Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has bought the Washington Post for $250 Million. Apparently he finds the newspaper very useful for packing the boxes for fragile items bought at Amazon.com.

A study says that late night comics’ jokes about President Obama are increasing. Mostly because they are finding it harder to laugh about what Congress has been doing to the country.

A study says that late night comics’ jokes about President Obama are increasing. The only reason he wasn’t the target before is that he is one of the few people in Washington, D.C. who has been able to keep his pants on.

A study says that the wealthy are saving their cash at a record pace. Mostly because they are the only ones who have any.

A study says that the wealthy are saving their cash at a record pace. Which is pretty much what makes them rich in the first place.

A new novel paints Batman as gay and kinky. Is this news? Here is a billionaire bachelor who lives with his aunt, has a personal butler and spends all his spare time in a cave with a boy he has taken on as his “ward”.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. Don’t we already have that? That sounds a lot like the prime time lineup on MSNBC.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. The only problem is getting the word out to any MTV viewers who are still virgins.

Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 211 games, all the way through the 2014 season. That won’t include the playoffs since he pretty much takes those games off every year anyway.

A luxury toilet that is controlled by a phone app is reportedly vulnerable to attacks by hackers. Apparently it’s all part of a Jihad declared by the Ty-D-Bol man.

A study at UC San Diego says the U.S. debt obligations are more in the range of $70 Trillion. Or as students at UC San Diego know that amount as, “”A whole lot of fish tacos, dude!”

A man known as “the Shark” is making a 22 mile swim from Canada to Detroit while pulling along a ton of bricks. People are amazed at his daring. Imagine being brave enough to go to Detroit.

The world’s first laboratory grown hamburger was cooked and eaten in London. Apparently the first tasting was done in the UK since promoters figured how much worse could it be than eating British food?

The Pentagon’s number 2 official says that troop cuts and civilian layoffs are imminent unless Congress and the White House can cut a deal to avert automatic budget cuts. The Pentagon says there must be an oil producing nation somewhere we haven’t invaded yet.

The U.N. says that Bolivian coca crop is down for the second straight year. Which is starting to explain the Hollywood box office drop of 19% in the past few months.

The Department of Health and Human Services is starting features to help consumers understand insurance marketplaces. Apparently they start off with “Remember the subprime loans right before the housing crash...?”

A 15 ton “fatberg” made up of food fat and wet wipes was pulled out of a London sewer.  Which apparently is finally giving some answers about the cause of death of James Gandolfini.

BP is making new allegations of fraud concerning claims against them in the Gulf Oil Spill. Lawyers for BP say the oil company should win because they made their fraudulent claims about their innocence in the spill first.

The CEO of Cablevision says he sees a future with no TV. Mostly since people would rather stare at a blank wall than have to pay $120 a month for basic programming on cable.

New warning labels on football helmets are expected to combat injuries and liability. Except for the warning posted inside the helmets of the Cleveland Browns that says “Putting on this helmet can expose you to extreme humiliation which could lead to deep depression and other psychological problems.”

An analysis says that revenue from California’s sales tax is lagging the rest of the nation, mostly because of an increase in paying for services which are not subject to sales tax. In other words, people would rather go through with their face lift than the new BMW.

An analysis shows that malls are shifting away from fast food courts to fancy food restaurants. Mostly because mall operators realized people eating at fast food restaurants have to do their clothes shopping at places that offer bigger sizes than mall outlets.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is buying the Washington Post for $250 Million, which is less than 1% of his net worth. As opposed to most Americans who use 1% of their net worth to buy a copy of the Washington Post.

CBS says their blackout from Time Warner has had little effect on their ratings. Mostly because it might take three or four weeks before anyone actually notices they are gone.

Alex Rodriguez’ suspension could end up costing the major leaguer $31 Million in salary. Not only that, he could also lose up to $12.50 in endorsements.

Alex Rodriguez’ suspension could end up costing the major leaguer $31 Million in salary. Which for the Yankees means they would have had to sell another three season tickets, five hot dogs and three beers to afford him.

A study says the urge to smoke could be genetic. Apparently it comes from the same gene that makes people want to ride an ATV from their mobile home to the Bingo Hall.

A study says that breast feeding may lower a woman’s risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially compared to women who find themselves holding a bottle and wonder if they found the bottle or lost a baby?

A study says that preschool children who drink sugary drinks are more likely to become obese. Or as Honey Boo Boo’s family calls it, the beginnings of an empire.

A study says that whooping cough is linked to a shorter life span. Is that news? Since when has any cough been associated with a longer life expectancy?

A judge granted a request from Lady Gaga to seal court records in a lawsuit against her ex-boyfriend that could “seriously injure” the pop star’s reputation. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Lady Gaga still has a reputation?

A Connecticut boy who was on “Jeopardy!” claims he was cheated for misspelling “Emancipation Proclamation” in the show’s final. The sad part is that most kids today think the Emancipation Proclamation is what Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan signed to get away from their crazy parents.

Time Warner is proposing that CBS be sold to subscribers a la carte. Apparently “a la carte” is a French phrase meaning “older than 80.”

Kanye West has signed on to play at the MTV Video Music Awards. It’s not sure yet who he will perform with but one thing is known is that he will definitely be in the same segment alongside Mike Myers.

50 Cent has been arrested on charges of domestic violence. He could face going to prison for five years and being fined $46,000. Which after turning himself in means the fine would be dropped to $45,999.50.

Lindsey Vonn tweeted that boyfriend Tiger Woods is the greatest of all time. It is assumed she means golfer since he probably isn’t high on the list of being a husband, driving an SUV or getting out of the way of a flying 9 iron.

Turkey has suspended 31 track and field athletes for doping. Or as their Olympic athletes are called during most competitions, “spectators.”

Alex Rodriguez’ name has been removed from a youth baseball field in Wisconsin. What’s worse is that it has been replaced with that of Steve Garvey.

Alex Rodriguez’ name has been removed from a youth baseball field in Wisconsin. Not only that, it has also been removed from Madonna’s left butt cheek.

Alex Rodriguez told reporters he was “fighting for his life.” But he would settle for the $31 Million left on his contract.

The Fujitsu supercomputer has been able to simulate one second of human brain activity. Which means if it were simulating the brain of a man, it would have thought about sex 17 times.

A study says that 43% of people 65 or older are using social networks. The other 57% are still trying to figure out where the rotary dial feature is on Facebook.

The Department of Transportation is giving a $2 Million grant to cut down on the number of pedestrian deaths. Or as they are saying in Los Angeles, “What’s a pedestrian?”

A poll says that Chris Christie and Hillary Clinton are the nation’s hottest politicians. Researchers are stunned. That is the only time anyone has heard Chris Christie and Hillary Clinton referred to as “hot”.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers won another exciting game last night. Which for a Dodger fan, any win is exciting. And before this season, pretty rare. Sort of like scanning this blog looking for some funny jokes. But I will always love my Dodgers, and I hope you will also find time to remember to send the love!

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