Thursday, September 19, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says a contest could result in a marijuana company winning a commercial spot for the Super Bowl. It might not help the company itself, but could be a huge boost for Doritos, Dominos Pizza and Ben & Jerry’s which will run spots immediately after.

A report says a contest could result in a marijuana company winning a commercial spot for the Super Bowl. Is that a good idea for pot? Wouldn’t they be better off running a commercial for an event slow enough for stoners to follow, like the World Series?

Cher has ripped Miley Cyrus over her dancing, her song, and even her oral hygiene at the MTV VMA awards. There is only one kind of person who would notice that Cyrus was dancing, singing or brushing her teeth. Another woman.

A law says that Washington State lawmakers cannot be ticketed for speeding while the legislature is in session. The only way to get a law passed anymore is to have it benefit the people who get to vote on it.

A law says that Washington State lawmakers cannot be ticketed for speeding while the legislature is in session. If legislators drove like they did business, their cars would only be able to go in reverse.

A study says that cellphone related injuries are on the rise. Mostly for people who insist on taking phone calls in a crowded movie theater.

A study says that cellphone related injuries are on the rise. Mostly people who apply to become a personal assistant to Naomi Campbell.

Google is forming a company that’s goal will be to try to extend human life. There already is a way to extend human life. Get people to quit sitting in front of their computer all day looking up stuff on Google.

A maple syrup smell has been reported over parts of Manhattan, Queens and New Jersey. Which can only mean the mob is starting to move their hits from Italian restaurants to the Waffle House.

A maple syrup smell has been reported over parts of Manhattan, Queens and New Jersey. People weren’t complaining. They’re just happy any time they aren’t having to take a whiff of New Jersey.

The creator of Beanie Babies has paid a tax fine of $53 Million. No wonder Americans are in such bad shape financially. We don’t have a dime in our 401(k) accounts but managed to find more than $53 Million to buy a bunch of stuffed animals.

France is moving to ban child beauty pageants to stop the “hyper-sexualization” of minors. And to make sure that the French never have a chance at having their own version of “Honey Boo Boo”.

A South Korean man was shot to death by South Korean soldiers as he tried to swim to North Korea. And some people think the immigration policy in the U.S. can be strict.

A South Korean man was shot to death by South Korean soldiers as he tried to swim to North Korea. Apparently they figured he must never have been to North Korea before and they were just doing him a favor.

A judge has ruled that a Tennessee couple can name their 8 month old child “Messiah”. Mostly because at 8 months old and having no legal name he was starting to answer to “Hey, you!”

A judge has ruled that a Tennessee couple can name their 8 month old child “Messiah”. Apparently his parents were just opposed to using the traditional family name “Bubba”.

Irish anti-austerity protesters clashed with police in Dublin. Ironically, the one thing Ireland isn’t cutting funds on is their riot police squad.

The Chief of the Newspaper Association of America says she is optimistic about the industry’s future. Which probably means she hasn’t read her local newspaper in awhile.

The Chief of the Newspaper Association of America says she is optimistic about the industry’s future. Although she is getting a little tired of riding her bike five miles a day while having to porch 50 newspapers.

A report says that most Alaskans will get $900 in energy royalty checks this year. Which means those households will have a total yearly income of $900.

A report says that most Alaskans will get $900 in energy royalty checks this year. Which means they will be able to use it to pay for about three days of heating their homes. In the summer.

The CEO of Panera restaurants is taking a challenge to eat on $4.50 a day for a week. After which he hopes to use the experience to write a book and make a few million more dollars.

The CEO of Panera restaurants is taking a challenge to eat on $4.50 a day for a week. Ironically, that pretty much means that most his meals will be taken at a soup kitchen.

The SEC says that corporations must reveal the pay ration between their CEO and workers. To which most CEOs were saying “We pay the workers?”

A report says that 70% of workers haven’t been told how their health benefits will change under Obamacare. The other 30% are the ones who actually get some sort of health care benefits.

The average starting salary for a business school graduate is now up to $55,000. Which means that after expenses and taxes, that leaves $75 a year to use towards paying off their $100,000 tuition loan. 

Walgreens will move its workers to a private health insurance exchange where they will buy their own health insurance. Or as health benefits are known to Walgreens workers, “Aisle 3”.

A study says that brain scans show the functions that enable people to be socially successful also lead to financial ruin. Mostly people who have built up so many Facebook friends that they decided to buy stock in the company.

Boeing will end production on its C-17 cargo jets. Mostly because the plane has become obsolete because there is another plane that can be stuffed to an even higher capacity. A Southwest Airlines 737.

Blackberry plans to cut 40% of its staff following its new phone launch. Now there’s a company brimming with confidence over its new product line.

The child mortality rate in China has dropped 74% in the past 20 years. Mostly because those kids don’t have time to die now that they are working double shifts seven days a week at the Nike factory.

Starbucks is requesting that customers no longer bring guns into their stores. Apparently they are worried that someone might use a gun to stop a robbery in progress when they saw how much they were being charged for a large Mocha Latte.

A study says that children who are physically fit learn more effectively in school. Actually, it’s still just a theory but researchers will try to verify it just as soon as they find a student who is physically fit.

A test on a new Alzheimer’s Disease drug has been given a $33 Million federal grant. Now if researchers can only remember where they put that money.

A study says that some brains may be wired for chronic pain. Like the people who keep going to the theater and pay money to see the latest Adam Sandler film.

A study says that a sense of rhythm can be tied to a person’s literacy level. In other words, white men can’t read.

A report says the 2008 financial crisis increased the suicide rate in the U.S. and Europe.  Except in Ireland, where the people are saying “There was a financial crisis?”

Researchers say that artificial teeth that detect when a person eats, chews and speaks could affect people’s health habits. It’s too bad their real teeth couldn’t have been programmed to tell them to brush and floss once in awhile.

Researchers say that artificial teeth that detect when a person eats, chews and speaks could affect people’s health habits. Which is good, because anyone who needs all their teeth replaced probably needs to improve on their health habits in the first place.

The University of New Hampshire is offering cafeteria plates that have suggestions for healthy eating. If they really wanted to get their students to eat healthier, they could have started off by just making the plates smaller.

A medical article says that it is never too early for people to start using Botox. Apparently it was in response to Beverly Hills moms who are worried about their daughters developing binkey lines.

Actress Kerry Washington has been chosen by People magazine as the World’s Best Dressed Woman. The same issue designated Miley Cyrus as the World’s Most Undressed Woman.

NASCAR driver Danica Patrick will cohost the American Country Awards. The only concern is that she will drive herself to the show and be the last one to arrive.

Kate Moss will pose nude for Playboy Magazine’s 60th anniversary issue. 60 years is coincidentally the average age of men who still actually have a subscription to Playboy.

Kate Moss will pose nude for Playboy Magazine’s 60th anniversary issue. People doing the math quickly were surprised to realize that Hugh Hefner started the magazine when he was already 72.

Eminem’s former home in Detroit is up for auction at a minimum bid of $1. The house is described being on a narrow and wooded lot making it slim and shady.

Tesla says it will develop a self-driving car within the next three years that can take over 90” of the driving. Apparently the problem comes with the other 10% of the time when the car is distracted by making phone calls and texting.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says he has no plans to get into the news business. Who needs news when you can see what one billion people ate for breakfast and know what they think of their coworkers?

A “Star Wars” collection in California with 300,000 film related items has been certified as the largest in the world by Guinness. Apparently the collector has had the time and money to put into the project since he hasn’t been on a date since 1978.

NASA will pay volunteers $18,000 to lay in bed without getting up for a 70 day stretch. Otherwise known by teenagers as the perfect summer job.

NASA will pay volunteers $18,000 to lay in bed without getting up for a 70 day stretch. Don’t we already have that? It’s called unemployment insurance.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks to Benson for the suggestion to self publish my book. That is definitely an option I may take. Anyone who has ever tried to publish knows that trying to get into that industry is like dating a hot, bipolar woman. It looks like fun but leaves you wondering what you were ever thinking. Enjoy the jokes, and if you have a spare minute or two remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Self publishing... what a great idea! Wonder why I never thought of that...

As for the hot, bipolor woman, at least I know you aren't talking about me, lol!

Love you, Jim!