Sunday, September 15, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A San Francisco man was arrested after attacking a patron in a library with a chair. Ironically, the judge is expected to throw the book at him.

Smugglers were busted trying to bring a ton of marijuana onshore on a California beach. With the new legalization, smuggling pot into California is like trying to bootleg ice into Alaska.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says spying is “the nature of our society.” Of course, finding out information about others is why most people use Google in the first place.

Disney has developed a microphone that can relay a message into someone’s head through the touch of a finger. The only problem is explaining why you are putting your finger into the other person’s ear.

Disney has developed a microphone that can relay a message into someone’s head through the touch of a finger. Apparently they figured out how to get inside a person’s head ever since they introduced the song “It’s A Small World”.

A report says that Social Security overpaid $1.3 Billion in disability benefits from 2010 through 2013. Social Security was immediately praised for wasting less money than any other government department during that time.

Pet cemeteries in New York will now allow people to be buried next to their pets. Which will serve as an eternal reminder to people of the mistake they made of raising the pit bull that killed them.

A previously undiscovered painting by Vincent van Gogh has surfaced. It’s a painting of the landscape near Arles in the south of France. To which young people are asking why didn’t he just snap a photo with his iPhone?

Mexican riot police fired tear gas and water cannons at striking teachers. The action didn’t faze the teachers who say it was still less dangerous than being in the classroom with their students.

The Scooter Store has shut down after a government probe questioned its advertising and billing practices. It was easy to find. It was the only store with parking spaces that were two feet across.

Britain and France are hailing the proposed Syrian disarmament plan. Apparently the only disarmament plan that works any faster is asking the French military to fight.

President Obama is going to give a speech about the financial crisis. At this point, do we really need to be reminded about how broke we all are?

People are making over DeLoreans to look like the one used in the movie “Back to the Future”. Which would only make sense to most people if the car could actually take them back to 1985.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says if it weren’t for fast action by firefighters, they could have lost the entire boardwalk area that caught fire last week. Or as fires are called in New Jersey, “urban renewal.”

A systems outage delayed a third of all JetBlue flights up to 90 minutes last Friday. Which threw off most the passengers who were expecting the usual three hour delay that happens on all other JetBlue flights.

Men’s Wearhouse says that sales are down in 2013 mostly because people think it’s bad luck to get married in a year ending with “13”. Not to mention that it is also bad luck to get married without a job, home or car.

A restaurant boom is boding bad news for the South Korean economy as there is too much competition for many restaurants to stay in business. The only places that have found business doing better are the local area dog pounds.

Pay was delayed for 40,000 federal workers because of problems at payroll processing centers. To which everyone in the public sector said, “Now you know how it feels to wait for the government!”

A mobile app for Raiders fans has been downloaded more than 100,000 times in the first month. The app comes with team standings, directions to the stadium and the phone numbers for the nearest bail bonds company.

A report says that graduate students have the biggest share of all outstanding student debt. Mostly because the vast majority of students ran out of money and gave up long before they got even close to finishing their undergraduate degrees.

United Airlines says it will honor the tickets they accidentally sold for $0-10 online. Mostly because those are the only people who they will ever have a chance of thinking they got their money’s worth and become a repeat customer.

Sunday was the five year anniversary of the Wall Street meltdown. Which is equal to about one fourth of the prison sentence that the people who caused it were never given.

The NFL’s two most expensive regular season games took place over the weekend, the 49ers and Seahawks and the Giants and Broncos, with an average ticket price of $550. Which means there is even more of an NFL concussion problem when men come home and tell their wives they spent $1,000 to take a friend to the game.

A study says that 71% of all cyber attacks are against small businesses. Mostly from viruses that attack the computer when their employees log on to all the porn sites they watch while at work.

A study says that older age for many people means fewer hangovers. Mostly because once you reach a certain age you just don’t stop drinking long enough to be hung over.

The World Maker Faire in New York is celebrating all things made by hand. What they don’t point out is that nothing has been made by hand since people were still using the word “faire”.

Scientists say that genes have been discovered that determine if people are right or left handed. Although people find they need to be ambidextrous to be able to hold both hands up in the air when they take an airline flight and are forced to hand over all their cash for in-flight fees.

A study says that informed patients can help stop the overuse of antibiotics. What stops the overuse of antibiotics even more is people losing their health insurance and not being able to afford prescription drugs anymore.

A study says that informed patients can help stop the overuse of antibiotics. Of course, if we had informed patients we wouldn’t be in the present health care crisis in the first place.

The FDA has approved an implant for men with an enlarged prostate. Otherwise known as their doctor’s finger.

A study says that smart kids who are early bloomers are more likely to start drinking earlier and become heavy drinkers. In fact, “prodigy” is apparently taken from the Greek word for “wino”.

A study says that a sleep apnea treatment can actually make people suffering from the condition look better. Mostly because once they are cured they aren’t constantly being smacked in the middle of the night by their spouse to get them to stop snoring.

Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dina was arrested outside of New York City for DUI. People were shocked. Who drives their own car in New York City?

Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dina was arrested outside of New York City for DUI. Which explains who was responsible for teaching Lindsay how to drive.

“Law and Order SVU” says they “have a responsibility” to take on the Anthony Weiner story. Mostly as a test for their actors to see if they can shoot a whole episode about Weiner without the entire cast breaking out laughing on every take.

Katie Couric is rumored to be taking over for Barbara Walters on “The View”. Apparently they want to see if Couric can outdo Walters for the number of years hanging on past their prime.

Ray Dolby, the inventor of the movie sound system has died at 80. Unfortunately, his noise reduction system for movie theaters became completely obsolete the day the first cellphone was sold.

Kanye West will be charged with misdemeanor battery and grand theft for his attack on a photographer at LAX. He could face the same charges for every CD he has sold for battery on people’s ears and grand theft for charging to hear his music.

Kanye West will be charged with misdemeanor battery and grand theft for his attack on a photographer at LAX. That makes it official. He is now a full fledged member of the Kardashian family.

Pippa Middleton says that boxing classes gave her discipline, self control and motivation. To which the Royal Family is asking her if she can get Prince Harry to sign up.

Pippa Middleton says that boxing classes gave her discipline, self control and motivation. Although all she needs to get through life easily is to wear that same dress she wore at William and Kate’s wedding.

Lamar Odom has been charged with DUI in Los Angeles. Apparently he doesn’t want to be outdone by future brother-in-law Kanye West.

Julie Chen says she expected online “haters” to say mean things about her surgery to change her “Asian eyes”. To which most people say they don’t care about her eyes. They just hate “Big Brother” and “The Talk”.

Donald Trump slammed Miss Kansas Theresa Vail’s tattoos, saying she will regret getting them some day. The real question is when will Trump come out and apologize for keeping that same haircut for 30 years?

Tiger Woods says he did not deserve a two stroke penalty for a moving ball violation in the BMW golf tournament last week. He says the ball just oscillated. Sort of like how he kept oscillating between Elin and his 15 mistresses.

Tim Tebow has reportedly been offered $1 Million to play football in Russia. Which means throwing touchdown passes to an always wide open wide receiver, Vladimir Putin.

The blobfish was voted as the world’s ugliest animal in a recent competition. Apparently the fish barely beat out the proboscis monkey, Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump.

The cassette tape has turned 50 years old. Which is exactly the same age as the youngest person who even knows what a cassette tape is.

Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into and watch all the football games that actually matter.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers magic number is now down to four. I believe that is the number of teams the Dodgers still have a chance at beating after getting crushed 19-3. At least we should be in the playoffs this year. It’s been 25 years since the Dodgers won the World Series. Even the Cubs are starting to ask what’s wrong. I will stay with my team forever, just like I hope that you will always stay with this blog. Just remember to take a few minutes once in awhile to send the love!

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