Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Bob Woodward says he is “very sad” about the Washington Post being sold. He says he was hoping to get another Pulitzer Prize for his current work in the Post’s obituary section.

A Detroit public school teacher and accountant have been convicted of embezzling $530,000 from the school system. People were shocked. The Detroit school system had $530,000?

A survey ranked Florianopolis, Brazil as the world’s most friendly city. Apparently it was chosen for being physically the farthest point on the Earth from Tehran.

A survey ranked Newark, New Jersey as the world’s least friendly city, with Islamabad, Pakistan where Osama bib Laden was hiding coming in second. To show how unfriendly Newark is, apparently even Osama would occasionally wave at his neighbors before firing off a few warning shots.

A Pennsylvania movie theater was evacuated after a fake bomb threat was called in. Apparently what happened is that people said there was a bomb in the theater because the featured movie was “The Lone Ranger”.

Michelle Obama is using hip hop as a way to beat obesity. Although that might not be such a great idea when you look at what hip hop did to Fat Joe, Queen Latifah and Cee Lo Green.

A survey says that 56% of Americans are not willing to go through medical procedures that could allow them to live to be 120. Mostly because they would be spending all their extra years still working trying to pay off all the debt they have now.

A survey says that 56% of Americans are not willing to go through medical procedures that could allow them to live to be 120. The other 44% want to live that long so they can tell their great, great. great grandchildren about how tough they had it as a child.

A survey says that 56% of Americans are not willing to go through medical procedures that could allow them to live to be 120. The other 44% want to live that long so they can scream at neighborhood kids in 2093 to get off their genetically modified laboratory grown perfectly manicured lawn.

A French nurse is renting out her breasts to gay parents who have babies. Apparently she got the idea after lots of offers to rent out her breasts to straight dads.

George W. Bush went through surgery to clear out a clogged heart artery. To which Dick Cheney said it was good to see after all those years of mentoring how Bush is finally following in his footsteps.

George W. Bush went through surgery to clear out a clogged heart artery. After which Dick Cheney says as soon as Bush shoots someone in the face he will become the son that Cheney never had.

AccuWeather is coming out with a 45 day forecast. Apparently they figure if they go out that far, one of those days is bound to be right.

An escape artist from Wisconsin managed to free himself from shackles inside a locked coffin that was dropped from an airplane over Illinois. He says it was his greatest escape. Not the coffin, getting out of Wisconsin.

An escape artist from Wisconsin managed to free himself from shackles inside a locked coffin that was dropped from an airplane over Illinois. The good part is that he escaped, and if he didn’t he was already prepared to be buried right there.

A study shows that certain mental illnesses are linked to wartime. Mostly with the politicians who get us into the wars in the first place.

Federal agents have arrested two Chicago men for illegally trying to provide aid for Zimbabwe. Mostly because they figured it would be easier to fix things in Zimbabwe than Chicago.

A report says the tax system is keeping 2.2 Million people out of poverty. Mostly people in the upper 1% income bracket who don’t pay any taxes at all.

A study says there has been a decline in the obesity rate of poor young children. Apparently our economy is now getting credit for starving children back into good health.

Wells Fargo is offering a credit card that helps people cut their debt. Apparently it is different from the Discover Card which helps prevent debt in the first place because no stores or restaurants will accept it.

A study says the average age of most Americans’ cars is 11.4 years. Which would be even older if the research didn’t include Chryslers which are lucky to make it past the two and a half year mark.

GM has cut the price of the Chevy Volt by 13%. Apparently the higher price tag for the electric car was just getting too much resistance.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has paid $250 Million to buy the Washington Post. He also spent $42 Million on a clock that will last 10,000 years. Apparently he is using the clock as a stopwatch to see if he can make the Post profitable while it is still ticking.

A study says that disaster teams need to provide mental health treatment following disasters. Or in the case of the Gulf Oil Spill, they need to provide mental health treatment for the officials who gave BP a license to drill offshore.

A new website offers tips to prevent pedestrian deaths. Of course, the biggest cause of pedestrian deaths is people looking at websites on their cellphones while they are crossing the street.

The Department of Justice is suing Bank of America over selling fraudulent mortgage backed securities. Even Bernard Madoff is saying “They’re just figuring this out now?”

A study says that tracking your blood pressure at home can help control hypertension. The best way to control blood pressure at home is to have the Post Office stop delivery on your 401K statements.

A survey says that 1.35 Million ER visits a year are the result of kids’ sports injuries. Maybe it’s not so unhealthy to let the kids stay home and play video games on the couch all day after all.

A study says that one in three U.S. women use withdrawal as their form of birth control. There’s a term for those women. “Mommy.”

A study says that one in three U.S. women use withdrawal as their form of birth control. Apparently the way to get the best results are to just say “My husband’s home!”

Chris Brown says he is quitting music after his next album. Apparently it would be very hard to continue a recording career without specific approval from the warden.

The Princeton Review has rated BYU as the Top Sober College in the country. Mostly because they are pretty much the only one the review could find.

The Princeton Review has rated the University of Iowa as the Top Party College in the country. Although some people question whether binge drinking to mask the depression of being stuck in Iowa should not really be equated with partying.

Harrison Ford will be replacing Bruce Willis in “The Expendables 3”. Which at least explains the film’s title.

Harrison Ford will be replacing Bruce Willis in “The Expendables 3”. Apparently the film’s producers decided on a switch after seeing what his interviews did to “Red 2”.

Harrison Ford will be replacing Bruce Willis in “The Expendables 3”. The word is the cast is working without a script. Not because it was intended that way, they’re just too old to memorize more than a couple of lines a day.

Scientists have made the world’s smallest version of the Mona Lisa, which is about a third as wide as a strand of human hair. The hardest part was finding an art store that could supply a canvas, easel and brushes to make the whole thing even possible.

A report says that U.S. smartphones are not the most expensive in the world to operate. Unless you factor in all the cars that have been crashed and the hospital bills from people being injured from texting on their phones while driving.

A study says that dolphins have better long term memories than elephants. Although no creature has a better memory than a woman when it comes to remembering every single thing her husband has done wrong from the day they met.

Prince William has gone back to work now that his paternity leave is over following the birth of Prince George. The only problem is for William to remember what it was that he actually does?

Ozzy Osbourne says that original Black Sabbath drummer Bill Ward was not invited to tour with the band because he is too fat. However, apparently it is OK to be too drunk, too stoned and too incoherent and still have a place in the group.

A survey in England rates “E.T.” as the favorite childhood movie. Mostly because people like to reminisce about the days when they could see Drew Barrymore while she was sober and still had some acting skills.

A study says that people who like spicy food are risk takers. Which pretty much describes all the people who still eat at Taco Bell.

A report says that people are still visiting Las Vegas, but are not gambling as much. Mostly because by the time the airline is through with their fees on the flight into town they don’t have any cash left for the casinos.

A report says that people are still visiting Las Vegas, but are not gambling as much. Who needs to gamble when you have most of your money locked up in a 401K and the stock market?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful readers! It’s Wednesday...HUMP DAY! Whoo hoo! as the camel in the commercial would say. Hope these jokes help get you through the day. The way to help me get through mine is to always remember to send the love!

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