Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Printing problems at the U.S. are delaying the release of the new $100 bill. The mistake could cost taxpayers $4 Million. Most people would be happier if they just gave out one of the old $100 bills to 40,000 people who could use the cash.

Printing problems at the U.S. are delaying the release of the new $100 bill. You would think the one thing the Treasury could do right is print money.

Printing problems at the U.S. are delaying the release of the new $100 bill. The mistake increased the cost of printing each bill to 12.6 cents apiece. Which is exactly what the new $100 bill is worth compared to about 30 years ago.

George Zimmerman was questioned by police after reportedly threatening his wife and father-in-law with a gun. It shows that Zimmerman isn’t a racist, he just likes to shoot people.

A 107 year old Arkansas man was killed by police in a shootout. Apparently the man took a shot at the police but was gunned down while he was trying to reload his musket.

A man dressed as Batman saved a cat from a burning house in West Virginia. Apparently there isn’t anything Michael Keaton won’t do to try to win back the role for an upcoming Batman film.

Two men dressed as Batman and Captain America saved a cat from a burning house in West Virginia. It wasn’t like they had anything else to do, like have dates.

Gay inmates in California are now being allowed to marry. As opposed to what spouses are currently called in prison, “cellmates”.

The CDC says alcohol abuse visits to emergency rooms have gone up 38% in the past few years. Mostly from men who were kicked out of the bars at closing time and are drunk enough to think they have a chance with the ER nurses.

A bill would cut funds for official portraits in Washington, D.C. Why do members of Congress and other government leaders need their portrait painted when they can just as easily use their mug shots?

An entire Swedish town sitting on a mine is set to move to a new location two miles away. People in the U.S. were hoping for a similar solution that would relocate Newark, New Jersey into the Hackensack River.

Shell Oil is opening compensation talks over a 2008 oil spill in Nigeria. Officials at BP are following the case closely. They want to know how much money Shell is going to ask from Nigeria for just giving them all that oil.

The federal deficit was up 25% in August. Just think how much higher it would have been if Congress hadn’t been off that entire month and was able to spend like usual.

An Iowa law raises questions about giving gun permits to blind people. Most people are OK with it as long as they keep the weapons in their glove compartment while they are driving.

An Iowa law raises questions about giving gun permits to blind people. The really scary part is that these are the same people we let pick the frontrunners for every presidential election.

A poll says the new American Dream is to be debt free. Which is possible by just reversing the old American Dream of going to college, buying a house and raising a family.

A poll says the new American Dream is to be debt free. Which is pretty much why it is called a “dream”.

A new invention targets germs on planes. The airlines are helping by having flight attendants relieve passengers of all that dirty paper money they bring on board with them.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that 36% of men age 65-69 had jobs over the summer, a record. The only problem is that several were burned flipping burgers or were hurt when falling off their bicycle while delivering papers.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that 36% of men age 65-69 had jobs over the summer, a record. The other 64% were beaten out for those jobs at convenience stores and fast food restaurants by their college graduate children.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that 36% of men age 65-69 had jobs over the summer, a record. The worst part is that is pretty much all the Bureau of Labor Statistics can find to report about anymore.

A new company is offering luxury dorms on college campuses. Apparently it will give college graduates the feeling that at least they got something out of going in debt with their college tuition for the next 30 years.

Foreigners say that the U.S. is the third best place to live in the world, with Canada as the best followed by Australia. Which means the border fence we have been talking about for years is going to be built pretty soon to our north.

A government regulatory agency says that marijuana stock scams are on the rise. Which means people could see their investments literally go up in smoke.

A government regulatory agency says that marijuana stock scams are on the rise. Ironically, it won’t affect people who smoke pot since they are too stoned to think about investing any money even if they had any.

A study says that people in small companies will pay $113,000 more in fees over a 35 year span for their 401(k) accounts than people in large companies. Economists were shocked. People think they will be able to work for a company for 35 years?

A study says that people in small companies will pay $113,000 more in fees over a 35 year span for their 401(k) accounts than people in large companies. Which is really bad when you consider they are only saving $20,000 during that time.

Bank of America says it will cut 2,100 jobs due to lack of demand for loans when mortgage rates go up. Fewer home loans means the bank will have to cut the number of people they send out to do foreclosures every month.

A study says that 70% of all pregnancies in Washington, D.C. are unintended. No one even knew Kevin Federline had relocated to the nation’s capital.

The leader of the AFL-CIO says the Supreme Court has declared a war on democracy. Is he just reading about the 2000 presidential election now?

The leader of the AFL-CIO says the Supreme Court has declared a war on democracy. How can he even imagine saying that about nine people who are not elected and get to stay in power for life?

A report says that CPR in the hospital is not always good for the patient. Mostly because if you are in a hospital needing CPR you probably aren’t in the best shape to begin with.

A poll says that a majority of U.S. workers say that their job doesn’t require a college degree. What’s worse is that doesn’t even include the people who have graduated from McDonald’s Hamburger University.

A poll says that a majority of U.S. workers say that their job doesn’t require a college degree. While at the same time, people who have graduated college say their degree hasn’t gotten them a job.

Neiman Marcus has been sold for $6 Billion. It’s owners credit the quick sale on good positioning of the ad for the sale in the Neiman Marcus catalogue.

A study says that northern Europeans are the happiest people in the world. Mostly because they are upwind from southern Europe.

A study says that northern Europeans are the happiest people in the world. Three quick reasons are Elin Nordegren, Uma Thurman and Scarlett Johansson.

A study says that northern Europeans are the happiest people in the world. The U.S. came in 17th. Apparently the U.S. would have finished much higher if it weren’t for John McCain, Mel Gibson and Rosie O’Donnell.

A neuroscientist has designed a cap that lights up concerts using performers’ brain waves. Unfortunately, it resulted in a completely dark arena for a show with Miley Cyrus.

A study says that the diabetes epidemic is growing in China. The good news is that it’s a sign the U.S. has finally convinced them to give up on communism and be just like America.

A study says that men with smaller testicles are usually more involved as dads. Mostly because they can coach their kids’ Little League teams and not have to worry about ever getting hit in the nads.

A study says that men with smaller testicles are usually more involved as dads. Mostly because they realize they are lucky to even get the chance to have kids in the first place.

A report says that 5% of U.S. children are severely obese. The other 95% need to lose at least a few more pounds to qualify for that category.

Simon Cowell is defending his pregnant girlfriend from recent criticism. Of course, most the criticism is about the fact that she is involved with Simon Cowell.

Demi Lovato has been signed to write her autobiography. Apparently it’s working title is “You Must Have Me Confused With Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes”.

The L.A. KISS arena football team has offered Tim Tebow a job as quarterback. Apparently he will be able to live his dream as a pro quarterback in between working the hot dog stand and seating the ticket holders.

Amazon says it has no plan to give out free smartphones. Before that happens, CEO Jeff Bezos has got to figure out how to make people actually pay for copies of the Washington Post.

Wi-Fi allergies are becoming an issue for some people in Australia. Symptoms include nausea, disorientation and headaches. Which could either be caused by Wi-Fi signals or using Wi-Fi to look at Youtube videos of Justin Bieber.

Harvard and MIT are joining in on researching artificial intelligence. Or as they refer to it at Harvard and MIT, people who are accepted into Yale.

A study says that monitoring drivers’ brain waves could stop carjackings and DUIs. It could also bring an end to texting while driving as that is when the brain waves pretty much stop completely.

A study says that more than half the time spent on the Internet is done with people using mobile devices. Mostly men who know they would be kicked out of the house if their wife saw what they were looking at with their desk top computer.

A new camera by Ricoh can take a 360 degree picture in just one shot. Which means that everything possible must be done to keep it out of the hands of Anthony Wiener.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am from L.A. and was saddened to learn of the passing of car dealer and TV personality Cal Worthington yesterday. He is to blame for all the goofy car commercials you have ever seen in your life because he started them and brought them to an art form. He would always have his “dog” Spot with him which would be an alligator, gorilla, elephant or some other wild animal. They were incredibly dumb commercials, just stupid enough to help him sell more cars than anyone and make a ton of money. I think he singlehandedly funded most L.A. TV stations from 1958 through the 1990s. That allowed people like me to watch all the useless programming on the independent stations and develop a twisted sense of humor. RIP, Cal...we are all sending the love today!

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