Thursday, October 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Turkish government ordered a TV show host to be fired because she showed too much cleavage. Whoever heard of someone not liking Turkey breasts?

A criminologist says that school anti-bullying programs may be having the opposite effect. Even John Boehner doesn’t know if he is more afraid of being pushed around by President Obama or other Republicans.

Iran is debating its “Death to America” slogan. Apparently they are instead considering “Iran: Come for the religious fanaticism. Stay for the jihad.”

Iran is debating its “Death to America” slogan. Apparently they looked at our economy and figured it actually worked.

Iran is debating its “Death to America” slogan. Apparently they feel it’s time to move on. The person it was aimed at was Jimmy Carter, and he has since been kicked out of power and is now pounding nails in home construction.

Medical documents and X-rays reveal that Marilyn Monroe possibly had plastic surgery. Which explains a lot. She couldn’t have been worshipped as a trend setter by all the Hollywood women for her acting or singing.

Researchers say that a peanut butter smell test could be an early diagnosis for Alzheimer’s Disease. Who knew that taking a whiff of Jif could have prevented a whole lot of search parties looking for where grandma wandered off to.

Researchers say that a peanut butter smell test could be an early diagnosis for Alzheimer’s Disease. The real giveaway is not being able to remember where the kitchen is to find the peanut butter in the first place.

Samsung will release a smartphone with a curved display that costs $1,000. Anyone paying that much for a smartphone pretty much turns the word “smartphone” into an oxymoron.

The TV show “The Voice” has made its debut in Afghanistan. Producers decided to make it a local production instead of running the American version with Cristina Aguilera. Apparently our diplomats asked if the Afghan people hadn’t suffered enough already.

The father of the 9 year old Minnesota boy who stowed away on a flight to Las Vegas says he assumed his son was staying at a friends house. Apparently he assumed he was still in town because he borrowed the family car left his fake ID at home.

The father of the 9 year old Minnesota boy who stowed away on a flight to Las Vegas says he assumed his son was staying at a friends house. The worst part of that is that the friend he was talking about lives in Florida.

The father of the 9 year old Minnesota boy who stowed away on a flight to Las Vegas says he assumed his son was staying at a friends house. The man says he was hurt that his son would do something like that and not even put a bet down on the Vikings for him at one of the sports casinos.

Arizona officials say that new laws could keep thousands of people from voting. Which may not be a bad idea in Arizona as they keep electing people who want to take away their voting rights.

A patient missing for more than two weeks at a San Francisco hospital was found dead on a stairwell. When asked why she wasn’t found sooner, it’s because if more people used the stairs once in awhile, they wouldn’t be in the hospital in the first place.

A study says that 2% of all U.S. counties are responsible for the majority of people sentenced to death row. Mostly because those counties are in Texas where the death penalty is still enforced for expired parking tickets.

A Philadelphia area school has canceled Halloween celebrations because of its ties to religion. This country would be a lot more religious if there actually was a church that let parishioners dress up in costumes and get bags of candy every Sunday.

A Mastodon tooth was found in a donation box at a Michigan charity. The only problem for the charity is coming up with the $4,000 fee for the Tooth Fairy.

Some women in Saudi Arabia are challenging the ban on women drivers. The problem for Saudi men is that once that happens, the expense will get out of control when everyone in the harem wants her own car.

New Jersey is suing Standard & Poor’s for fraud after lowering the state’s bond rating. Mostly after they found out the most popular bond in New Jersey is the bail bond.

A 92 year old Minnesota woman had her funeral insurance canceled by her credit union. Apparently the credit union decided they were going to take it away from her if she insisted on waiting so long to use it.

A poll says that concern about a dysfunctional government has surpassed the economy as the top U.S. problem. Which is ironic because our economy is pretty much a result of our dysfunctional government in the first place.

Starbucks is offering free coffee to lawmakers in order to get them to come together and talk. Of course, if the government ran itself like Starbucks, we wouldn’t have a national debt to fight over in the first place.

Google is developing technology that will allow drivers to control vehicle functions with hand gestures. Don’t we already have that? It’s called taking a cab during rush hour in Manhattan.

A poll says that three quarters of investors say their confidence in the economy has been shaken by the government shutdown and threat of default. Economists were surprised. Three quarters of investors still have confidence in the economy?

A poll says that three quarters of investors say their confidence in the economy has been shaken by the government shutdown and threat of default. The other one quarter have seen the economy already shut down their career and default on their plans for retirement.

A study says that companies can boost productivity by rearranging their seating assignments. Especially for the people who are moved to a spot where the boss can actually see what they are doing all day.

A study says that companies can boost productivity by rearranging their seating assignments. Except when the seating arrangement is changing because of all the people in the office who are constantly being laid off.

McDonald’s is experimenting with offering books instead of toys with their Happy Meals. To make it even more practical, the books are instructional guides on how to give CPR to someone who has just finished their third Big Mac.

The longest serving Republican member of Congress is retiring after 23 terms. If the Republicans get the blame for shutting down the government and defaulting on the debt. their longest serving member will be the last one out the door at the end of this session.

The longest serving Republican member of Congress is retiring after 23 terms. Although when you ask a member of Congress how many terms they have served, you need to specify between terms in the House and terms in the Big House.

Nike is targeting $36 Billion in revenue for 2017, with China as their biggest growth area. Especially for young parents there who want to support their children’s careers and buy what their kids are making in those Nike factories.

PC shipments have fallen for the sixth straight quarter. In fact, the only orders are coming in from people who are asking if they are still compatible with a rotary phone.

A study says that women who desire a “thigh gap”, the space between their thighs while standing with their feet together may cause eating disorders. Of course, the real problem for women pursuing that goal is having too much space between their ears.

A report says that one in four American dogs and cats are overweight. The other three aren’t obese because their owners are and won’t share their meals.

A study says that breast implants may boost women’s sex lives. Although they can pretty much give up on actually having a conversation with a man ever again.

A study says that breast implants may boost women’s sex lives. Not to mention the sex lives with the men they are with.

A study says that women who are sweating may be judged as untrustworthy. Especially wives who are perspiring profusely when the pool boy is leaving. And you don’t even own a pool.

Megyn Kelly’s debut prime time program on Fox News drew a large and older audience. In other words, her program is on Fox News.

Keith Richards’ neighbor was arrested for making a bomb he intended to use on Richards. Apparently Richards actually invited him over, thinking his neighbor said he was making a bong.

Keith Richards’ neighbor was arrested for making a bomb he intended to use on Richards. The bomb was made of 100 pounds of ammonium nitrate, which Richards thought the neighbor had accumulated so they could snort it.

Bruce Jenner reportedly split from his wife Kris because he wanted to live “the simple life.” Is there anything those people say or do that doesn’t have a tie in to a reality show?

Legal experts say that Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s split should be easy because of their prenuptial agreement. Apparently even the marriages in that family are scripted ahead of time.

Bruce Jenner will not only continue with “The Kardashians” after his split from wife Kris, but their separation will be a continuing storyline. Apparently in the Kardashian family, there are no divorces. Only spinoffs.

The Jonas Brothers have canceled a planned tour because of “creative differences.” Entertainment experts were shocked. The Jonas Brothers are creative?

The Jonas Brothers have canceled a planned tour because of “creative differences”, stemming from a “deep rift” in the band. Who do they think they are, the Kardashians?

A study says that “uncomfortable climates” will devastate cities within the decade. It’s already happening. Where is the climate more uncomfortable right now than where all the devastation is happening in Washington, D.C.?

66 year old Suzanne Somers says that Miley Cyrus is wrong about sex ending at 40, and that she and her 77 year old husband Alan Hamel have sex “twice a day”. Which explains why she is now pointing at Hamel when she is referring to the “Thigh Master”.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s the Dodgers and the Cards for the National League Championship Series. Let’s go Big Blue Wrecking Crew! Series starts Friday. in St. Louis. When people in L.A. are asked what they know about St. Louis, all they can say is that they know it is home to some guy named Arch. You don’t have to root for my team, but it always helps when you remember to send the love!

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