Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The “Deep Throat” parking garage at the Watergate complex where Bob Woodward met with the secret informant is set to be torn down. It’s often mistakenly confused with the place where Bill Clinton would meet with Monica Lewinsky. 

The Houston Astros are on track to set a Major League record for profits with $99 Million. For one thing, their record is so bad that they don’t have to spend money on testing anyone for using PEDs.

A Google Glass app is being designed to read people’s emotions. Like how angry they get when they think you are stalking them with your Google Glass.

An Ohio couple who were married for 65 years died 11 hours apart in the same room. After her husband passed away first, the wife whispered to family that was gathered around “I win!”

The New York Attorney General is suing Donald Trump for $40 Million for defrauding 5,000 students taking real estate courses at his Trump University. Just think how much he would be sued for if he had opened a barber college.

A poll says that only 9% of Americans favor the U.S. taking military action in Syria. The other 91% don’t own any stock in oil companies.

A report says that having deadbeat Facebook friends can hurt a person’s chances of getting a loan. Mostly because having a lot of Facebook friends shows that you are spending too much time on social networks instead of actually having a job.

Indonesian clerics are calling for banning the Miss World Beauty Pageant that is set to be held there this year. Apparently they confused it with the Miss Universe pageant and were afraid it meant Donald Trump would be visiting their country.

GOP lawmakers are vowing to fix the Voting Rights Act which was partially struck down by the Supreme Court. Instead of demanding a driver’s license at the polls, all it will require now is an NRA membership ID.

Police shot and killed a monitor lizard that was loose in a Connecticut town. To which New York City Police say the whole thing could have been avoided if they would bring back “stop and frisk.”

A study says that redwood and sequoia trees are thriving because of climate change. Although any tree that survived eight years of George W. Bush’s environmental policies can pretty much make it through anything.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg is blaming her Supreme Court colleagues for the court’s recent judicial activism. Although apparently it has really been caused by trying to get things done despite all the inactivity in Congress.

A new implanted defibrillator works without wires that actually touch the heart. Apparently it works by shocking the patient by showing them their latest cardiologist bill.

A report says that taxes and not gasoline prices are responsible for California being the second most expensive state in which to own a car. Also the fact that most car owners wouldn’t think of washing their cars using anything but bottles of Evian water.

A study says that Baby Boomers will have fewer friends and family members to take care of them in their old age. Mostly because their kids are all Millennials who want their parents to die so they can finally move out of the basement and back upstairs.

Several states are competing to lure space tourism companies. XCOR has already moved its headquarters to Midland, Texas. Mostly because even the emptiness and isolation of outer space is considered a luxury destination compared with Midland.

Several states are competing to lure space tourism companies. Apparently it’s not enough we have outsourced our jobs overseas, now we’re outsourcing the travel business to the rest of the solar system.

Tesla electric cars are outselling Porsche, Jaguar and other high dollar vehicles in California. Mostly because once you’ve gone to a completely electric car you are already more immune to sticker shock.

A report says that old iPhones are being shipped to Third World countries. The worst part is that Siri is now accusing Apple of forcing her to take a side job at a southeast Asian sweat shop.

A report says that President Obama’s record of appointing women is worse than President Clinton’s. Although the report says “appointing” women is not to be confused with Clinton’s record of “making appointments with” women.

Mighty Wings chicken wings will be coming to McDonald’s soon. The product gets its name because the wings might-y be from a chicken and then again they might-y not.

Mighty Wings chicken wings will be coming to McDonald’s soon. Apparently they are for people who thought the McRibs sandwich was an authentic barbecue experience.

Durable goods orders fell 7.3% in July. Mostly because there aren’t any products made in the U.S. anymore that anyone considers durable.

Starbucks is set to open its first cafe in Colombia. Apparently Colombian drug lords like the idea of having a nice cup of coffee while using the available Wi-Fi to send e-mails with their kidnap ransom demands.

Colleges are planning on giving graduates a post SAT type of test to show employers which students have learned the most. The first question is to have students figure out how many years it will take to pay off their college loans with a minimum wage salary.

Colleges are planning on giving graduates a post SAT type of test to show employers which students have learned the most. It really isn’t a test. But colleges figure graduates who show up on time where they are told didn’t spend the previous four years drunk in their dorm room.

Starbucks says it won’t cut employee benefits ahead of Obamacare. In other words, they will still have tip jars available on the counters in plain sight of all their customers.

The stock market dropped following Secretary of State John Kerry’s comments about Syria. Not because he hinted we may go to war, but because all the traders nodded off while having to listen to Kerry speak.

Bankrupt American Airlines made a record monthly profit in July. Apparently their new policy of dressing flight attendants in tattered clothing and having them pass the hat for gas money before all flights has really turned things around.

Doctors are being asked to counsel teens about the dangers of smoking. Apparently doctors already have their hands full trying to counsel teens about eating junk food and sitting on the couch playing video games all day.

Doctors are being asked to counsel teens about the dangers of smoking. Remember when parents told their kids to go outside to play, and not to keep their cigarette smoke out of the house?

A pirate themed CT scanner has become a hit at a New York City hospital. Especially for kids whose doctors perform malpractice and they leave the hospital with an eye patch and peg leg.

A pirate themed CT scanner has become a hit at a New York City hospital. The kids get to pretend they are buccaneers, and their parents feel looted and pillaged when they get the hospital bill.

A study says that babies may remember words they hear before they are born. The most common words they remember are “You did this to me!”

The most recent winner of “Hell’s Kitchen” didn’t get the head chef job that came with the win because she reportedly flunked a drug test. Her excuse is that no one can work for Gordon Ramsay unless they are medicated out of their brain.

Rapper Fat Joe has reported to prison to serve a four month sentence for tax evasion. People were shocked. Fat Joe still has an income?

Lance Armstrong has settled with the British Sunday Times to pay $1.56 Million to make up for money they had to pay him over a libel suit. Since Armstrong has lost all his sponsors, he will have the option of paying the paper by delivering every newspaper on his bike for the next five years.

The first Masters green jacket ever awarded will be sold at auction. Which is ironic because so were the first people who ever worked inside the clubhouse at Augusta National.

The oldest globe to show the New World has been discovered. Although its authenticity is being challenged since the globe gives credit to Google Earth.

A study says that 70% of U.S. residents have access to broadband Internet. The other 30% still think the fastest way to look at naked pictures is to get out the stack of Playboy magazines.

Bitcoin advocates met with federal regulators and law enforcement officials over the potential use of Bitcoin for illicit purposes. Because our government has done such a great job of making sure the dollar stays in good shape.

Bitcoin advocates met with federal regulators and law enforcement officials over the potential use of Bitcoin for illicit purposes. Apparently they are worried our banks will suffer if they aren’t able to have a lock on the money laundering business.

A study says that U.S. broadband use is mostly by white, college educated people under age 50 who are making more than  $50,000 a year. However, they stopped short of identifying who those three people are.

Google is planning to make Glass for people who already wear glasses or contacts. Who will be then known as “Hey three eyes!”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he would like a blinding snowstorm to hit the Super Bowl in the New Jersey Meadowlands. Apparently with the whole world watching, a blanket of snow will keep everyone from seeing what New Jersey actually looks like.

A wave of retirements has been hitting the federal workforce, which is being blamed on recent budget cuts. Unfortunately, the only federal employees who aren’t getting the hint are the members of Congress.

A wave of retirements has been hitting the federal workforce, which is being blamed on recent budget cuts. Even House Speaker John Boehner has had to cut back to three days a week at the tanning salon.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the blog. It’s nice to know there are people out there with as much time on their hands as me. Now all I ask is that you take a little more time out of your day to make sure to send the love!

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