Friday, August 09, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Fox News has announced its first prime time lineup change in ten years. Which is a major milestone for their viewers, right behind becoming a grand parent and retirement.

A report says that more U.S. couples are stopping after having one child. Mostly because they figure having to work to age 80 to pay for college for one is long enough.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell has taken out a mortgage on his home to pay back $150,000 of improper gifts he was given while in office. The only bad part is that the mortgage he took out was on the Governor’s Mansion.

A poll says that twice as many Democrats as Republicans say the American dream is dead. Mostly because the Republicans’ dream is to have the South secede from the nation again.

Richard Branson’s new airline, Little Red will feature on board comedy shows. Which are sometimes available on airlines in the U.S., depending on how much the flight crew has been drinking.

NOAA has trimmed its hurricane forecast for the current season. However, they are still sticking with their forecast that the Miami Marlins will finish in the National League cellar.

NOAA has trimmed its hurricane forecast for the current season. Although it’s tough to have a lot of confidence in a group that still has their 401K money still tied up in stock with Pets.com.

Paypal is testing walletless payments where people can buy things with face verification. Which for Joan Rivers still gives meaning to “pulling out the plastic.”

New Jersey is increasing the fine for people who drive in the left lane. But then who can blame people for wanting to be in the fast lane to get out of New Jersey as quickly as possible?

The NFL is planning a crackdown on excessive celebrations. To which the Cleveland Browns are saying that is the one rule they are hoping to have the chance to break someday.

A poll says that 59% of doctors wouldn’t encourage young people to get into medicine. Why become a doctor and get sued for trying to help your patients when you can get into banking, steal millions and get the government to pay for it all?

Experts say a Romanian mom burned paintings by Picasso and Matisse to protect her son who allegedly stole them. She is being charged with taking art that was rare and turned the dial to well done.

A study says that posts getting “likes” online can get others to approve as well. Just look what happened when one person put a thumbs up on Farmville.

Ben Bradlee will be receiving a Presidential Medal of Freedom later this year. Apparently the panel decided he was worthy of the award for finding someone to sucker into buying the Washington Post.

The IRS will postpone a planned furlough day in August. Apparently they will take most their furlough days in April which has become their easy month now that no one has an income they need to file a return for.

Researchers say they suspect camels are linked to a deadly virus moving through the Middle East. Which makes just one more reason Joe Camel the number one on the most wanted on the list of the World Health Organization.

Researchers say they suspect camels are linked to a deadly virus moving through the Middle East. Which is hurting the reputation of camels around the world even more than the annoying “Hump day” camel on the GEICO commercials.

United Airlines traffic has fallen but their revenue is up. Apparently their passengers are paying an even higher fee to have their luggage shipped by another airline to make sure it has a chance of arriving at the right destination.

A report says that climate change is already affecting California. Mostly women who have had plastic surgery and are seeing their permanent smiles melt into a frown.

Youtube founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen are reportedly looking for the next big thing to succeed on the Internet. Apparently they want to make up for turning our kids into zombies who will watch ten straight hours of videos of a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Youtube founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen are reportedly looking for the next big thing to succeed on the Internet. Because that sounds like so much more fun than taking their billions and buying a tropical island to live in luxury doing nothing forever.

The average home price in Silicon Valley is more than $1 Million. Not only that, but they all come with beige paint, IKEA furniture and smell like Aqua Velva.

Billionaire Charles Koch has started a campaign against increasing the minimum wage. Mostly because he is an oil company executive and that might take away from his maximum wage.

Billionaire Charles Koch has started a campaign against increasing the minimum wage. Mostly because he had to fight for everything he has. There were two other brothers competing with him for the inheritance from their dad’s estate.

ER visits caused by kids swallowing magnets have increased by five times over the past ten years. At least it’s an easy diagnosis. Doctors just look for the kids who are always pointing north.

A new smartphone app can track a woman’s fertility. Now men are looking for an app that will block their calls to any women whose app says they are ready to conceive.

A new smartphone app can track a woman’s fertility. It’s easy to tell which women are using it. They are the ones who have their phones set to “vibrate”.

CNN Chief medical Corespondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta says he has changed his mind about medical marijuana and now supports it. Mostly after seeing the latest ratings for CNN.

A study says that urging a partner to go on a diet may backfire and lead to unhealthy habits. Like swinging a baseball bat at your head when you suggest they need to lose weight.

A study says that meditation could help smokers cut down. Mostly because it’s hard for people to grab a cigarette out of their pocket while they are contorted into the lotus position.

A study says that the answer to yes or no questions can be determined by the size of a person’s pupil. Mostly with men who go into full dilation when their wife asks if they have been seeing someone else.

A study says that outdoor smoking bans have doubled in the past five years. In fact, the only place it is allowed in some states is for those who still use a firing squad.

Bill Clinton will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom later this year. Of course, for Clinton that means now that he is no longer President he is free to date whomever he wants.

Time Warner profit went up in the second quarter. Apparently it may be more than just a coincidence that it happened right after they dropped CBS from their cable systems.

Time Warner profit went up in the second quarter. Of course, it’s easy to have a higher profit once you have finally gotten rid of AOL.

Simon Cowell and Howard Stern are the two highest paid TV personalities, both making $95 Million last year. Even Ryan Seacrest is wondering how two people can make more money than him for having even less talent.

A report says that Bruce Willis was demanding $1 Million a day for being on the set of “The Expendables 3”. When you have been replaced by a 71 year old actor in an action movie, you really are expendable.

Tim Tebow has reportedly been told to be ready to play for New England on Friday night. In other words, Bill Bellchick doesn’t want his first and second string quarterbacks to risk an injury in the preseason.

A new app will allow people to give away their leftovers to the poor. Have you looked around at Americans these days? There are no leftovers.

A veterinary group called Jetsetvets will travel along on private jets to provide health care to people’s pets. Just remember that after being strip searched by the TSA, being delayed for three hours with no reason by the airline and being charged $50 to lose your luggage next time you fly somewhere.

A report says that nearly half of all video gamers are women. Apparently that was discovered on a survey where only just more than half of gamers said they lived in their parents’ basement and were still virgins.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! My daughter starts her first day of high school today. I am very proud of her. She is pretty, smart and talented. Which means her high school years will be much easier than mine. The bad news out of all this is that I have four years to come up with some sort of college fund. I’m printing out my cardboard sign right now...”Will work for my kid’s tuition”...watch for my on your local freeway offramp. And always remember to send the love!


1 comment:

Rick Foster said...

Jim

You must be VERY proud of your daughter. And your wife would be very proud too. Keep up thew good work!

I love your blog--your humor is the best!

Rick