Sunday, September 22, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A flock of birds seen on Radar caused Israeli military jets to scramble. Who would have thought that the old MTV video “99 Luftballoons” would actually end up being a documentary?

A Venezuelan state agency has ordered the takeover of a toilet paper factory. In the U.S., a government agency is already in charge of toilet paper manufacturing. It’s called the Treasury Department.

A Venezuelan state agency has ordered the takeover of a toilet paper factory. That’s the difference between South America and the U.S. Here, the government only invades when it comes to oil.

Joe Biden’s niece says that the pressure of being related to the Vice President caused her addictions to drugs and alcohol. Which is ironic since the only pressure on the Vice President is letting people know what the Vice President actually does.

The Department of Homeland Security will test facial recognition technology at a hockey game. The only problem with the venue is for the system to recognize any faces that actually have teeth.

Doctors are being advised to not give anti-psychotic medications to children and adolescents without psychotic disorders. Isn’t that pretty much like telling a doctor not to prescribe chemotherapy to someone who doesn’t have cancer?

President Obama is looking to Hollywood to help promote health care reform. The problem with that is that you can’t find a doctor who practices anywhere near Hollywood who does anything but hair transplants, Botox injections and breast implants.

Dr. John Kennell, who advocated newborns bonding with parents in the hospital has died at 91. Apparently he thought parents should get close to their children at birth since kids don’t want to have anything to do with mom and dad once after age two.

Detroit reportedly has a problem with packs of stray dogs roaming the streets which is being partly blamed on the city’s 30,000 vacant buildings. If nothing else, the city has a future industry as movie location for any upcoming “Mad Max” sequels.

Harvard is launching a $6.5 Billion capital raising campaign. Apparently it is hoping to pay for scholarships to send ten students through the Harvard business and law schools.

A poll says that all but those with low incomes see the job market expanding. Which is ironic since the only jobs still available are those that pay minimum wage.

A poll says that all but those with low incomes see the job market expanding. The only problem is that anymore, 90% of all Americans are low income.

United Airlines is going back to its old slogan of “Fly the Friendly Skies.” Apparently their newer slogan of “Go F@&# Yourself”, while honest wasn’t pulling in the business their marketing department was hoping for.

United Airlines is going back to its old slogan of “Fly the Friendly Skies.” Apparently their new slogan of “Jihad in the air” was already trademarked by al Queda.

United Airlines is going back to its old slogan of “Fly the Friendly Skies.” Which shows that if nothing else, the company still has a sense of humor.

United Airlines is going back to its old slogan of “Fly the Friendly Skies.” They were also thinking of going back to their old way of doing business with courteous employees, reasonable fares and prompt service but then remembered that was the other airlines.

Cable companies are fighting to feed “binge” TV viewers. The only problem is that with cable, on demand programming must be made with an appointment and will be shown sometime next week between 8am and 5pm.

Cable companies are fighting to feed “binge” TV viewers. Which makes sense to be the way Americans watch TV. It fits right in to our schedule while we are binge eating, binge drinking and binge dieting.

Allegiant Airlines has grounded 30 planes that need their exit slides inspected. If they would inspect the rest of the working parts once in awhile, they wouldn’t ever need to use the exit slides in the first place.

Motorists are mostly unwilling to have devices placed in their cars to monitor their driving for insurance discounts. Apparently the electronic devices can interfere with their cellphone’s ability to send out and receive text messages while driving.

69 year old Oracle CEO Larry Ellison has taken an 18% pay cut this year, down to $78.4 Million. The man is worth $41 Billion and owns an island in Hawaii. The real question is why is he still working?

A report says that the average time for running a Marathon is 44 minutes slower than it was 30 years ago. Mostly because it’s not like the runners have to be anywhere after the race, like at a job.

A report says that the average time for running a Marathon is 44 minutes slower than it was 30 years ago. Mostly because 30 years ago runners didn’t have cellphones to take selfies, watch the latest episode of “Breaking Bad” and play the newest version of “Grand Theft Auto” during the race.

A report says that 30% of all home purchases are now done with cash. Mostly in Detroit where you can buy a city block and still get change back from a twenty.

President Obama says the GOP would place the U.S. back into a recession. Economists were surprised. “We’re not in a recession?”

Some credit cards are now coming encrusted with .02 carat diamonds. Which ironically reminds them of the jewelry they could have bought if they hadn’t wasted so much money on interest carrying such a high balance on their credit cards.

A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.

The California Legislature is considering a bill that would allow condoms to be distributed in prisons. The worst part for inmates will be seeing that their cellmate has ordered several dozen boxes.

A study says why parents often don’t approve of their children’s spouses. Mostly because they are usually right.

A study says that pregnant women are risking complications and additional hospitalization if they are too much overweight or underweight. Well, that sure narrows it down.

Scientists say that humans can sniff out ten basic odors. And three of them are Mickey Rourke.

Scientists say that humans can sniff out ten basic odors. For women it is chocolate, and the other nine don’t count.

A 9 year old UK boy has a syndrome that causes him to cry when he hears music. Either that or his iPod only plays Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

A study says that heart failure patients’ mental state influences their hospital re-admission rate. That, and possibly the fact their heart isn’t working anymore.

A study says that heart failure patients’ mental state influences their hospital re-admission rate. Which usually is at its worst right around the time they get the bill from their cardiologist.

Some credit card companies are waiving fees for members of the military. Which is ironic, since it is all the wars we are fighting that have helped to put the country $16 Trillion in debt.

A study says that a new state of mind may exist for surgery patients who are under anesthetic. It is the region between the narcotic induced state of euphoria and the despair which takes over once the patient gets their hospital bills.

A study says that opioid prescriptions are skyrocketing in the U.S. but pain treatment has not improved. Mostly because the people who are using the opioids aren’t actually using them for pain medication.

Snooki says she may get surgery on her breasts because after the birth of her baby they are “disgusting”. If anyone should be used to being around disgusting boobs, it is the former star of “Jersey Shore.”

Khloe Kardashian has reportedly given up on saving her marriage to Lamar Odom. Apparently once a Kardashian makes it past the 70 day mark, that’s good enough.

Oprah Winfrey has confirmed she went through a nervous breakdown last year. Just like the 70 Million women who can’t get through an afternoon without seeing Oprah on TV anymore.

Oprah Winfrey has confirmed she went through a nervous breakdown last year. Apparently it finally hit her that she is the one responsible for subjecting millions of Americans to both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.

Jon Gosselin reportedly fired a gun at a photographer near his house. It could have been serious. It can be assumed any man with eight children isn’t shooting blanks.

An autograph signing show in Pennsylvania featuring Michael Vick was canceled after the organizer received thousands of death threats. At least they think they were death threats. All that could be understood on the phone calls was “Woof!” and “Grrr!”

Tim Tebow has reportedly turned down a $1 Million offer to play football in Russia. Apparently he refuses to play for any less than what he was making playing quarterback while in college.

“Grand Theft Auto V” is being criticized for a torture scene in the video game which is being defended by supporters as being satire. Which is exactly how the U.S. Government has defended itself for using waterboarding.

Blackberry suffered a reported $1 Billion quarterly loss and says it will lay off 40% of its workforce. Technology experts were shocked. Where did Blackberry get a billion dollars to lose?

Microsoft is offering Windows 8.1 to some businesses early for testing. Mostly to the ones who have finally figured out how to use Windows 95.

A study says that NASA spends $24 Million on unneeded facilities. Mostly NASA Headquarters.

A government document confirms that an H-Bomb that was accidentally dropped on North Carolina in 1961 came close to exploding. It was an accident because the military was supposed to drop it on Alabama.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You may have noticed that I used an edited profanity on one of the jokes about United Airlines, which I usually stay away from. However, I will always make an exception about profanities when it comes to United. Every flight I have ever had on other airlines was better than the best flight I have had on United, and that includes one that ran off the runway on an aborted takeoff. It wouldn’t surprise me if the H-Bomb that fell on North Carolina was dropped from a United flight. In other words, I don’t really like that airline and will make every attempt to avoid having to fly them in the future. Just passing on my own experiences to save you similar problems on your travels. I am still fighting them for canceling a flight on me last year that they don’t feel obligated to return my e-mails over. Nice. But let’s face it, even the best airline flight starts out with a strip search by the TSA so what does it matter anyways? The best bet is to stay on terra firma and remember to send the love!

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