Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Baby Boomers across the country have been organizing Death Dinners where they talk about issues surrounding death. To add to the atmosphere they usually have them catered by Taco Bell.

Baby Boomers across the country have been organizing Death Dinners where they talk about issues surrounding death. Apparently the only other time they think about death while eating is during holiday meals with their families.

Pope Francis I and Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI are reaching out to atheists in a campaign to engage non-believers. Apparently they are finding out most the atheists they come across are former altar boys.

A Michigan man found dead in his car had apparently just googled his symptoms on a computer. What’s bad is that Google came up with a list of will and estate planning lawyers.

A Michigan man found dead in his car had apparently just googled his symptoms on a computer. Apparently he didn’t live to see the response, “Dude, I think you’ve been shot.”

Lech Walesa says that Germany and Poland should merge into a single country. Unfortunately, there are too many Poles who remember the last time that Germany tried that back in 1939.

Flights out of Venezuela are reportedly booked solid for months in advance. Apparently this toilet paper crisis is a lot worse than everyone thought.

Flights out of Venezuela are reportedly booked solid for months in advance. No one is surprised. Have you been to been to Venezuela lately?

Flights out of Venezuela are reportedly booked solid for months in advance. Mostly because United just started offering service there and this is what happens when half the flights are delayed, canceled or overbooked.

A baseball game between the Houston Astros and the Cleveland Indians came in with a 0.0 Nielsen rating. To which NBC immediately added them to their prime time lineup.

A baseball game between the Houston Astros and the Cleveland Indians came in with a 0.0 Nielsen rating. It’s the first time two teams were mathematically eliminated from having an audience.

A baseball game between the Houston Astros and the Cleveland Indians came in with a 0.0 Nielsen rating. The worst part is there were actually more people watching the game’s highlights later that night on CNN.

Burger King is offering lower calorie french fries called "Satisfries" that have 30% less fat than their other fries. Is that what people really want? That’s like opening a strip club where dancers keep on 30% more of their clothes.

The U.S. is developing a “Richter” scale to rate wildfires. How do you rate a fire? Apparently they are working with hot, really hot and Kate Upton smokin’ hot.

A 28 year old Brit has become the first woman to row solo across the North Pacific. Apparently her parents booked her on a Carnival cruise and she decided her way would give her a lot better odds of arriving safely.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz vowed to filibuster against Health Care Reform until he “could no longer stand.” Fortunately, if he couldn’t stand any more he has a great health care plan that would get him to the hospital for an immediate check up and pay all his bills.

More school cafeterias across the country are going electronic with their billing. The way kids are eating, it was getting too expensive for schools to hire armed guards to escort the large cash transactions to the bank every day.

Collectors say the new $100 bills could be worth as much as $15,000. Mostly because of the interest costs added to the debt from printing up even more worthless money.

European hostels are gaining in popularity with business travelers on a budget. Apparently a hostel is a good way to unwind after flying in on an airline which is just hostile.

A study says that questionable workers’ compensation cases are rising. They are mostly questionable because it’s hard to believe so many people still actually have a job.

Carnival Cruise Lines is reporting lower earnings and bookings. Apparently people looking to make some money from a lawsuit are canceling their cruise plans as Carnival hasn’t had a disaster in months.

Home prices in the U.S. in July saw their fastest rise since 2006. Which means if they keep going up at this rate, people’s homes will be worth what they paid for them by right around 2045.

Holiday seasonal hiring by retailers is slower than last year. The hardest part is for store owners having to explain to applicants for Santa’s elves that they are just a little short.

Apple is offering refunds on its iTunes season passes after fans didn’t get a whole year’s worth of “Breaking Bad” episodes. Which is nothing compared to the refunds being demanded by people who used iTunes to buy any Justin Bieber songs.

Moody’s is warning of the risk that could come from raising the U.S. debt ceiling. Apparently once we go beyond $16 Trillion, some might think there is something wrong with the way we are running the country.

A report says that home prices are rising in the Detroit metro area. Apparently some houses are now getting offers back up into the triple digits.

Researchers say that artificial sweeteners don’t work for some people because they are disappointed by not getting a sugar rush. Which is why people who drink diet soft drinks gain weight from using them to wash down a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

A study says that the smell of a new baby helps bond infants to their moms. Which is pretty much the same thing that happens to a man when he gets a whiff of new car scent.

A study says that the smell of a new baby helps bond infants to their moms. Almost as much as what drives dads out the door when they catch a whiff of new baby diaper.

A study says that a 10% weight loss may relieve arthritis pain in people’s knees. Which means it’s not arthritis. When you are that much overweight it’s pretty much just the effects of gravity.

A study says that smartphone health apps are a security risk for users. Especially when you are storing your personal health information on the app you just purchased from a Nigerian prince.

Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe have been signed to write an advice column for the New York Daily News. Apparently they will be giving tips on which wines go best with an omelet or pancakes.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson has sold back a ring that belonged to Jane Austen for $250,000 that was ordered to stay in England. She has been obsessed with rings ever since she was forced each week to kiss the one worn by Simon Cowell.

Jon Hamm will have throat surgery to remove a polyp next week. It won’t be until he gets his hospital bill and tries to deal with his health insurance company that he will truly become a mad man.

Simon Cowell says he will not be watching the birth of his baby. Apparently he doesn’t want to be in the delivery room because they don’t even have any mirrors.

President Obama says he quit smoking because he is “afraid of his wife.” That, and he is worried about the possibility of cigarettes causing him health problems after Obamacare goes into effect.

Bill Nye reportedly injured his knee while rehearsing for “Dancing With The Stars”. Apparently no one on the show stopped to consider the man is a scientist and probably has never actually experienced dancing with an actual woman before.

A long lost Mary Pickford movie was recently discovered in a barn in New Hampshire. Film experts say it would be an even trade to take the film out of the barn and instead fill it with all of Adam Sandler’s movies.

A report says that football players at the University of Texas are each worth $578,000 a year to the school. Which still makes their yearly salary of $250,000 a bargain.

A report says that football players at the University of Texas are each worth $578,000 a year to the school. As opposed to when they leave the school after four years without a degree and are now worth $7.50 and hour plus tips delivering Dominos pizzas.

A report says that football players at the University of Texas are each worth $578,000 a year to the school. As opposed to players on the Cleveland Browns who have a team value closer to $578.

An extremely rare photo of Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg has been discovered. Although historians are questioning its authenticity. There is a man in a top hat in the photo but the Les Paul guitar he is playing could mean it’s actually a picture of Slash.

An extremely rare photo of Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg has been discovered. Although historians are questioning its authenticity. They don’t really think that is Stephen Douglas standing behind him giving him bunny ears.

BlackBerry phones, once carried by the high powered and elite are now considered uncool by young users. Why would anyone want technology dating back to prehistoric times, back in 2008?

Twitter and CBS are partnering for promotional tweets for the network. Although taking the CBS demographics into account, they would be better off partnering with Western Union on the telegraph.

A report says that 20% of all Yelp reviews are fake. Apparently the investigation was conducted after Red Lobster got 20% positive reviews.

Steve Jobs’ childhood home in Los Altos may be designated a historical landmark. Mostly by the people of Los Altos who have Jobs to thank for creating Silicon Valley and making their homes worth millions of dollars.

John McAfee is vowing to make the Internet “impossible to hack”. Which people would be more likely to believe the day he does something about blocking spam and pop up ads.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you enjoy the jokes. Where else can you get high quality late night TV style humor free of charge? I mean besides watching late night TV. It’s not totally free here. All I ask is that when you are done reading you remember once in awhile to send the love!

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