Friday, September 27, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Bill Clinton says that his daughter Chelsea would make a good President. Actually, he just wants to keep access to the White House because he never struck out with any woman that he ever brought into the Oval Office.

Brown University students will host a nudity week at school. Not to make any kind of statement, it’s just that college students can’t afford to pay for their college tuition and have any money left for clothes anymore.

A report says that New Jersey is losing 70% of the doctors trained there to other states. Especially the ones who do their internship on the Jersey Shore and want to do something else besides give Botox injections and treat STDs and alcoholism.

A report says that both pilots on a commercial flight into the UK fell asleep at the same time for several minutes. Apparently they are blaming it on the air traffic controller who was supposed to wake them up but slept through their own alarm clock.

A report says that both pilots on a commercial flight into the UK fell asleep at the same time for several minutes. Apparently they are blaming it on a new flight attendant who served them their nightcap way too early in the flight.

The Postal Service Chief talking about their latest proposed rate hike says “We have little choice.” With the Post Office on track to lose another $6 Billion this year, it would be more accurate to say they have little hope.

Researchers at Harvard and MIT say they have created a “Star Wars” style light saber. Which is perfect for defending themselves against anyone trying to mess with the date they will never have.

A report says that Spaniards are tired and less productive because of the time zone they are in. Apparently they are proposing moving their clocks back an hour which will put them in the same time zone as those economic powerhouses Portugal, Ireland and Morocco.

A report says that Spaniards are tired and less productive because of the time zone they are in. By the sound of things, they somehow got stuck in the same time zone as Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama.

A report says that Spaniards are tired and less productive because of the time zone they are in. There is a movement to turn back the clocks one hour. Unlike Iran, which somehow managed to turn their clocks back 900 years.

A comedian has been charged with assaulting a journalist in Washington, D.C. The only problem was trying to tell the two apart.

Jobless claims dropped to a six year low after a computer glitch was fixed. Apparently the program error still allowed out of work people to file for unemployment benefits.

Reader’s Digest used the “dropped wallet” test to find the most and least honest cities in the world. Lisbon rated the least likely to return the wallet, with Helsinki the most likely. People were shocked. Reader’s Digest is still in business?

Economists say there are signs the U.S. job market may be picking up. Which is great news for the people working two jobs to make ends meet who are looking for a third.

Toyota has recalled 615,000 minivans that have problems rolling away. To which Chrysler owners are saying “Is that an available option?”

A new hybrid plant called the TomTato grows both tomatoes and potatoes. That is one plant you will not find growing in the garden of Dan Quayle.

A new hybrid plant called the TomTato grows both tomatoes and potatoes. Apparently it is still causing friction between people over whether it is pronounced “tom-tayto” or “tom-tahto”.

Nine Japan based car parts companies will plead guilty to price fixing in the U.S. Apparently the scam didn’t involve Chrysler parts since after a couple of years the price of most parts exceeds the value of the car.

A report shows that it is possible to get a bachelor’s degree for $10,000. Apparently it can all be done by mail and comes with a framed diploma from either Harverd, Yail or Princetun.

Facebook stock has reached $50 for the first time ever. Not the stock price. The net worth of all shares added together.

The head of the SEC says that big fines are the key to attacking wrongdoing. Like the one levied against U.S. taxpayers to pay to bailout all the Wall Street banks that destroyed the world economy.

The head of the SEC says that big fines are the key to attacking wrongdoing. Apparently the goal is to hit criminal activity so hard that the Wall Street executives responsible will have to cut down to lighting their cigars with only $50 bills.

The head of the SEC says that big fines are the key to attacking wrongdoing. Or as Wall Street executives call their usual punishment for criminal activity, the year end bonus.

Google has announced search upgrades for their 15th anniversary. Apparently they are making it possible for people to be able to still do Internet searches that can actually find search engines like Yahoo, Alta Vista and Ask Jeeves that were crushed by Google.

A study links smoking to $278 Billion in yearly losses to U.S. employers. Especially the cigars that are smoked by Wall Street executives while they come up with new money making scams that destroy the rest of the economy.

A study says that Omega 3 acids don’t help women with their thinking skills. Although it has to do better for women than whatever prompted the decisions made by Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus.

The American Heart Association is calling for help for severely obese kids. You know your kid is a bit overweight when they ask for a note to get out of school to have a stent replaced.

The American Heart Association is calling for help for severely obese kids. You know your kid is a bit overweight when you are relieved they don’t need braces so that you can use the money that would go to the orthodontist to pay for their cardiologist.

A study says that ibuprofen may ease depression in arthritis patients. Except for when it comes back when they realize their arthritis won’t let them get the cap off the bottle of ibuprofen.

Some rare photos of the Rolling Stones will be displayed at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Even more exciting is that the pictures were taken during a tour of the U.S. and feature their playing at the White House for Abraham Lincoln 

Some rare photos of the Rolling Stones will be displayed at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Fans are excited to see actual photos of Keith Richards that weren’t taken with an X-Ray.

Former Hugh Hefner girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson reportedly had a minor stroke during a car crash. Her association with Hefner means that strokes may be reclassified as STDs.

Amanda Bynes’ lawyer says he hopes for a resolution in her New York bong throwing case. Mostly because throwing a bong out of a 36th floor window in Manhattan was the most normal thing she has done in the past six months.

Simon Cowell says he was joking about missing the birth of his baby and will be in the delivery room when it arrives. He wants to make sure he is there to tell his girlfriend what she is doing wrong and how to improve her performance in the childbirth process.

Former Disney star Dylan Sprouse is defending his job as a restaurant manager in New York. The former “Zach and Cody” star has disappointed fans who get to see all their other favorite former Disney stars when they go on tours of local jails and rehab clinics.

Prince Harry is keeping up a schedule of appearances for charity while training for a trip to the South Pole. In fact, he made sure to visit a local club to spend some time not only with Charity but also Candy, Angel and Raven.

Prince Harry is keeping up a schedule of appearances for charity while training for a trip to the South Pole. Of course, being a member of the Royal Family pretty much means his whole existence is based on charity.

Lamar Odom is reportedly in hiding, smoking crack and cheating on his wife Khloe Kardashian with another woman. Or as that is known in the Kardashian family, a “spinoff”.

Bill Nye was told by doctors that he should quit “Dancing With The Stars” because of a knee injury. Especially since he suffered the injury while lacing up his dancing shoes.

Former “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood will be out of jail soon, according to her former boyfriend. What could possibly go wrong with giving her custody of her daughter at this point? Why not just enroll the tot in pole dancing lessons and take it from there?

Former “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood will be out of jail soon, according to her former boyfriend. A mom at 16 and an ex-con at 23. This woman is pretty much a perpetual reality show.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he will retire at the end of the 2014 season. His tenure gave us Alex Rodriguez, steroids and the 1994 season with no World Series. With a track record like that, his leaving can only mean a run for Congress.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are offering two free beers for anyone buying tickets to this week’s game. Apparently they know that any Jaguars fans will have to buy at least another ten beers on top of that in order to make it through the entire game.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are offering two free beers for anyone buying tickets to this week’s game. Which is a pretty good deal, considering two beers at a Jets game will set you back more than the cost of a pair of season tickets.

Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano is asking for a 10 year contract for $305 Million. Or as the Astros call that, the team’s payroll and travel budget.

Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano is asking for a 10 year contract for $305 Million. Apparently he wants to live in Manhattan and would like to be in a position to buy instead of rent.

A Canadian woman who entered a half Marathon in Ontario missed a turn and won the full Marathon. Or as they call that in Boston, a reverse Rosie Ruiz.

Bill Gates says that the control-alt-delete function on computers was a mistake that should have been one button. He says the only bigger mistake ever done at Microsoft was Windows Vista.

The Apple iOS7 operating system upgrade caused major traffic jams that caused a major slowdown on the Internet over the weekend. Or as AOL users know that as, the weekend.

Ford CEO Alan Mulally is reportedly in line to be the next CEO of Microsoft. Although at this point it would be more logical to hire the CEO of Chrysler who already knows how to run a company that makes products that are obsolete, unreliable and outdated.

The FCC wants to make wireless carriers report cell outages during disasters. Which confused the people at AT&T whose phone service and number of outages are a disaster in themselves.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all have a great weekend. Don’t forget to tell your friends about the blog and how funny the jokes are. What’s a little lie between friends? Just make sure you always remember to send the love!

1 comment:

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