Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Seattle Seahawks fans set a record for the loudest stadium ever last Sunday with 131.9 decibels. Mostly when fans saw the price of beer was $8 for a 12 ounce cup.

Seattle Seahawks fans set a record for the loudest stadium ever last Sunday with 131.9 decibels. That’s nearly as loud as a military jet taking off. The quietest stadium is usually Wrigley Field where the only sound ever heard is muffled sobbing.

A record 8.4% of Americans consider themselves in the lower class. The other 91.6% say with hard work and dedication they can someday work up to that level.

A record 8.4% of Americans consider themselves in the lower class. The rest feel their behavior is better than Donald Trump, Simon Cowell and Mel Gibson.

A report says the employment gap between the rich and poor is the widest on record. The sad part is that to be considered rich in the U.S. anymore means you even have a job.

A bank robber in Oregon was caught after he left the keys to the getaway car inside the bank. Or as the people in the bank’s mortgage department call someone who can’t figure out how to pull off a robbery, “Amateur!”

A bank robber in Oregon was caught after he left the keys to the getaway car inside the bank. Talk about a dumb criminal. The last place you are going to find any money in this economy is in a bank.

Former NSA and CIA Director Michael Hayden says there are advantages to the Chinese style of Internet that doesn’t allow anonymity. Although a billion Facebook members have shown that they will still make stupid and embarrassing posts even if everyone knows who they are.

Flight delays in China have led to airport brawls. No one even knew that JetBlue was offering service in Asia.

Flight delays in China have led to airport brawls. Some airlines have even been teaching their flight attendants Kung Fu. To which airlines in America are saying that is a great idea, especially when it comes to taking passengers’ last dollars for inflight fees.

President Obama is warning Congress to not imperil the U.S. economy. Apparently he is worried that going any further than $16 Trillion in the red could cause some problems down the road.

President Obama is warning Congress to not imperil the U.S. economy. In other words, he is telling them to just take off the rest of the year.

The world’s highest civilian airport has opened in China at an elevation of 14,000 feet. Which means that people can get their membership in the Mile High Club even before their plane takes off.

Pope Francis I says that a good Catholic meddles in politics. To which most people are thinking it would be a lot better if John Kerry, Joe Biden and Paul Ryan would stop meddling in politics.

California is set to raise their minimum wage to $10 an hour by 2016. Which means that people could start making ends meet if they can just get by living in their tent and dumpster diving for food for another three years.

A report says that Iowa has the lowest average credit card debt in the country. Mostly because all their business transactions involve payment with corn, livestock or poultry.

A homeless man in Boston turned in a backpack he found that contained $42,000 in cash. Apparently the backpack belonged to a grade school student who raked in the cash selling junk food and soda at his school that went to a healthy cafeteria diet.

A homeless man in Boston turned in a backpack he found that contained $42,000 in cash. Police are curious to know how someone dumb enough to leave a backpack full of cash was able to come up with $42,000 in the first place.

A report says the NSA has also been snooping on people’s banking and credit card transactions. Which in this economy must take about five minutes out of their day.

President Obama says he won’t negotiate on whether or not to raise the debt ceiling. Once you’ve pushed it to $16 Trillion it’s really hard for Congress to say they really mean it this time.

Chrysler says it could push for an IPO by the end of the month. The company is hoping the stock offering could entice investors to put up as much as $12.75.

Bank of America says it could survive a 21% drop in housing prices along with an unemployment rate of 11.7%. Which is pretty much what the banking industry already did by crashing the economy with their mortgage fraud and crooked investments.

 A report says the 400 richest Americans are worth a combined $2.02 Trillion, the highest amount ever. After that, people are pretty much happy if they have $2.02 in their pocket.

GM says it is working on an electric car with a 200 mile range. In an unrelated story, Chrysler says it is working on a car that eventually make it to 200 miles before falling apart.

A French panel is lashing out at Expedia, Priceline and other online travel sites for their booking power with hotel rooms. Apparently the French are upset that someone actually has the nerve to try to be even more arrogant and rude than the French.

The Olive Garden restaurants are introducing smaller portion meals for Millennials who are watching their waistlines. Apparently they are in competition with the Red Lobster where younger people lose weight because they can’t stomach more than a few bites.

A Chinese hospital is being criticized for requesting blood from healthy female virgins for research. If it’s anything like the U.S., it has to be a pediatric hospital.

A Chinese hospital is being criticized for requesting blood from healthy female virgins for research. Who is the chief medical officer there, Dracula?

A study says that U.S. teens are eating better and watching less TV. Apparently they want to see what it is like to have a chance to actually live all the way to age 30.

A study says that bullied kids may start to exhibit psychosomatic symptoms like headaches and stomach aches. At which point their parents are advised to tell them to “Quit being a baby and get your lazy behind out of bed and back to school, loser!”

A study says that bullied kids may start to exhibit psychosomatic symptoms like headaches and stomach aches. Or they could be feeling bad from not eating any meals at school after having to hand over their lunch money every day.

Michelle Obama is pushing water as the best energy drink. If that’s true, when is the last time you saw anyone dumping water on the winning coach’s head?

The U.S. has been ranked 11th for the number of plague cases worldwide. Hopefully that will end when Obamacare makes health insurance available to all those Druids still running around who just don’t take care of themselves like they should.

The U.S. has been ranked 11th for the number of plague cases worldwide. It’s a good time to switch your HMO when you see them hauling off a horse drawn cart full of bodies that need to be burned.

A report says that one in ten high school seniors say they take part in extreme binge drinking. The other nine were too hung over to take part in the survey.

A report says that one in ten high school seniors say they take part in extreme binge drinking. Otherwise known as college prep.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is becoming a health and parenting icon. The woman who became famous for hard partying and is now an unwed mother? In other words, she is now crossing over into unreality TV.

ABC’s George Stephanopoulos lost a planned interview with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad when it was cancelled by Assad’s media handlers. Political experts were shocked. Assad has a team that advises him on his media image?

ABC’s George Stephanopoulos lost a planned interview with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad when it was cancelled by Assad’s media handlers. Apparently he was able to get the media advisers who have been out of work since their last clients Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden no longer need their services.

Miley Cyrus and her fiancee Liam Hemsworth have reportedly broken up. Apparently he was upset that he bought her lots of nice clothes and she just keeps showing up everywhere naked.

The frontman for the metal band As I Lay Dying has been arrested for hiring a hit man to kill his estranged wife. As no one has heard of the group, he would have been better off finding a hit man to write him some songs.

Bill Gates is still the richest person in the world, although most of his money now does not come from Microsoft. Which if you have checked out Microsoft stock lately is probably why is still the richest person in the world. 

Bill Gates is still the richest person in the world, although most of his money now does not come from Microsoft. Mostly because he was smart enough not to invest any of that money into Facebook stock.

A web site called Prediction Machine has used algorithms to predict what Johnny Manziel’s numbers would be in the NFL. Apparently the computer program says he could sign as many as 10,000 autographs for an estimated $475,000.

A study says the main emotion brought about through the Internet is anger. Especially people who are still paying $20 a month to sit and wait for something to download on AOL.

A study says the main emotion brought about through the Internet is anger. Apparently their research took them to a popular page that features several very irate birds.

A study says the main emotion brought about through the Internet is anger. Especially people who didn’t get any Facebook “likes” on their post of the picture of what they were eating for breakfast.

Iran is contemplating using a Persian cat for their next space launch. Mostly because they figure it will use up at least three of its nine lives just getting off the launch pad.

Iran is contemplating using a Persian cat for their next space launch. The only question is how to make it sit still while they try to get the magic carpet to actually fly.

A town dating back more than 2,000 years has been discovered on the Sea of Galilee. Otherwise known as pretty much every town in the Middle East.

Iranians have just gotten access to Facebook and Twitter accounts. Which means get ready for a ton of pictures from someone named Abdul of the pita bread he was eating for lunch.

Iranians have just gotten access to Facebook and Twitter accounts. Which means we’ll soon find out how many times “Death to the infidels!” can be written using no more than 140 characters.

Former NSA Director Michael Hayden says that GMail is preferred by terrorists. Apparently someone has been getting annoyed by all the spam he is receiving in his GMail account.

Three quarters of Americans say they don’t expect to inherit any money because of the recession. Mostly kids whose parents have gone broke over the past four years paying for their college tuition.

Three quarters of Americans say they don’t expect to inherit any money because of the recession. Especially the ones whose parents tried to get back some of the money they lost in the economic crash by sending money to a Nigerian prince.

A poll says that the favorite age of Americans is 50. Apparently the poll did not include anyone under 50.

A poll says that the favorite age of Americans is 50. Mostly because after that they don’t have to ever work again. Even if they want and need a job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I know a lot of you are out there reading this, so I thought I would ask something from you. I have written a book about the TV business which interestingly enough has a humorous edge to it. If any of you out there have a connection to the publishing industry, I would appreciate any help I can get. It’s tough to get someone’s attention in that business so I am using any approach I can think of at this point. Just e-mail me at jimbarach@hotmail.com if you can help out the process. Or, of course if you ever just want to send the love!

2 comments:

Catherine Bostic said...

Still waiting for my copy...

benson said...

Might need to self publish. Ken Levine (the comdedy writer-broadcaster) has done that, and appears to have had some success with it.