Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Ted Turner says that men should be banned from political office for 100 years. Apparently they also shouldn’t be allowed to run cable networks, baseball teams or make business decisions to merge with AOL.

The Census Bureau says the four wealthiest counties in the U.S. all border the Washington, D.C. Metro area. Apparently all those lobbyists like to live close enough to where they can just walk those wheelbarrows full of cash back to their homes.

Property taxes in New Jersey have gone up 13% under Governor Chris Christie. Which doesn’t bother any homeowners since property values have gone down 53% during the same time.

Dick Cheney’s gun reportedly malfunctioned during an antelope hunting contest. Apparently not one person at the event was shot in the face.

An ambulance in Pennsylvania was reportedly carjacked at gunpoint with a patient inside. Apparently the patient was traumatized by the event. They weren’t expecting to be treated like that by anyone other than their health insurance company.

Mick Jagger will reportedly become a great grandfather next year. His granddaughter is planning on natural childbirth but may have to go Caesarian if the baby has her great grandfathers lips.

Mick Jagger will reportedly become a great grandfather next year. Although it’s possible that it may already have happened since he may have had a hand in populating half of Europe during the 1960s.

Mick Jagger will reportedly become a great grandfather next year. It will be the first time the Stones will have heard someone being called “great grandpa” since Keith Richards still brought his kids around.

The U.S. Army will ban tattoos below the elbows and knees. Apparently they can be a little more picky as to whom they accept ever since we cut back from having to fight two wars at the same time.

The U.S. Army will ban tattoos below the elbows and knees. Remember when having ink was a sign you were in the military and being gay meant you were out?

A Chinese billionaire is planning to build an $8 Billion Chinese Hollywood. In a real labor market turnaround, the U.S. will be asked to outsource all the street pimps, prostitutes and drug addicts to make it seem more realistic.

Apple sold a record 9 Million iPhones on the first weekend of sales of the new models. Buyers were optimistic they would figure out all the new features before they wait in line to buy the next upgrade which will come out in two weeks.

Pope Francis I attacked global economic system for “worshipping the god of money.” For proof, he showed them the Catholic Church’s portfolio to demonstrate how worshipping the real God is where the big money is.

Ruth Patrick, a pioneer in pollution control has died at age 105. She fought against pollution because at 105 she is one of the last people in the country to remember what it’s like to have clean air and clean water.

BP is renewing its bid to suspend settlement payments to victims of the Gulf Oil Spill. Apparently the company is hoping they can stall long enough for the effects of the spill to kill off all the remaining people who are making claims against them.

The former bodyguards of Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady are on trial in Costa Rica for shooting at photographers. Apparently they mixed up their supermodels and thought they were working for Naomi Campbell.

The Swiss have voted to keep their army even though the neutral country hasn’t been at war for more than 200 years. Even the French are asking them what’s the point of having a military.

The Swiss have voted to keep their army even though the neutral country hasn’t been at war for more than 200 years. Their military training is so lax, it turns out the only function the army even knows how to use on their Swiss Army knives is the bottle opener.

St. Louis Rams tackle Ty Nsekhe blasted the military, saying “It doesn’t take much skill to kill someone.” It turns out his remarks weren’t aimed at the military but at Aaron Hernandez and Ray Lewis.

The FAA is set to recommend an end to the ban of electronics during takeoffs and landings. Apparently the agency wants people to be able to tweet their friends and take videos while their plane is crashing because of all the electronic interference.

Scientists say the Earth can sustain life another 1.75 Billion years before it becomes too hot. To which Al Gore says “I told you we needed to take action on global warming sooner.”

Disney says it will no longer allow disabled guests at their theme parks to move to the front of the lines on rides. Unless their disability resulted in a large cash settlement and they can afford to buy a Fast Pass.

Disney says it will no longer allow disabled guests at their theme parks to move to the front of the lines on rides. Apparently the only disability that Disney recognizes for special treatment is being incredibly wealthy.

Americans are reportedly spending less on Halloween this year than they did in 2012. Apparently if people want to be scared anymore, all they do is open their latest 401(k) statement.

Americans are reportedly spending less on Halloween this year than they did in 2012. Apparently people are trying to cut back on the candy since every kid that comes to their door is dressed as Chris Christie.

A survey says that loyalty to particular restaurant chains is based on the alcohol they serve. Which also finally gives an explanation as to why people show up at Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs.

Wal-Mart is expanding jobs for 70,000 workers for the holiday season. Usually the only time the word “expanding” is used with Wal-Mart it is referring to the average size of their customers.

Wonder Bread is returning to store shelves nearly a year after being bought from Hostess. It’s the biggest example of the popularity of white bread since wearing an Old Navy sweatshirt to a Kenny G concert.

Researchers say that one in 500 patients wakes up while on the operating table. The other 499 don’t belong to an HMO that hires part time anesthesiologists.

Researchers say that one in 500 patients wakes up while on the operating table. To which hospitals say “You would prefer to not wake up at all?”

A photo of an 8 month pregnant weightlifter still working out with weights is causing controversy. Apparently people are saying if moms want to stay in shape by weightlifting, just try and pick up an average three year old.

An agency says that wealthy Chinese are hiring American women to be surrogate mothers. Apparently while they are outsourcing all our jobs, the only thing we are outsourcing are wombs.

An agency says that wealthy Chinese are hiring American women to be surrogate mothers. The worst part is, we are outsourcing a womb to a child who will grow up to take away another American job.

A study says that facing fears while sleeping can help a person get over them. Unless your fear is of dying in your sleep.

A study says that facing fears while sleeping can help a person get over them. Unless you are afraid that your wife will realize you didn’t come to bed until three in the morning.

A store that sells expired food called the Daily Table is set to open next year. Don’t we already have that? They’re called Wal-Mart Supercenters.

A study says that cancer patients live longer when they are married. But only when their spouse still qualifies for and can afford health insurance.

A study says that napping helps preschoolers with their memory skills. It also gives them valuable training for when they eventually become air traffic controllers.

A study says that people exposed to high amounts of arsenic in the environment are at an increased risk for heart attacks and stroke. They are also at risk for being poisoned by arsenic.

The FDA says it will only regulate apps that turn cellphones and tablets into medical devices. Although they say you are on your own with the app that turns your iPhone into a do-it-yourself prostate exam.

A report says that celebrity sex tapes are bankrolling the entire porn industry. And pretty much the D-List stars who are making them.

Kelly Clarkson says she is glad that Jane Austen’s ring that she bid $230,000 for will be staying in the UK. People were surprised. How did Kelly Clarkson come up with $230,000?

Bon Jovi drummer Tico Torres was rushed to the hospital for emergency gall bladder surgery. The band dedicated the song “Livin’ On A Prayer” to him when they found out the surgery was being done at an HMO.

Bon Jovi drummer Tico Torres was rushed to the hospital for emergency gall bladder surgery. Not to say the band is getting older, but remember when musicians used to be rushed to the hospital for drug overdoses and not gallstones?

Jon Gosselin is defending firing a warning shot at a photographer who came onto his property. He says he did it out of habit. You shoot one photographer and two hundred more come around to take your picture.

Cher has announced her upcoming “Dressed to Kill” tour in 2014. Which will coincide with the upcoming Miley Cyrus “Just Plain Undressed” tour.

Britney Spears will reportedly lip synch during her upcoming shows in Las Vegas. She’ll also have a stunt double doing her dance moves and have a celebrity impersonator meet with the audience after the show.

Britney Spears will reportedly lip synch during her upcoming shows in Las Vegas. Spears defended the move, saying lip synching is hard to do. It’s almost as hard as reading without actually saying the words out loud.

A survey says that Johnny Manziel’s popularity is down 50% from last year. Mostly because the cost of getting him to sign a program has gone up 500%.

The owners of Wembley Stadium in England say they would like to field an NFL franchise. To which the people of Miami and Cincinnati are saying “What about us?”

Several top automakers are planning to offer wireless charging in their vehicles for 2014. Which will allow people to finish sending their texts while driving without interruption of power right up until they slam their car into a tree.

Atari has filed a plan to let them escape from bankruptcy and keep operating. Which is really big news if you are living in 1983.

Atari has filed a plan to let them escape from bankruptcy and keep operating. Which means that sometime in 2014 they will be able to release “Pong 38.4”.

A gold iPhone that sells for $649 was auctioned on eBay for $10,000. Apparently the buyer was an unnamed prince from Nigeria.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It has come to my attention that I am still falling woefully short of my goal of reaching a daily readership of 7 Billion. You can help, since you are the only ones reading it by spreading the word about my blog to everyone you have ever met in your life. Have them do the same and within a couple of years we might make some real headway. Let me know how it goes. Until then, just keep taking the time every once in awhile to remember to send the love!

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