Friday, September 13, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Undercover police will be wearing opposing team’s jerseys at some NFL games to weed out unruly fans. The ones wearing another team’s gear to a Raiders game will officially be considered on a suicide mission.

Unemployment in Greece is up to 27.9%. Which finally answers the question “What’s a Grecian Urn?” Apparently not much any more.

The Census Bureau says that 96% of households below the poverty level have a TV set, with 58% owning a computer. Mostly because they became poor after watching Jim Cramer on TV for investment advice and buying the stocks online.

Pope Francis I is reaching out to agnostics and atheists, saying that God will forgive them as long as they live morally and according to their conscience. But mainly if they still tithe the Church. 

A ten year old Tennessee girl was told she couldn’t write about God as her idol and instead was allowed to make the report about Michael Jackson. Mostly because Jackson is the next best subject since his wrongful death trial is lasting an eternity.

A ten year old Tennessee girl was told she couldn’t write about God as her idol and instead was allowed to make the report about Michael Jackson. Apparently she chose Jackson because she wanted a religious influence, and what better subject than someone who was always guzzling the Jesus Juice?

A van carrying clowns was in an accident in Pennsylvania. Fortunately, only two people were on board and they weren’t driving their Mini Cooper which seats 23.

A poll says that 57% of Americans oppose a tax on the Internet. Apparently they are going back to the slogan of the American Revolution, “No taxation of porn without representation!”

A poll says that 57% of Americans oppose a tax on the Internet. The other 43% are the usual group that automatically opposes taxes on anything.

A poll says that 57% of Americans oppose a tax on the Internet. The other 43% subscribe to AOL and figure they really can’t be considered Internet users.

A Senate panel has approved a measure that defines a journalist. Mostly because in Washington, D.C. no one has actually seen a real “journalist” in 30 years.

A Senate panel has approved a measure that defines a journalist. As soon as they figure it out, they will send it over to Fox News so they will also know.

A Senate panel has approved a measure that defines a journalist. Mostly because it is so hard to tell one without their makeup on.

House GOP members are threatening to cancel their scheduled week off in September because of the upcoming spending bill. Of course, they would have just taken care of it in August except that they were off for the entire month.

A report says that more Americans are exercising at work. Mostly because it is now considered a physical task to bend over and kiss the boss’s backside.

A report says that more Americans are exercising at work. Mostly running from desk to desk now that they are expected to do the work of three other employees who were laid off.

Egypt has extended their state of emergency for two months. The state of emergency has been in effect since 2932 B.C.

New FBI Chief James Comey says his first job will be to fight budget cuts. Once they get that figured out, when they get some time they will try to catch some of those criminals who are still out there.

A molasses spill has killed thousands of fish in Hawaii. Now all they need is for BP to cause an oil spill and fire and there will be one delicious fish fry.

A molasses spill has killed thousands of fish in Hawaii. Environmentalists were shocked. How did molasses get into Hawaii?

House Speaker John Boehner is seeking help from Democrats to avoid a government shutdown. That’s like a bank robber complaining to the police that his hostages won’t do what he is telling them.

Congress’ approval ratings are up to 19%. How bad is it when you are celebrating the fact that only four out of five people now hate you?

Congress’ approval ratings are up to 19%. It’s too bad the people who dislike them so much don’t have the power to somehow have their voice heard and be able to pick someone else to do their job.

Congress’ approval ratings are up to 19%.The good news is that 81% of Americans at least have some idea of what is going on.

Eliot Spitzer reportedly spent $10 Million on his failed political comeback. He must have been serious. That money would have covered more than a year’s worth of payments for high class hookers.

Kmart is being criticized for an early ad for their holiday lay away plan. What’s even worse is that the ad is for Christmas 2017.

The Treasury Department says the U.S. budget deficit shrank 35% from last year. Mostly because we started 35% fewer wars in that time.

Porsche turns 50 this week. Which is still 20 years younger than the average age of the typical Turbo Carrera owner.

A poll says that 64% of people think financial fraud is widespread in America. The other 32% don’t have home mortgages.

A poll says that 64% of people think financial fraud is widespread in America. No one knew that 64% of Americans still owned stocks, bonds or bank accounts.

A poll says that 64% of people think financial fraud is widespread in America. The other 32% think it’s pretty much just confined to one small area called Wall Street.

A report says that fewer homes are entering foreclosure. Mostly because the only ones that haven’t are the ones that people somehow were able to pay off before the mortgage crisis.

Wal-Mart has announced a phase out of hazardous chemicals found in some makeup to promote safer cosmetics. The only question is what women are going to buy makeup that makes them look like a Wal-Mart shopper?

Carnival Cruise Lines is offering a 110% money back guarantee for dissatisfied customers. Not only that. they will let passengers keep the life preservers they use to help them swim back to shore.

Several designers taking part in Fashion Week in New York say 100% of their clothes are made in the U.S. Mostly because other countries don’t make garments in size extra extra large.

United Airlines accidentally posted fares for some flights at $0 to $10. Fortunately for the airline no one bought any because to fly on United that is still overpriced.

United Airlines accidentally posted fares for some flights at $0 to $10. Which when combined with the airline fees for luggage and amenities would still bring the total of a domestic flight to around $3,000.

California is poised to raise the state’s minimum wage to $10 an hour. Unless you are planning on buying a house and raising a family, in which cast the minimum wage is $200,000 a year.

J.K. Rowling will write a script for a new Harry Potter movie. Apparently she wants to keep the franchise going to finance her next project. Buying Europe.

House Republicans are seeking $40 Billion in cuts to food aid programs. The same Republicans are opposed to legislating against unhealthy foods. Why bother with laws about fatty foods when you can just make sure no one gets anything to eat at all?

An online dating site called Twine allows no pictures to be posted. Which to men is the Internet equivalent of setting up someone blind date with a woman who has a “great personality”.

Scientists say that lobsters have the enzyme telomerase which makes them “biologically immortal” as getting older doesn’t increase their chances of dying. Of course, their immortality comes to an end when they can hear the water boiling and smell the butter melting.

A study says that depression is worsened when it is accompanied by anger. Which you can prove by just asking any Cubs fan about Steve Bartman.

Prince William will be quitting the military to focus more on his Royal duties. Ironically, the only job that requires less work than being in the British military is being a part of the Royal Family.

Prince William will be quitting the military to focus more on his Royal duties. Or at least to figure out what they actually are.

Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring from Kris Humphries is reportedly being auctioned off. The good thing is that it was barely on Kardashian’s finger two months which means the woman who wears it next won’t even be able to tell it’s not brand new.

Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring from Kris Humphries is reportedly being auctioned off. At least Kanye West was smart. He bought her a ring made out of aluminum so it can eventually be recycled.

Graceland was recently voted the best iconic American attraction. After all, The Statue of Liberty is just a hunk of metal, Disneyland is a bunch of carnival rides and the Grand Canyon is pretty much just a big hole in the ground.

Graceland was recently voted the best iconic American attraction. Mostly by people who think it’s great Elvis, unlike his fans got to live in house that doesn’t have wheels.

Julie Chen says she had eye surgery to correct her “Asian eyes” to help her career. Although she found out cosmetics aren’t everything, and found the best way to advance her career was to marry a network CEO.

A report says the Lakers don’t believe they can get LeBron James to switch to their team. Mostly because it would be impossible to find three other players willing to get on the same court alongside LeBron and Kobe.

Lance Armstrong has reportedly returned the Bronze medal he won in the 2000 Olympic Games in Australia. It was only fitting, though for someone to win a Bronze who as as much brass.

Mt. McKinley in Alaska, also known as Denali is reportedly 83 feet shorter than previously thought. Which gives even more credence to the theory about cold weather and shrinkage.

Twitter has filed an IPO, with some experts saying the company could be worth $10 Billion. Although company officials were hoping for a value more along the lines of one followed by 139 zeros.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, today is Friday the 13th. That means it could be unlucky for anyone who doesn’t make sure to take the time to send the love!


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