Thursday, September 26, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says that 68% of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 32% are asking “The country has a direction?”

A poll says that 68% of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. Most feel if the Republicans succeed in their threats to shut down the government we should just never start it up again.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos who just bought the Washington Post says that newspapers could one day become a luxury item. Mostly because with our school system it will pretty much be a status symbol to show you are able to read.

The Millionaire Confidence Index for investing is at an all time high. Ironically, it was the people who stayed out of the market in the past five years who are the millionaires.

The Millionaire Confidence Index for investing is at an all time high. Of course, it’s easy to have confidence when you have a million dollars and don’t have to worry where the next meal is coming from.

Wealth in Asia may top that in North America by 2014. Apparently they won’t be happy until they outsource all our rich people as well.

Wealth in Asia may top that in North America by 2014. Until we default on our debt and write off the $16 Trillion they were dumb enough to loan us.

Hamilton College in New York will host a workshop on orgasms for women. It will be easy to find. It will be the room where all the women are outside class smoking a cigarette when it is over.

Hamilton College in New York will host a workshop on orgasms for women. Male students were surprised. Women have orgasms?

Hamilton College in New York will host a workshop on orgasms for women. All it consists of is hiring Brad Pitt and George Clooney for guest lecturers.

Hamilton College in New York will host a workshop on orgasms for women. It’s the one class where women will voluntarily set their cellphones to “vibrate”.

Shipping newspaper Lloyd’s List will go to only digital format after being in print since it started in London in 1734. The only problem they are facing is what to do with their bulky Gutenberg printing press.

Guidelines in England call for psychiatrists to consider adolescence at ending at age 25. And for men to start up again at 45.

Guidelines in England call for psychiatrists to consider adolescence at ending at age 25. Mostly to make 23 year olds still living in their parents’ basement feel a little better about things.

A reality show is being planned that would send celebrities into space. So far the overwhelming response from potential viewers is that people will tune in just as long as they are launching Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

Swiss scientists say that too much caffeine can kill kids’ brain power. Apparently they are basing it on the fact that the Swiss Miss actually never got past the 4th grade.

New home sales in the U.S. went up 7.9% in August. The only bad news is that the homes that are selling were built in 2007 and have been sitting on the market since then.

1.3 tons of cocaine worth $270 Million were found in suitcases on an Air France flight. Apparently authorities became suspicious when the plane was able to get up to 25,000 feet before the engines were even started.

The Post Office is seeking a 3 cent increase in the price of first class stamps, up to 49 cents. The increase is expected to make up for as much as $43 of the $6 Billion the Postal Service is planning to lose this year.

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the New York Giants.

Former Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson says that former second lady Lynne Cheney told him to “shut up”, reportedly over his refusal to sign a football. Apparently he declined to try to write on the pigskin since Senators are so prone to always dropping the ball anyway.

Former Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson says that former second lady Lynne Cheney told him to “shut up.” He said he knew she was serious when she threatened to sign him up for a hunting excursion with her husband.

California has voted to raise the minimum wage to $10 an hour in 2016. Which means in only three years they will be able to change their economic status from “destitute” to “poverty stricken”.

A trade agency investigation says that olive oil fraud is rampant. In fact, there hasn’t been this much fraud concerning virgin olive oil since Popeye’s girlfriend convinced him she wasn’t sleeping with Bluto.

Samsung is planning to introduce a cellphone with a curved screen. The new technology will allow drivers to still be able to read what’s on their screen by being able to see around the tree in their face they just crashed into while texting.

A boom in home and stock prices has raised the net worth of American households. Except for all the people who lost their home and had to sell off all their stocks when the economy crashed.

Twitter will start texting emergency alerts to its users. Until now, the biggest emergency ever posted on Twitter was that someone burned the eggs they were going to eat for breakfast.

The Obama Administration is being sued for not enforcing a law requiring back up cameras in new cars starting in 2011. Which is ironic since if anything is always operating in reverse it is the government.

A survey says that 15% of Americans don’t go online. Technology experts were shocked. They had no idea AOL still had that many subscribers.

A survey says that 15% of Americans don’t go online. At least not while their wife is at home.

Researchers say that most football concussions happen in practice and not in games. Especially teams whose next game is scheduled against the Cleveland Browns.

Researchers say that most football concussions happen in practice and not in games. Except for players on the Cincinnati Bengals who are most likely to get a concussion when they are hit on the head while robbing a liquor store.

A study gives reasons why runners don’t tend to get arthritis in their knees. Which just might have something to do with the fact that they run which means they aren’t forcing their knees to become arthritic from carrying around 300 pounds of weight all day.

A California ban of chemicals linked to low IQ levels is said to have far reaching effects, according to a study. Of course, the chemical most responsible for low IQs is still legal across the entire state. Alcohol.

A poll says that two thirds of Americans believe the myth that people only use 10% of their brain. Especially after they read the newspapers and see what is going on over in Congress.

A man known as “Papa Smurf” because of his chemically induced blue skin has died at age 62. The only problem is that he was dead a week before anyone realized he had a heart attack and his skin was turning blue for real.

A study says that acupuncture may relieve depression, but only temporarily. Mostly when people become happy knowing the acupuncturist is finally taking all those needles out of their body.

Four U.S. Senators are telling energy drink manufacturers to stop targeting kids. If anything, the energy drink people should be targeting all the members of Congress.

A Chinese man who was disfigured in an accident had a nose artificially grown on his forehead to be transplanted on his face. The question is, if they could grow it on his forehead couldn’t they have saved a lot of trouble and just grown it where his nose used to be?

Britney Spears says she will perform a duet on her new album with Miley Cyrus. Apparently it will be called “Dueling Bimbos.”

Britney Spears says she will perform a duet on her new album with Miley Cyrus. Both women say they can hardly wait to get into the studio to lip sync together.

American yacht Oracle won eight straight races against New Zealand to take the Americas Cup. It was such an impossible comeback that Larry Ellison is now considering buying Pets.com.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says that the Oakland County Coliseum is “a pit.” In other words, it should be left alone because it fits right in with the rest of Oakland.

Milwaukee Brewer Carlos Gomez’ slow home run trot started a brawl in a game against Atlanta. How slow does something have to be at a baseball game to even get anyone to notice in the first place?

An Ohio man who streaked at a Cleveland Browns game has been banned from the property. A ban against nudity means that the team won’t be booking any halftime shows featuring Miley Cyrus anytime soon.

The Houston Astros hosted a “ladies’ night” which promised to teach women about the game. A Houston Astros game is the last place anyone should go to find out how the game is played.

The Vatican says that Jesus’ short, pithy messages means he was doing Twitter before Twitter came around. Although some of the Disciples were getting a bit annoyed at being told every day how he was eating his usual breakfast of Manna from Heaven.

Search engine Google has turned 15 years old. To which the average 15 year old who is constantly on their cellphone or tablet using social media and music sites is asking “What’s Google?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. If this site makes just one person laugh each day, then the jokes really suck. Hopefully it gets through to a few more of you who will make sure to pass it along to everyone you know. And always remember to take some time to send the love!


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