Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A Montana newlywed is being accused of pushing her husband to his death off a cliff. That would make it the second time in a week he took the plunge.

A Montana newlywed is being accused of pushing her husband to his death off a cliff. It was sad in that his friends and family said he really fell for her.

The number of billionaires in the world has topped the 2,000 mark. The sad part is they all live in unfurnished homes in Silicon Valley, drive a Prius and spend their nights online playing “World of Warcraft”.

The AFL-CIO is opening its doors to non-union groups. Mostly because those are the only ones who still have jobs and can pay membership dues.

A study says the U.S. could default on its debt as early as October 18th. The worst part is that it is October 18, 1982.

A study says the U.S. could default on its debt as early as October 18th. Apparently now that we have crossed that dangerous $16 Trillion mark, things are getting a little shaky.

New devices can turn smartphones into stun guns, pepper sprayers and other weapons. Although the most dangerous use for a smartphone is still putting it into the hands of Naomi Campbell.

China is still pushing for control of the Internet, threatening to jail anyone found guilty of using social media for spreading rumors or provoking unrest. Or as we call that in the U.S., being on Facebook.

French Police responding to a report of screaming came upon an exorcism being performed. Police figured the frightened screams either meant there was a crime in progress or it was a French Army training exercise.

A new GED test that will be offered in 2014 is expected to be tougher than the old test. High school dropouts like getting their GED because it gives them a better chance at being hired for the minimum wage jobs they are competing for with all the college graduates.

An Italian priest has given Pope Francis I a 20 year old Renault for driving around town. The priest says the car comfortably seats four and has enough trunk space to easily hide three altar boys.

The U.S. News and World Report college rankings are out, with Princeton ranked first and Harvard second. Which means the U.S. News and World Report staff is made up of mostly Princeton and Harvard grads.

The U.S. News and World Report college rankings are out, with Princeton ranked first and Harvard second. The only people who ever read the list are parents of high school kids who pray their kids don’t get accepted into any of the colleges because they know it will take decades to pay off the tuition loans.

The federal government is investigating the electric Ford Focus which reportedly stalls without warning. As opposed to Chryslers which always give a warning when they are about to stall. It’s called turning on the ignition.

An Ohio man is suing Apple for fraud because iTunes didn’t give him access to all the episodes of the current season of “Breaking Bad”. The cost of the season is $22.99. If he wants to sue Apple for fraud, how about for charging $500 for an iPad?

A New York judge says that strip club dancers should be paid minimum wage. Preferably in singles.

A New York judge says that strip club dancers should be paid minimum wage. Apparently the judge will have to explain to his wife why he ruled for strippers while fast food workers are still walking off the job to get the same money.

The richest 1% of Americans brought home 19.3% of the country’s household income last year, the most since 1928. Mostly because they own the companies that are paying the other 99% in 1928 wages.

A fraud group says that payroll fraud accounts for 27% of all business theft. Or as most people refer to payroll fraud, “payday”.

Sheryl Crow is set to release her first country album. Apparently her relationship with Lance Armstrong, a divorced Texan who rides a bicycle gave her material that just wouldn’t fit any other format.

A new device projects GPS information on the car’s windshield. Which gives the driver a close up Google Earth Map view of the tree they are about to run into because they can’t see out the window.

Mercedes Benz says it will develop a self driving car this decade. Which for what it costs to buy a Mercedes should also be able to shine your shoes, give a massage and provide aromatherapy.

A study says that eating breakfast can make some people gain weight. Especially when breakfast starts when they wake up and ends just in time for lunch.

A study says that graphic ads have motivated thousands of smokers to quit. That and with the price of cigarettes in this economy, most people are instead choosing to have food and a place to live instead.

An L.A. woman is suing a hospital for drawing a mustache and putting stickers on her face during surgery. Which apparently would have only been appropriate if the surgery was for sex reassignment.

A survey says that marijuana use is up with teenagers and people over 50. The god news is that Baby Boomers and their grandchildren have finally found a common bonding factor.

Consumer Reports says that artificial hips and knees need a lemon law like they have with cars. The ironic part is when someone needs artificial joints because they were hit by a runaway Toyota.

A study says that drinking during the early part of pregnancy causes no complications. Of course, it wouldn’t be an issue at all except for the drinking that caused the pregnancy in the first place.

A survey says that fewer than half of all doctors say they would choose a career in medicine again. There’s dealing with the pain, the agony, the crying. And that’s just when patients are given their bills.

The rice diet pioneered at Duke University is being ended after 70 years. Apparently researchers looked around at the general shape of Americans and said “Why bother?”

A study says that one in ten patients in the ICU are getting futile care. Or as most people know futile care as, belonging to an HMO.

The FDA says it will alter warnings on bottles of painkillers because of widespread abuse. Like how all those warnings on cigarette cartons managed to completely do away with smoking.

Country singer Ricky Skaggs says he was a redneck long before “Duck Dynasty”. And this is news to whom?

Celine Dion says that her new song comes with an edge. Kind of like the edge of a fingernail being scraped across a chalkboard.

Sharon Osbourne says she had a brief fling with Jay Leno back in 1978. Thanks, Sharon for putting that image in our heads.

Sharon Osbourne says she had a brief fling with Jay Leno back in 1978. Apparently the breakup was rough. Jay really took it on the chin.

Sharon Osbourne says she had a brief fling with Jay Leno back in 1978. Apparently they had to break up because she couldn’t understand a thing he said unless he had a mouth full of mush.

Eddie Murphy is releasing a new album. At first people were scared to death it was going to have something to do with a “Norbit” musical.

Eddie Murphy is releasing a new album. Apparently he was waiting for a follow up until his last album from 1993 sold at least a hundred copies.

Eddie Murphy is releasing a new album. Mostly because his fans from 1983 are the only people who even know what an album is anymore.

The Yankees are going to pay a record $29.1 Million luxury tax this year. A luxury is something expensive but inessential. Like the $25 Million a year they are already paying to have A-Rod suit up.

Nike has been added to the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Apparently it’s a move to attract younger investors, like the six year olds who make up Nike’s work force.

A poll says that 60% of Americans are against military action in Syria. The other 40% think Syria is the woman who they can ask questions to on their iPhone.

A poll says that Americans are worried that military action in Syria will pull us further into their civil war. Now, where besides Afghanistan, Iraq and Vietnam could they possibly have gotten that idea?

The U.S. has eased sanctions against Iran to allow good-will exchanges with the country. In other words, the crisis in Syria has pushed us to be closer to Iran. Isn’t this pretty much straight out of Revelations?

Toyota has recalled more than 1 Million vehicles this week. Executives at Chrysler were shocked. How do you manage to get people to buy a million cars?

Britain is proposing making their money out of polymer. Which means that anyone going to a currency exchange will be asked “paper or plastic?”

Former “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch says his visits to a sperm bank resulted in his fathering as many as 200 children. Which means he will be placed on the ballot this year for the NBA Hall of Fame.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad you enjoy the jokes, or at least pretend to by not sending in nasty comments. Although I really would like to hear from you in the comments section or you can e-mail me any time at jimbarach@hotmail.com. You can say whatever you want, but just remember to always send the love!

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