Sunday, August 04, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The State Department has issued a worldwide travel alert because of terrorist threats in the Middle East, Northern Africa and the Arabian Peninsula. Otherwise known as “Tuesday”.

The State Department has issued a worldwide travel alert because of terrorist threats in the Middle East, Northern Africa and the Arabian Peninsula. Which can apparently be averted by having the TSA strip searching everyone flying to Des Moines.

Oakland Raiders punter Chris Kluwe has been wearing Google Glass at practice. Apparently the Raiders wanted to document the season through the eyes of the person who will get the most playing time this year.

A Florida woman was arrested for illegally selling lobster tails on Craigslist. Apparently she heard that that’s the best place to use for anyone looking to sell some tail.

“Dad’s”, a new sitcom on Fox has been described by star Seth Green as “Disparaging portraits of white men.” Until now, the best place to see white men acting like fools was on C-SPAN.

The Great Bull Run, an event based on the running of the bulls in Spain will be held in Richmond, Virginia in October. Apparently it’s the perfect event for middle aged southern men who are looking for something to do during the lull between NASCAR and college football.

CNN viewership has dropped a reported 32% after the George Zimmerman trial. Which pleased network executives who didn’t know they had 32% of anything to lose.

Anthony Weiner has hired a new campaign manager for is run at New York City Mayor. Apparently he found someone who needed something to do for the three days still left in his campaign.

Anthony Weiner has hired a new campaign manager for is run at New York City Mayor. What he really needs is someone who is there to keep him away from his cellphone.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has had a 9th woman come forward with charges of inappropriate behavior. That means he is just six women away from completing a Full Tiger.

The New York Times has sold the Boston Globe to the owner of the Boston Red Sox at a 93% loss from what they paid for it two decades ago. Even a 1993 Chrysler holds its value better than that.

The New York Times has sold the Boston Globe to the owner of the Boston Red Sox at a 93% loss from what they paid for it two decades ago. Apparently the paper will just be used to show the baseball standings as long as the Red Sox are beating the Yankees.

The New York Times has sold the Boston Globe to the owner of the Boston Red Sox for $70 Million, a 93% loss from what they paid for it two decades ago. What’s worse is that after the deal was made the Times said “Let us get this straight. You are paying us?”

Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS from 11.9 Million subscribers across the country over a fee fight. Apparently both sides are waiting to see when someone actually notices.

An 85 year old Tennessee woman was arrested for selling drugs from her home. Apparently she had no choice. Her kids stole the copper tubing from her still for scrap which shut her moonshine business down.

A study says the Arctic had its shortest summer on record this year. Apparently that played havoc on the tourist season there which was cut all the way from the usual four days down to three.

Tent cities are reportedly increasing across New Jersey. Or as they are known there, “luxury communities.”

A California deputy is being accused of pepper spraying a teen’s pizza during a traffic stop. Ironically, if it had been a salad he would have been given a tip for good service.

A Japanese government minister is in trouble over suggesting using Nazi like tactics to change the country’s constitution. How is a politician supposed to know that using Nazi references might bring a negative reaction?

Congress has adjourned for a five week recess after going on record as the least productive Congress in history. Which with their record of spending is probably the best thing they could do for us.

Congress has adjourned for a five week recess after going on record as the least productive Congress in history. The only question is if they are the least productive Congress ever, how could anyone tell?

Congress has adjourned for a five week recess after going on record as the least productive Congress in history. They did so little this session that C-SPAN has had to start airing reruns.

A Tennessee musician became the first person to paddleboard from Cuba to Florida. Apparently he wanted inspiration for a song that didn’t include a pickup truck, is ex-wife and a bar fight.

A Tennessee musician became the first person to paddleboard from Cuba to Florida. To which Cubans are saying “That’s easy. Try it in a bathtub being kept afloat by metal barrels and Styrofoam boxes.”

Iran’s new President says he is putting a new focus on their economy. Which pretty much consists of drilling for oil and rebuilding what other countries keep blowing up.

A man was arrested for trying to break into Kid Rock’s Detroit home. Apparently the man picked the one house in Detroit which still has someone living in it.

A poll says that most single people in the U.S. still want to get married. Mostly because the odds are better that someone in the household will actually have a job.

The Labor Department says the U.S. jobless rate has dropped to a four year low of 7.4%. Which means it’s just a good thing that 7-11 and McDonald’s are doing enough business to hire the other 92.6%.

Fuel saving idle elimination will be standard equipment on the 2014 Chevy Malibu. Idle elimination was developed by Chrysler years ago. After about five years their cars quit idling altogether.

The Department of Justice is trying to stop a $20 Million severance package for the outgoing chief of bankrupt American Airlines. Apparently they would have been a lot better off just giving him the $20 Million to leave before the airline went broke.

The Department of Justice is trying to stop a $20 Million severance package for the outgoing chief of bankrupt American Airlines. It’s nice to at least finally find out where all that money from the $50 baggage fees the airlines charge is going.

The Department of Justice is trying to stop a $20 Million severance package for the outgoing chief of bankrupt American Airlines. Apparently the airline is justifying it by saying he could have gotten a whole lot more if he hadn’t run the company into the ground.

A survey shows that Americans are working fewer hours each week than their parents’ generation, 38 to 34. Mostly because their parents are working even more hours now to help pay the cost of their children who still live at home because they can’t find a job.

Researchers say that casino data can identify which people are gambling addicts. Which are pretty much all the ones who are spending time in a casino thinking they actually have a chance of winning.

Researchers say that casino data can identify which people are gambling addicts. Which casinos want to single out so they can keep sending them advertisements and coupons to keep coming back.

The Post Office is considering getting into the alcohol shipping business. It would be a win-win proposition. The Post Office would get a new revenue source and distillers could mail out whiskey that would age a perfect eight years by the time it arrived.

A juror on the trial of the Goldman Sachs trader “Fabulous Fab” Tourre says the banker came off as “likable, unbelievable and a bit shady.” So he gets sent to jail and the same traits will get any politician another term in office.

A juror on the trial of the Goldman Sachs trader “Fabulous Fab” Tourre says the banker came off as “likable, unbelievable and a bit shady.” Apparently he was so good at what he did that even Bernard Madoff invested and lost all his prison cigarettes and chocolate bars.

A UK mobile company has introduced “thumbells” to get their customers’ thumbs ready for constant texting with 4G service. Which is ironic that the digital age is the time when our digits are the only parts of our bodies that still do any physical activity.

Dermatologists say that acne is showing up in children as young as 7. And they thought their biggest social problem in elementary school was Cooties.

A study says a person’s sense of smell is determined by their genes. Especially if your family’s genes are from Norway and you spend your whole life around the smell of lutefisk.

Traditional nudist groups are rebranding their older faces from online marketing pictures with younger people. Although it’s not the faces of the older nudists people that are scaring new members away.

Ellen DeGeneres will host the Oscars next year. Although it’s been a rough year in Hollywood. In fact, things are so slow that the accountants at Price Waterhouse won’t be used to count the ballots for the Oscars but instead will see if they can find a movie that actually made a profit.

Prince Harry says that with the birth of Prince George, the pressure is off him to produce an heir to the throne. Now it’s back to the pressure he had on him before, to stay off Page 3 of the tabloids.

A report says that Alex Rodriguez will likely be suspended through 2014 for using PEDs. Even Lance Armstrong is asking if A-Rod could be any more unlikable.

Jonathan Ogden has become the first Baltimore Raven to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s been a life long dream for him. In fact, he remembers asking Ray Lewis who you had to kill to get voted in.

Researchers say that every man on the planet can trace their origin to a single man who lived 135,000 years ago. Not only that, but they also found the man liked to sit around the cave, drink beer and ask when dinner was going to be ready.

Researchers say that every man on the planet can trace their origin to a single man who lived 135,000 years ago. However, at the current rate his number of descendants will be beaten in another three generations by either Kevin Federline or Shawn Kemp.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just enjoyed a nice four day weekend which included doing a lot of nothing (which is how people refer to my joke writing) and watching West Virginia Power baseball games. It ain’t the Dodgers, but with free tickets and parking and the ball park about two miles from my house it’s a lot easier on the wallet and schedule. So now it’s back to the grind, which is always made so much easier when you remember to send the love!

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