Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The government has been shut down by Congress. The last time the government shut down, Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky had their first encounter. Apparently Clinton used the shut down to convince Hillary that she was being furloughed and had to leave town for awhile.

CNN and NBC have reportedly canceled plans for a miniseries and documentary about Hillary Clinton, citing opposition from Republicans, Democrats and the Clintons. Apparently they were concerned about the possibility of shows airing on CNN and NBC could reach a combined audience of more than seven people.

A train in Russia ran over two people who were having sex on the tracks. Apparently the Russian train system is about as reliable as Amtrak and the people thought being on the tracks were the safest place to be.

A train in Russia ran over two people who were having sex on the tracks. Ironically, the whole thing wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t have such a nice caboose.

A report says the Democratic National Committee is nearly broke. Who says politicians don’t run the government the way they do their own finances?

A poll says that Americans’ trust in the American people has fallen to 61%, the lowest ever. Why should we trust ourselves? We’re the ones who keep electing the same people to Congress.

A poll says that Americans’ trust in the American people has fallen to 61%, the lowest ever. The other 39% don’t trust American people mostly because they are worried the Americans are going to deport them to their own country.

London Police are using computer algorithms to predict where crimes will happen next. Ironically, the computers are pointing out that the most likely place for a crime to take place is on other computers.

London Police are using computer algorithms to predict where crimes will happen next. When that was tried in the U.S., all that ever came up was a Google map of Wall Street.

Apple has dethroned Coca-Cola as the world’s top global brand. It’s nice to see that a product that can kill you when you are texting while driving has replaced a product that can kill you by making you morbidly obese.

An 88 year old World War II veteran from Ohio says not having $9 for a suit kept him from getting his high school diploma for 70 years. Apparently he finally decided he needed to get the diploma in order to look for a job until he can retire in another 20 years.

An 88 year old World War II veteran from Ohio says not having $9 for a suit kept him from getting his high school diploma for 70 years. Apparently he needs the job to get an extra $400 to pay for what the suit will cost him now.

A judge is hearing claims that BP lied to the federal government about the Gulf Oil Spill. The biggest evidence against the company in the case is the Gulf Oil Spill.

The obesity rate in New York City is up 25% since Michael Bloomberg became Mayor. Although to be fair most of that is the bonus money stuffed into the pockets of all the Wall Street executives.

The latest jobs report could be delayed by the government shutdown. The worst part is the people making the report having to include their own jobs to the report when it is done.

Estimates say the government shutdown could cost Americans $1 Billion a week in lost pay. Which is sad because those government workers are doing exactly the same amount of work while they are on furlough and not getting paid for it.

IKEA will start selling residential solar panels. The panels can provide free electricity to light people’s homes while they are staying up all night trying to assemble the other IKEA furniture they bought.

Delta Airlines has chosen Microsoft for the tablets they will provide their pilots during flights. The only problem for passengers will be the wait while their jet is circling the airport for three hours waiting for Windows Vista to reboot.

Delta Airlines has chosen Microsoft for the tablets they will provide their pilots during flights. Apparently the pilots have already found their favorite sites to access in order to come up with new drinks to try during the flights.

Delta Airlines has chosen Microsoft for the tablets they will provide their pilots during flights. The only problem will be not having access to their tablets during takeoffs and landings while they are trying to remember how to takeoff and land.

North Carolina is being sued by the Justice Department over restrictions in voting laws. How bad are your state’s voting practices when the federal government is hoping that someday your standards will be as high as those in Florida?

A study says that fast food drive thru lanes are slower than ever. Mostly because all the food people order won’t fit up front and it takes longer to help load all the extra bags into the trunk.

A study says that fast food drive thru lanes are slower than ever. Mostly because more people are going through the drive thru lane because it’s hard to fit their behinds through the restaurant doors any more.

American Airlines says it will hire 1,500 pilots over the next five years. Apparently they need the extra pilots to relieve the ones who spend more than eight hours at a time waiting on the tarmac.

J.C. Penney stock fell to its lowest level since 1982. Mostly because that’s the same year when most of the clothes on their racks were designed.

A study says that fewer drugs are being prescribed to treat kids with mental illness. Mostly because people are finding that kids with mental illness are easier to deal with than normal teenagers.

A UK couple gave birth to rare identical triplets. What wasn’t rare is that the children were born with the same amount of teeth as everyone else in the house.

A report says that 80% of U.S. schools meet the new healthy lunch requirements. The report also says that 80% of the food at U.S. schools is being tossed into the trash.

Coca-Cola is setting up 150 kiosks in 20 countries that feature water, electricity and Internet connections. Otherwise known as Starbucks without the $7 cup of coffee.

A California high school had to shut down its pool when water polo players started losing body hair. Until high school officials realized no one under the age of 30 would be caught still having any body hair.

A poll says a majority of the public is unaware that health insurance marketplaces open this week. Which stands to reason since a majority of the public is unaware who represents them in Congress, that we fought England for our independence and that Columbus didn’t sail on the Titanic.

Reports say the new iOS7 system for iPhones is causing motion sickness and vertigo in some users. It’s hard enough to not get dizzy with all the scenery and other cars going by when you are texting while driving.

A surge has been reported in ER visits by kids for sports related head injuries. Medical experts were shocked. Where are kids still actually playing sports?

A long lost Three Stooges short film was found in Australia. Most people today watching the Three Stooges would just assume they had tuned in to C-SPAN.

A long lost Three Stooges short film was found in Australia. How ironic is it that the discovery came on the same day that Congress shut down the government?

Mandy Moore says she is considering shaving her head. People are confused. Should they be concerned she is imitating Britney Spears or relieved she isn’t trying to be like Miley Cyrus?

Miley Cyrus says she likes marijuana and Molly better than cocaine. Just think what she will be like when she is finally old enough to hit the bars.

Paul McCartney answered a message for some fans that had been lost for 50 years. He knew it was an old question because the people who asked it actually knew that he was in the Beatles.

Lionel Richie says that performers taking off their clothes are saying “I need a hit.” Which could be scary since Richie himself hasn’t had one since 1987.

Lionel Richie says that performers taking off their clothes are saying “I need a hit.” Which still doesn’t explain his daughter Nicole taking off all her clothes and not even making a record.

Iran has entered a movie called “The Past” in the best foreign language category at the Oscars. Apparently it is called “The Past” because it is set in modern day Iran.

The Oakland Raiders game for next Sunday has had its kickoff time pushed back to 11:35 PM because of the Oakland A’s playoff game the day before. Which is going to be tough on Oakland season ticket holders who will only have about three hours after the game for their usual Sunday night crime spree.

The Chicago Cubs have fired manager Dale Sveum after his record for the past two years was 127-197. Apparently the team’s front office was worried with a performance like that he was going to ask them for a huge raise.

Snoop Dogg’s son who is a USC football prospect says that Lane Kiffin should have been fired a while ago. Snoop’s son is only 16 but already reported to be growing like a weed.

A meth lab discovery caused a golf course to be evacuated in Greenville, South Carolina. Apparently golfers abhor anything that might actually make them move faster around the course.

LeBron James says he doesn’t want to talk about free agency. If he did, he would have already been booked for a special on ESPN.

A new device called AdTrap intercepts online advertisements. Or as men who watch Internet porn are saying, “There are ads on the computer?”

Google was revealed to pay a UK tax rate of 2.6% on profits of $3 Billion. Or as the company’s U.S. tax preparer is saying, “Amateurs!”

Google was revealed to pay a UK tax rate of 2.6% on profits of $3 Billion. The worst thing is that it was discovered when someone looked up “suckers!” on Google.

A study says that people need mobile devices for social inclusion. Mostly because when you see two people standing side by side looking at their cellphones, they are more than likely to be sending texts to each other.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the government has been shut down. Fortunately, that doesn’t appear to have any effect on this bl

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