptoms online are on the increase. Ironically, most of their symptoms of poor health come from sitting in front of a computer all day.

A report says the Obama Administration is bringing a chilling effect on journalism with its aggressive prosecution of leaks. Top journalists in Washington, D.C. are so worried about leaking secrets they almost withheld the story about Bruce and Kris Jenner separating.

12 people were stuck 3 hours on a roller coaster that malfunctioned in mid-ride at Universal Studios in Orlando. The riders weren’t upset after being rescued. They figured they would have spent the three hours waiting for their next ride anyway.

A book says the mob put out a hit on Johnny Carson after he flirted with the girlfriend of a Mafia leader. It was the most unsuccessful attempt at killing off a late night talk show host until NBC decided to try and replace Jay Leno.

The Taliban is mocking the U.S. over the government shutdown, saying “the government is playing with the destiny of the people for their own vested interests.” What’s scary is when a terrorist group understands what is going on with the government better than the people it is affecting.

An elementary school in New Hampshire has banned the game of “tag”, saying it is too dangerous. Mostly when they can’t find any of the kids playing the game because they have gotten lost in a twenty foot high snow drift.

Original Mercury Astronaut Scott Carpenter has died at age 88. That was back in the days when people were launched into space and actually wanted to come back to Earth.

Original Mercury Astronaut Scott Carpenter has died at age 88. The worst part was finding out his life support equipment was part of the NASA cuts from the government shutdown.

The Vatican is recalling commemorative Pope Francis I medals because they misspelled “Jesus”. To which the mint director said upon finding out, “Oh, Gawd.”

A report says that Los Angeles County is the least affordable housing market in the country, with the median income being able to qualify for only 24% of the homes that are for sale. The other 76% of the homes aren’t for sale as they are still going through the foreclosure process.

A lawsuit claims that the United Airlines frequent flier rewards program is rigged. Aviation industry experts were shocked. There are people who fly more than once on United?

A poll says that only 13% of people worldwide enjoy going to work. Mostly because the other 87% are still looking for a job to go to.

A poll says that only 13% of people worldwide enjoy going to work. Mostly because those are the 13% of the people in the office who never do anything and make everyone else pick up the slack.

Consumer Reports gives the Heidi Klum baby stroller bad marks. Apparently it wasn’t built well enough to earn a Seal.

An advocacy group is criticizing McDonald’s for giving out books instead of toys with their Happy Meals. Apparently their contention is the books are still more nutritious than the food.

An advocacy group is criticizing McDonald’s for giving out books instead of toys with their Happy Meals. Apparently they won’t be happy unless the books are telling the kids that McDonald’s food will kill them.

A report from Credit Suisse predicts a 50% increase in global millionaires by 2018. Mostly because right now those are all the people who are billionaires.

A survey says that 25% of men watch online porn. The other 75% were taking the survey while their wife was sitting next to them.

A poll says that three times as many people say the economy is in poor shape as say it is doing well. The only people who think the economy is doing well are those working in home foreclosure, car repo and tent making.

Starbucks has started a petition to get Congress to reopen the government. Unfortunately, their customers will only sign it if they are told the petition is to make Starbucks serve their pumpkin spice latte year round.

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic are calling for an end to hockey fights at all levels of the sport. The only problem is if they eliminate fights, the games will only last seven minutes.

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic are calling for an end to hockey fights at all levels of the sport. Apparently they say the fights should stay off the ice where they belong, between hockey dads.

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic are calling for an end to hockey fights at all levels of the sport. The only problem is that eliminating hockey fights could wipe out the Canadian dentistry profession overnight.

A study says that women with breast implants will not experience sagging from breast feeding. The only problem is getting their infants to get used to the silicone aftertaste.

A study says that high blood pressure is common with overweight kids. At least it’s good that kids can now bond more with their grandparents as they can swap stories about their visits to the cardiologist.

A study says that high blood pressure is common with overweight kids. Remember when kids used to play doctor and prescribe a cure for cooties and not recommend bypass surgery?

A study says that mini strokes can shave quality years off a person’s life. Isn’t that one of those medical theories that really doesn’t need a study to verify?

Fewer elective surgeries means that blood banks are getting less business and are laying people off. What’s worse is when the workers go on unemployment and are mocked as “bloodsuckers”.

Fewer elective surgeries means that blood banks are getting less business and are laying people off. The businesses are losing money hand over fist, which is ironic since hemorrhaging is what got them into business in the first place.

Fox is airing “MasterChef Junior”, a cooking competition between kids. The only problem is after the second episode they found out there are only so many ways to prepare hot dogs and macaroni and cheese.

Fox is airing “MasterChef Junior”, a cooking competition between kids. Remember when kids’ shows used to involve a physical activity or IQ test questions instead of just food?

Kris and Bruce Jenner reportedly didn’t warn their kids about their separation. Apparently they wanted to make the announcement on their reality show and didn’t want to be spoilers.

Richard Belzer’s character Sgt. Munch will retire on “Law & Order: SVU”. How long has that show been on the air when even the characters are going through complete careers?

Richard Belzer’s character Sgt. Munch will retire on “Law & Order: SVU”. He’s leaving because his character has been on the show so long he has qualified for an actual police pension.

“We Are Men” has been cancelled by CBS after only two shows. Or as that is called over at NBC, a runaway hit.

Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin has banned all games from the team locker room, including ping pong, billiards and shuffle board. If his team is playing shuffle board in their spare time, perhaps he should look to draft some people under age 74.

Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin has banned all games from the team locker room, including ping pong, billiards and shuffle board. The players are protesting, saying those are the only games where they actually have a chance at winning.

Rick Reilly’s father-in-law says he was misquoted by the ESPN reported in a recent article. To which his wife backed up her father’s claim, saying “He never listens to me, either.”

A report says the Chicago Cubs have a “very short list” of candidates for manager. Mostly because the only people who have even applied are two auto mechanics, a retired cop and a former McDonald’s trainee.

A report says the Chicago Cubs have a “very short list” of candidates for manager. As opposed to the team’s very long list of excuses.

66 year old Suzanne Somers says she and her 77 year old husband Alan Hamel have sex twice a day. Although he keeps asking her why all the Pez candies in his dispenser are always blue?

A report says that Microsoft wants outgoing CEO Steve Ballmer’s replacement by the end of the year. That would coincide with their time frame to finally get all the bugs out of Windows 95.

A report says that Microsoft wants outgoing CEO Steve Ballmer’s replacement by the end of the year. Mostly so there will still be some interest in the position before the word gets out on how bad Windows 8 really is.

Toyota says it will roll out a nearly autonomous car within five years. They are still working on the steering and braking but they have already mastered getting the car to accelerate by itself.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I will be heading to Charleston, South Carolina (the other Charleston) next week for a weather conference. Yes, I do have other things to do besides write bad jokes. I will still be writing the blog although the jokes may be slooooower in coming out (it is the south) and they may be a bit more racist and homophobic in nature. When in Rome...I will also be pretty busy watching my Dodgers shred the Cards in the NLCS. So lots going on, but I will still be getting you the jokes you anxiously wait for every day. I am making an assumption. One thing I am hoping won’t be an assumption is that you will still make the effort once in awhile to send the love!

No comments: