Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


George Zimmerman is asking Florida to pay him $200,000 for court costs in his trial over the shooting of Trayvon Martin. Not only that, the jury as asking the state to pay for their use of seeing eye dogs during the trial.

An Ohio surgeon used Google Glass to consult with another doctor during the operation. He also used Glass to get some great pictures of the hot operating room nurses.

California is considering taking away tax exempt status for “discriminatory” groups like Little League and the Boy Scouts. The Catholic Church will fortunately keep its status as priests don’t seem to have any preference at all as to who they fondle.

Parents across the country are starting to buy bullet proof school supplies for their children. Buying the right supplies used to be a way to keep your kid from being a dum dum, not being hit by one.

Parents across the country are starting to buy bullet proof school supplies for their children. However, kids who are bullied at school still don’t have the one piece of gear they have been asking for over the decades. Wedgie proof underwear.

Parents across the country are starting to buy bullet proof school supplies for their children. It’s getting bad when Sears announces the new fall line up of kids’ apparel made exclusively by Kevlar.

A tire slasher in Sacramento is targeting people living in low income neighborhoods. Which is bad news for anyone in the slums whose home is worth less than $500,000.

A tire slasher in Sacramento is targeting people living in low income neighborhoods. Although if that the only motive the slasher by now would have relocated to Bakersfield.

President Obama says that health insurance under Obamacare will be cheaper than a cellphone bill. Which would be ironic for the people who go into the ER after crashing their car because they were texting behind the wheel.

President Obama says that health insurance under Obamacare will be cheaper than a cellphone bill. No wonder the plan has so much opposition. Comparing health care reform to cell phone service kills the support from anyone who has a plan with AT&T.

The Census Bureau says the number of households with at least one unemployed parent increased by a third in recent years. It’s just a good thing the divorce rate is so high or there would be even more homes with two unemployed parents.

The Mayor of Los Angeles has declared a State of Emergency as movie and TV production is fleeing the area. Not only is it costing the city money in taxes and fees, but area plastic surgeons are losing all their customers for boob jobs and Botox.

The Marines are retiring their mascot, Sgt. Chesty XIII in favor of a younger bulldog. “Sgt. Chesty XIII” is not to be confused with the film series about a military nurse starring Jenna Jameson.

Zimbabwe is planning an African Disneyland to be built by Victoria Falls. That pretty much will save a lot of the construction cost on their version of “Splash Mountain”.

Every single one of the 25,000 applicants to the University of Liberia flunked their entrance exam. Which means there are going to be 25,000 new transfer requests for UNLV.

The Post Office is offering companies discounts to send samples of their products through the mail. The first mailings should arrive any day now. Coupons for a free can of New Coke.

Google Glass test users say they like the camera, but complain about the battery life and speakers. They also say it is annoying to have the people chasing them down the street any time they even look at them.

A Pennsylvania woman has pleaded guilty to a $2 Million multi-state magazine scam. Apparently she was charged with impersonating the Publishers Clearing House.

A survey says that Americans are less satisfied with Detroit automakers. Which makes sense in that how could anyone be any less satisfied than someone driving a Chrysler?

A bank executive in Missouri has been arrested for bank bailout fraud. Although isn’t “bank bailout fraud” pretty much redundant?

A bank executive in Missouri has been arrested for bank bailout fraud. The interesting part is the Wall Street bank executives who caused the bailout in the first place still haven’t been charged with fraud.

Texas earthquakes are being tied to extraction fracking. While California’s earthquakes are caused by the San Andreas Fault, in Texas it’s the fault of Exxon profits.

Scientists say they can create glowing trees that could take the place of street lights. Apparently they just plant seedlings near the site of Three Mile Island and wait.

Economists say it is a terrible idea to let Washington, D.C. host the 2024 Olympics. Mostly because the graft and corruption of Olympic officials will not be able to compete with our Congressmen, lobbyists and fundraisers.

Economists say it is a terrible idea to let Washington, D.C. host the 2024 Olympics. So do members of Congress who won’t get to take a free trip to see the Games in another country.

Economists say it is a terrible idea to let Washington, D.C. host the 2024 Olympics. For one thing, the opening speeches by all the members of Congress who want to get in on the publicity will push the Games back to 2025.

Wal-mart says it will expand its health insurance to same sex partners of employees. Which consists of a band-aid, aspirin and a firm “Now get back to work!”

The New York Times website was taken down, allegedly by hackers. Fortunately the Times was quickly notified as the site just happened to be logged into by one of their three subscribers.

Nissan says it will produce an affordable self driving car by 2020. That isn’t in the plans for Toyota. They gave us a self accelerating car a couple of years ago and all it did was get them a bunch of lawsuits.

A report says that underage tobacco sales are at record lows. Finally the cure for teenage cigarette smoking has been found. Let them be able to go and buy all the marijuana they want.

A report says that teenagers are risking injury when walking to school while being distracted by their technology devices. People were shocked at the news. Teenagers walk to school?

A report says that teenagers are risking injury when walking to school while being distracted by their technology devices. The good news is that their technology devices will pretty much keep them from being in school for very long in the first place.

Some schools around the country are opting out of government subsidized healthy lunch programs. Not that our kids are unfamiliar with a healthy diet, but today’s students think an apple is what you use to send texts and make phone calls with.

The FDA is warning that some antibiotics are linked to nerve damage. Especially when your wife finds out you have an antibiotics prescription because you contracted an STD.

Khloe Kardashian says that people who are gossiping about her husband Lamar Odom should be ashamed. It’s not like he is a professional athlete who married into a family that has a reality show which reveals every detail of their private lives.

Kelly Osbourne is telling Miley Cyrus to put her tongue back in her mouth. You know that things have gotten out of hand when you are being lectured about your behavior by one of the Osbournes.

“Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis has been sentenced to 270 days in jail for assault. Apparently the judge wanted to let him know what it feels like to take off your clothes in front of a large group of very interested men.

‘Nsync members said their reunion at the MTV Video Music Awards reminded them what they loved and hated about each other. Like most everyone else who remembers how they hated listening to their songs and loved it when they went away.

Billy Ray Cyrus says that Miley is still his little girl even after her raunchy performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. The worst thing is that in another 20 years we may see the same thing from Honey Boo Boo.

Billy Ray Cyrus says that Miley is still his little girl even after her raunchy performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. In other words, Hannah has definitely left Montana.

Madonna has topped the list of highest earning celebrities at $125 Million this year. Steven Spielberg came in second on the list with $100 Million. What’s more, those figures don’t even count what they get from Social Security.

Madonna has topped the list of highest earning celebrities at $125 Million this year. Steven Spielberg came in second on the list with $100 Million. Which sounds a lot more believable if this year is 1983.

A report says that Johnny Manziel is denying taking $4,000 for signing autographs. That amount would hardly even pay for gas, insurance and maintenance for his Ferrari and Lamborghini. 

A report says that Johnny Manziel is denying taking $4,000 for signing autographs. The only question is whether people will assume he is a liar or just dumb.

An astrophysicist has written a paper saying that the best time travel option is through a wormhole. To prove it, the paper was written on parchment using a quill.

An astrophysicist has written a paper saying that the best time travel option is through a wormhole. The worst part is that he has applied for a grant which includes the price of buying a DeLorean.

A new database offers 3D viewing of fossils. Which is old news to anyone who has ever used a 3D TV set to Watch “Larry King Now”.

A scientist says he has used his brain to control the finger of another man. Which is technology men all over the world would pay big money to have during a prostate exam.

A scientist says he has used his brain to control the finger of another man. Or he could have just cut someone off while driving around in New York City.

A shipwreck found off the New Jersey coast has been identified as a steamer that sank in 1860. Which was a big relief to Carnival Cruise Lines just knowing it wasn’t one of theirs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the jokes and for the occasional comments. Which are surprisingly usually positive. It takes a lot of time for me to write these jokes, and time for you to read them. Which makes up for a lot of wasted time for everyone. But seriously, it is never a waste of time when you make the few keystrokes necessary to send the love!

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