Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


New technology will make it possible to use a person’s pulse rate instead of a password. Which would make it hard for Dick Cheney having to wait at least 30 minutes to get a heart beat.

New technology will make it possible to use a person’s pulse rate instead of a password.  The only problem would be for AT&T customers whose heart rates triple after having five straight phone calls dropped.

Elton John says that Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen” and that Lady Gaga is in a “dangerous place.” If anyone knows how tough life can be for a fragile diva trying to make it in music, it’s Elton John.

Scientists say they have discovered the source if imagination in the human brain. It’s the part of the brain that apparently isn’t working for people who make the decision to become a scientist.

New phone apps can read the user’s blood alcohol level and dial for a cab if necessary. If the alcohol level is high enough, it also automatically dials booty calls.

A teacher in England gave birth to her child while in class. Apparently she wanted to make sure the father would be there during delivery.

A teacher in England gave birth to her child while in class. Apparently she was able to work it into the lesson plan and delivered during math class to demonstrate how to multiply.

Fast food restaurant owners are pleading for exemptions from health care reform that they say will force them to cut employees’ hours. Ironically, we wouldn’t need health care reform in the first place if Americans would quit eating so much junk food.

A poll says that 7 out of 10 voters are concerned with how the Affordable Care Act will affect their health care. Mostly because they are the 7 out of 10 Americans who have never been able to afford health care in the first place.

A Dutch health official says that sugar is “the most dangerous drug of the times.” If sugar were a treated as a drug, instead of giving a hair or urine sample for a drug test people would be asked to “get on the scale.”

A south Florida doctor used a new technique to re-grow a man’s missing finger he says was bitten off when he was trying to feed his horse. The doctor is now working on helping the man learn to differentiate between a horse and an alligator.

A south Florida doctor used a new technique to re-grow a man’s missing finger he says was bitten off when he was trying to feed his horse. The man was able to put the finger to use right away by extending it when the doctor gave him his bill.

A New Jersey program is able to track city employees who are using city owned vehicles. Apparently it has already prevented several workers from moonlighting to use official vehicles for dumping bodies into the Hudson River.

A study says the typical family is making less today than they were in 1989. Mostly because the typical family hasn’t been fully employed since 1989.

The CEO of AAA says that gas selling below $3 a gallon is gone forever. To which oil company executives were saying “Do we hear $4?....$5?...$6?...”

A report says the number of Americans without health coverage has dropped for the second straight year. Mostly because the number of people who die because they have no health care has gone up for the second straight year.

The Miss World contestant from Uzbekistan is rumored to be an impostor. Mostly because no one believes anyone from Uzbekistan could qualify to be in a beauty pageant.

The nation’s poverty rate is reportedly unchanged from last year at 15%. The other 85% aren’t considered poor, just hopelessly in debt.

The nation’s poverty rate is reportedly unchanged from last year at 15%. Apparently the only thing that has changed over the years is who is considered to be officially poor.

A new study warns the U.S. about long term debt problems. When you are already $16 Trillion in the red and looking to raise the debt ceiling, how much bigger of a problem can you possibly make?

A new study warns the U.S. about long term debt problems. Which would have been nice if the study had come out in say, 1974.

Air traffic controllers whose furloughs were lifted by Congress may be sent home again because of budget issues. Although the controllers were happy to be back at work since it gave them a chance to catch up on their sleep.

The Census Bureau says the median household income was stagnant last year at $51,000. Which for most people comes out to about $1,000 in wages and $50,000 in government benefits.

The U.S. is set to seize a Manhattan skyscraper that the government says is secretly run by Iran. It’s the largest case of the government seizing control of a building operated by a despot. To which Donald Trump is asking “They can do that?”

The U.S. is set to seize a Manhattan skyscraper that the government says is secretly run by Iran. The building will be sold for $500-700 million. Just as soon as the government can figure out how to remove the smell of goat.

A new app downloads the entire Constitution along with case law and analysis. Which really doesn’t mean much, especially when you see all the calls and texts you are making on your cellphone are being monitored by the NSA.

Penthouse magazine has filed for bankruptcy. The petition to the court starts out “I never actually believed this could happen to me...”

Penthouse magazine has filed for bankruptcy. The news took everyone under 40 by surprise. “What is Penthouse magazine?”

Eiji Toyoda, who built Toyota into an auto industry giant has died at 100. His funeral will be the one where the cars in the procession suddenly accelerate out of control by themselves to 80 mph.

A report says most of the solar power systems on houses in California are not owned by the homeowners. Mostly because since 2008 most of the homes in California have been inhabited by squatters.

A study says that working out could give pot smokers an extra high. Although for most pot smokers, a workout means getting up to go to the refrigerator to get out the leftover pizza.

Butterball is looking for its first male operators ever to work on its Turkey Talk help line. Apparently they are only taking applications from men named “Tom”.

A study says that a healthy lifestyle with diet and exercise may slow the aging process in a person’s cells. Or, the healthy lifestyle may just make it seem like life is taking longer.

A study says that asking just two questions can reveal which seniors are facing an impending decline. Those questions are “What is your name?” and “Where do you live?”

Actress Lily Collins has been ranked as the most dangerous celebrity to search on your computer. Especially when your wife sees who you are searching for on your computer.

Actress Lily Collins has been ranked as the most dangerous celebrity to search on your computer. While Miley Cyrus has been ranked as the most dangerous celebrity to search in person.

Britney Spears has signed a two year residency to perform at the Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. She will be working tables 5, 6 and 7 Thursday through Sunday and will perform all her hits as long as the gratuity is 20% or higher.

Leonardo DiCaprio may star as Woodrow Wilson in the upcoming film “Wilson”. The only problem is that most filmgoers may think that “Wilson” is the sequel to Tom Hanks’ “Cast Away.”

Leonardo DiCaprio may star as Woodrow Wilson in the upcoming film “Wilson”. Historians are baffled. Why are they making a movie about Woodrow Wilson when there has not yet been a definitive film about Franklin Pierce?

Ben Affleck says he is aware of the backlash of his playing Batman in an upcoming movie but that he can take it. Remember, this is the guy who also starred in “Reindeer Games”, “Surviving Christmas” and “Gigli”.

PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem says that the PGA is studying the issue of fans calling in rules violations they see on TV. Of course, an easier solution would be to try to get the tour players to actually open up a copy of the Rules of Golf once in awhile.

PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem says that the PGA is studying the issue of fans calling in rules violations they see on TV. One solution has already been nixed by the players. Apparently they thought it was too distracting to have a yellow flag thrown at them in the middle of their swing.

The NFL is nearly doubling the price of Super Bowl tickets this year to $2,600 for the best 9,000 seats. At least it will mean for the first time when fans complained of being robbed, it won’t be about bad calls on the field against their team.

Former Dodger pitcher Mike Marshall, now a doctor of kinesiology says he can help pitchers throw the ball up to 115 mph. The only problem is making it so the other team doesn’t notice the pitcher’s mound has been moved 50 feet closer to home plate.

Hong Kong Marathon officials are banning “selfies”, which caused a crash at the beginning of the race last year. Apparently they are telling people there will be plenty of opportunities to take pictures while they are in the ambulance on the way to the ER following the race.

The America’s Cup will reportedly be at its most high tech in the event’s 162 year history. How high tech can it be when the boats they are using don’t even have engines?

The America’s Cup will reportedly be at its most high tech in the event’s 162 year history. Apparently someone has come up with a smartphone app for a sextant.

Microsoft is rushing a fix to prevent attacks on Internet Explorer. Apparently the first thing people still using Internet Explorer need to do is upgrade from Windows 95.

A judge is urging Detroit and its creditors to avoid court and strike a deal. Apparently the judge feels anyone dumb enough to loan Detroit any money would probably just invest anything they got back in Facebook stock.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers can clinch the Western Division tonight against the Arizona Diamondbacks. The game will be televised nationally and I will be watching. If you root for the Dodgers, that can even take the place of sending the love!


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