Sunday, September 29, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A zombie survival store has opened in Florida. Of course, anyone looking for the walking dead in Florida just needs to go to any Carrows when they start seating for the early bird dinner.

Al Queda has reportedly opened its first Twitter account. The first Tweet showed what a suicide bomber was eating for breakfast right before they blew up.

The TSA has renewed warnings of weapons bans after a recent surge of confiscations at airports. Apparently people feel they need to carry weapons for protection when they fly because of the large amounts of cash they are carrying to pay all the airline fees.

A WNBA player was called for a personal foul after kissing an opponent. That is one thing Kobe Bryant will never be accused of, making a pass at another player.

A study says that 47% of all jobs will be automated over the next 20 years. The good news is there will be more work created for the people who have to actually plug in the machine that has taken their job.

14 bags of marijuana were found inside the backpack of a 3 year old at a New York day care. Apparently teachers became suspicious when the child went back for seconds for milk and cookies 27 times.

14 bags of marijuana were found inside the backpack of a 3 year old at a New York day care. People were shocked that someone would endanger a 3 year old’s health like that. Carrying a backpack at that age could lead to back problems.

The number of Americans abroad giving up their citizenship is increasing. Apparently they realize if they want to ever move back, they will do a lot better sneaking across the border like everyone else.

A meteorologist for the Wall Street Journal says he is considering a vasectomy because the latest report on climate change makes him not want to bring children into the world. He says he will probably wait to see if he can first find someone actually willing to date a newspaper meteorologist.

Alex Rodriguez will reportedly fight his 211 game suspension at arbitration. It’s not looking good. Even though the Yankees missed the playoffs, everyone is still expecting A-Rod to give a lackluster performance in the post season.

A famous gambler is being accused of cheating a casino in San Diego out of millions of dollars with marked cards. Apparently house security became suspicious when he kept insisting they play “Go Fish”.

China’s President is pushing government officials to tackle corrupt, arrogant and lazy behavior by criticizing each other on camera. Apparently he got the idea after he saw a few shows aired on C-SPAN.

A poll says that three quarters of uninsured people don’t know when Obamacare starts. Mostly because they are more concerned that if the Republicans shut down the entire government just to defund the policy, they could be stuck on hold for months trying to call to find out.

A poll says that three quarters of uninsured people don’t know when Obamacare starts. The other one quarter knows it’s when they see Ted Cruz not standing anymore.

Atari is making a comeback as casinos are gambling on skill based games. Now instead of losing a quarter a pop playing Pong in an arcade, their over 50 gamblers can lose their house and life savings.

A report says the food expiration labeling date system is a mess. Although anyone with teenagers in the house has never seen an item of food make it anywhere near the expiration date.

A report says the food expiration labeling date system is a mess. The biggest problem for grocers is how to even estimate what the expiration date is for Twinkies now that they are back on the shelves.

A report says the food expiration labeling date system is a mess. Apparently grocers are afraid of being sued if the date on the food item says it hasn’t expired but the person who ate it has.

A gym chain is offering discounts to anyone who gets a tattoo of the company logo. But only if the person actually uses the gym and the tattoo isn’t hidden between five rolls of fat.

Nannies and maids will now qualify to get overtime pay in California. Especially for maids whose work for Arnold Schwarzenegger resulted in them having to hire a nanny.

ExxonMobil says it will extend benefits to same sex couples. Apparently the company doesn’t want anyone to be able to question where someone does their drilling.

Comcast Sports Net in Houston has declared bankruptcy. After a recent Houston Astros game pulled a 0.0 Nielsen ratings, they would do better to show reruns of “The Decision”.

Comcast Sports Net in Houston has declared bankruptcy. With a lineup of the Astros and the Rockets, the worst thing to happen to Comcast was when the Houston Stallions Arena Football team left town.

A federal panel is set to recommend some electronic devices for use during takeoffs and landings. Cell phones will still not be allowed. Not because they are dangerous, but airlines don’t want people tweeting mid air about how the trip is a complete nightmare.

A federal panel is set to recommend some electronic devices for use during takeoffs and landings. Cell phones will still not be allowed. Not because they are dangerous, but because people using them are more annoying than sitting next to a screaming infant.

A report says that the number of children with anxiety disorders is up to 25%. Mostly from pressure by their parents to get a college scholarship so they don’t have to mortgage the house to pay for tuition.

A report says that the number of children with anxiety disorders is up to 25%. Mostly out of fear of getting a wedgie at any given time by the other 75%.

A study says that twice as many Americans commit suicide in states where most households have a gun. As opposed to states where most households have rope, pills, razor blades and bridges.

A study says a program that helps change negative thoughts of high schoolers can help fight depression, obesity and drinking. Of course, most of the negative thoughts disappear the moment the kids get out of high school.

A study says the amount of wine people pour themselves is based on the size of the wine glass, its location and the color of the wine. Although none of those factors matter much when the person drinking the wine just keeps the bottle in a paper bag.

New 3D printed toothbrushes can reportedly clean an entire mouth in six seconds. Especially in Alabama where six seconds means three seconds for each tooth.

McDonald’s is making menu changes with healthier food choices that will be in place at all their restaurants in another 7 years. Apparently they figure by then all the customers who are used to their current menu choices will be dead and they can start over. 

A study says that shopping doesn’t help people cope with traumatic events. Especially when the traumatic event is opening their credit card bill every month.

A new Miss World was crowned over the weekend despite fears of possible terrorist attacks during the pageant which was held in Indonesia. Although contestants say they would have been much more worried about competing for Miss Universe and having to be around Donald Trump.

London Police at Scotland Yard are using 200 officers who are “super recognizers” to identify suspects. Super recognizers are trained to pick out people based on their facial features. Fortunately, they only need to be trained with noses and eyes and can pretty much forget about teeth.

A New York Times obituary for the former president of Nintendo mistakenly identified Maria and Luigi as janitors instead of plumbers. An apology from the Times to video game characters. Now that is a strong union.

A New York Times obituary for the former president of Nintendo mistakenly identified Maria and Luigi as janitors instead of plumbers. The mistake was understandable, especially when dealing with a company that has a gorilla named “Donkey Kong”.

A New York Times obituary for the former president of Nintendo mistakenly identified Maria and Luigi as janitors instead of plumbers. Not only that, they also had to issue an apology to Lara Croft Tomb Raider after calling her a grave robber.

A New York Times obituary for the former president of Nintendo mistakenly identified Maria and Luigi as janitors instead of plumbers. They also had to issue an apology in the sports section to Pacman Jones whom they identified as someone who eats dots in a maze while being chased by ghosts.

Ruben Studdard says he is trying to keep the weight off that he lost on “The Biggest Loser”. Ironically, the only bigger loss he ever endured was what happened to his career after winning “American Idol”.

“GMA” has beaten “Today” for the entire ratings year. Even Nielsen is asking “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?”

A 12 year old boy who caught Alex Rodriguez’ record setting 24th grand slam baseball gave it back to him. Officials knew it was the actual ball Rodriguez hit as they could identify it by all the needle marks.

A 12 year old boy who caught Alex Rodriguez’ record setting 24th grand slam baseball gave it back to him. Apparently the boy gave it back so he could meet the slugger since he won’t be seeing him in person on the ball field for another 211 games.

An Oakland A’s playoff game will push back the kickoff time for the next day’s scheduled Raiders game at Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum. Team officials are worried that a Raiders playoff game could disrupt another event at the stadium as early as 2052.

An Oakland A’s playoff game will push back the kickoff time for the next day’s scheduled Raiders game at Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum. Which could really pose a problems for the Raiders’ fans, especially the ones whose prison furloughs end Sunday evening.

The CEO of BlackBerry says he is “very disappointed” with the company’s earnings. The only question is when your company just lost a billion dollars in the last quarter, does that really count as “earnings”?

The CEO of BlackBerry says he is “very disappointed” with the company’s earnings. The company just had a quarterly loss of a billion dollars. That’s like a member of Congress saying that the $16 Trillion is less of a surplus than they were hoping for.

The CEO of BlackBerry says he is “very disappointed” with the company’s earnings. Fortunately, losing only a billion dollars in the last quarter means he more than likely qualifies for a raise and his full bonus.

A study says the inhabitants of Easter Island around 1200 AD probably consisted mostly of rats. Apparently living on Easter Island pretty much ruled out the chance of anyone eating any bunnies.

A rumor that China was going to relax Internet censorship in some areas has proved to be unfounded. The Chinese government says that proves they need censorship. You just can’t believe anything you read on the Internet.

Consumers are being warned of illegal online lenders plaguing the payday loan industry. The way to tell them apart is that they are almost as greedy and unscrupulous as the legal payday loan companies.

Consumers are being warned of illegal online lenders plaguing the payday loan industry. Apparently the difference between the two is that the legal payday lenders actually leave some of their customers with bus fare when they are done.

A report says the NSA has been gathering the social connections of Americans since 2010. In other words, that is when they signed on for membership at Facebook.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tuesday is October 1st. That is important to us Dodger fans because unlike most years, we can watch the team play after that date. I will put aside my own selfish needs and ask you all to keep sending the love to the Boys in Blue and hope we can finally hoist the World Series Pennant again!

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