Friday, September 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Syrian President Bashar Assad says he wants the U.S. to pay them $1 Billion to clean up their chemical weapons. Which is a pretty good deal compared to our typical Middle East strategy of paying $1 Trillion to invade.

New York Giants cornerback Prince Amukamara says some people are calling him “the black Tim Tebow.” He claims to be a virgin, doesn’t drink and is very religious. The only real difference is that Amukamara actually has an NFL career.

A 54 year old Florida man was arrested for forcibly trying to exorcise the devil from his 80 year old girlfriend. Apparently he was just obsessing over the crush he still has on Linda Blair.

The Census Bureau says there is no sign of economic recovery for many people in the U.S. Especially the ones whose only job they have had in the past five years was as a Census worker.

Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey was caught griping about being “stuck” with his $172,000 a year congressional salary. Apparently it costs a lot of money to pay for the hobbies and activities necessary to use up all that time off from work.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he will seek authorization to invade Iran. Apparently it would be easy to just have the troops left over in Iraq and Afghanistan to meet with the troops he wants to send to Syria and they can all just ride over together.

A poll says that 57% of Americans believe in Satan. Mostly people who still watch “The Apprentice.”

An obese 2 year old in Saudi Arabia has become the youngest person to ever undergo weight loss surgery. His family has already declared  jihad against Sara Lee.

An obese 2 year old in Saudi Arabia has become the youngest person to ever undergo weight loss surgery. When he woke up after the procedure, his family told him he is now thin thanks to the “Fat Fairy”.

Google has started a company whose mission is to find out how to solve death. Apparently the first thing they are going to work on is AOL.

A municipal judge in New Jersey has resigned after the state Supreme Court told him he couldn’t moonlight as a comedian. Apparently they ruled if he wants to be on the bench and do comedy at the same time he should apply for the U.S. Supreme Court.

Popularity numbers for the media are up to 44% from an all-time low of 40% last year. Apparently they can’t help look better by comparison when they report on what is going on over in Congress.

The video game “Grand Theft Auto V” has raked in $800 Million on its first day of sales. The only problem is the kids playing the game have no idea how to write out the number 800,000,000.

The video game “Grand Theft Auto V” has raked in $800 Million on its first day of sales. Remember when the most anticipated event in home entertainment was the introduction of the fall network TV lineup?

The FBI says that Chicago has become the murder capital of the U.S. with more than 500 killings last year. At least we know where all the displaced people from Detroit have decided to relocate.

The FBI says that Chicago has become the murder capital of the U.S. with more than 500 killings last year. It’s getting so bad that the biggest traffic problem in the city is from people stuck in line behind all the drive-by shooters.

A former manager at Halliburton has been charged with destroying evidence in the Gulf Oil Spill. It’s too bad the company wasn’t as concerned about getting rid of that 5 Million gallons of oil still floating around off the coast.

Hiroshi Yamauchi, who turned Nintendo into a video game powerhouse has died at age 85. He reportedly died after being hit by a barrel thrown down a ramp by a large gorilla.

Nielsen will add views of TV shows on mobile devices to its national ratings. Apparently no credit will be given for any shows that are watched only partially before the viewer crashes their car into a tree.

Nielsen will add views of TV shows on mobile devices to its national ratings. So far the most viewings on mobile devices are episodes of “Breaking Bad”, “Under the Dome” and pictures of Anthony Weiner.

A study says that Mars has too little methane to support life. Mostly because methane comes from cows, and without cows there will be no beef and without beef there can be no McDonald’s.

A study says that Mars has too little methane to support life. That, and the fact that there is no oxygen, no water and the average temperature is 80 degrees below zero.

J.P. Morgan has been fined $389 Million for duping credit card customers for excessive and unnecessary fees. Otherwise known as being a credit card company.

J.P. Morgan has been fined $389 Million for duping credit card customers for excessive and unnecessary fees. Who do they think they are, an airline?

J.P. Morgan has been fined $389 Million for duping credit card customers for excessive and unnecessary fees. That will teach them a lesson, because after paying the fine they will only walk away with about $1 Billion from the scam.

J.P. Morgan has been fined $389 Million for duping credit card customers for excessive and unnecessary fees. Apparently federal regulators feel that is enough of a penalty and they don’t need to charge them anything for completely destroying the world’s economy.

Home Depot will force 20,000 part time employees to shop for insurance in the public marketplace with the new health care reform. Which is different from their old employee health insurance policy which was that any medical problems can be fixed over on aisle 5 with some spackle and a putty knife.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a bill to make sports organizations like the NFL pay taxes. It would also hurt non-profit leagues like the NHL, PGA Tour and ATP Tennis. Sports fans were shocked. The NHL makes money?

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a bill to make sports organizations like the NFL pay taxes. Apparently the NFL claims they are non-profit because of all the money the rest of the league has to kick in to keep the Cleveland Browns afloat.

A study says that paying children to do their homework can backfire on parents. Especially when the kids use the money to pay the smarter kids in the class to do all their assignments.

A study says that magnets fail to relieve pain from arthritis. Researchers will now work to see how stuffing chicken feathers into a knapsack and walking through a graveyard at midnight on Friday the 13th works.

A Texas man has a rare disease where yeast produced by his stomach makes him drunk without drinking any alcohol. The man has been inundated with thousands of calls asking if he has a sister.

Two documentaries making the film festival circuit are examining the political careers of Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. The films were up for awards but didn’t win because there was no category for “Best Collection of Evidence”.

Joy Behar says she was briefly fired from “The View”. Fortunately, the other cohosts never quit talking long enough for Barbara Walters to be able to even say “You’re fired!”

Jay Z and Beyonce were named as the highest earning celebrity couple with $95 Million last year. The lowest earning celebrity couple is pretty much Kevin Federline and whoever he happens to be with.

A biopic of Tupac Shakur will begin filming in 2014. The word “filming” is used so as not to be confused with “shooting” which has a whole other meaning when making a movie about a deceased rapper.

Jon Gosselin says he is working as a waiter and living in seclusion. People were shocked at the news. He is qualified to wait tables?

The NFL is suing singer MIA for flipping off the camera during the Super Bowl halftime show in 2012, saying she tarnished the league’s “wholesomeness.” To which Ray Lewis, Aaron Hernandez and the entire Cincinnati Bengals are saying “We won’t be called to testify in this case, will we?”

The Arizona Diamondbacks are upset about the L.A. Dodgers celebrating in the Chase Field swimming pool after clinching a spot in the playoffs. The way the Dodgers have performed in their last few playoff appearances, they should have been confined to the wading pool.

The Arizona Diamondbacks are upset about the L.A. Dodgers celebrating in the Chase Field swimming pool after clinching a spot in the playoffs. Apparently the Dodgers would have waited until they got back to L.A., but they don’t have access any more to any of the pools at all the homes of former owner Frank McCourt.

A study says that the Earth will be able to host life for another 1.75 to 3.25 Billion years. To which Larry King is saying “Is that all?”

A study says that the Earth will be able to host life for another 1.75 to 3.25 Billion years. Which gives some people in L.A. who still have a subprime mortgage hope that they may have enough time to actually pay off their home.

A 100 year starship symposium is meeting this week in Houston to try to bring starship technology to reality in the next century. The only problem is the entire program is being spoken only in Klingon.

A poll says that Americans are divided in the role they want the government to play in their lives. Mostly because they all want the government to give them all kinds of benefits but are against paying any taxes for it.

The Postal Service says it may need an emergency rate hike to stave off a financial disaster. To which Congress is saying “Can’t you just be like us and pretend it doesn’t exist?”

Attorney General Eric Holder is ordering U.S. Attorneys to seek shorter sentences for pending drug cases. The only way they can escape prosecution altogether is to become a bank executive and cause a worldwide financial crisis.

House Republicans have voted to cut $40 Billion from the Food Stamp Program. Apparently they are against the government telling people what to eat, so their solution is to just not give them anything to eat at all.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers clinched the Western Division pennant last night. Which just prolongs the agony knowing they will probably blow the first series in the offseason. We could use a World Series title. It’s been 25 years, and I don’t like knowing what it’s like to be a Cubs fan any more. Enjoy the jokes, enjoy the weekend and make sure to always take some time to send the love!

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