Sunday, August 25, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A new device sends a mild shock to people when they spend too much time online. Which would be nice gift idea for all those people who keep posting selfies and pictures of all the meals they are eating on Facebook.

A new device sends a mild shock to people when they spend too much time online. The only problem is the device is only sold on Amazon and eBay.

A new device sends a mild shock to people when they spend too much time online. Now if they could just offer a model that gives a bigger jolt to people who can’t put their cellphones down for more than thirty seconds.

A Florida hospital will not hire any workers who smoke. Apparently they are worried about people who just apply to get the employee discount.

A study says that birds can tell the speed limits on certain roads. Which actually puts them higher on the evolutionary scale than Lindsay Lohan.

Thousands of people came out for the first Great Bull Run in Virginia. It took place in Dinwiddie County. But on the day of the run they get to officially change the name to Dimwitted County.

Thousands of people came out for the first Great Bull Run in Virginia. Talk about ground zero for bad genetics. These are the people who can’t figure out how to get a passport or can’t make enough money to get to Pamplona.

A Brooklyn grocery store that is named for Alex Rodriguez is changing its name. Apparently the owner felt if he was selling food it would be more appropriate to name it after David Wells. 

Anthony Weiner was involved in a minor traffic accident while campaigning. Apparently he is so busy he just doesn’t have time to do his sexting from the office anymore.

Ben Affleck has been announced to play Batman in the next Superman movie, causing a negative reaction on Twitter. Who cares? He’s playing Batman and wears a mask. They could just as easily give the part to any of the guys from “The Big Bang Theory.”

Parents in Washington, D.C. are protesting a plan by the public charter school board to rank preschools by how three year olds do on reading and math. What would be a better study is to figure out how they forget to do both by the time they get to the ninth grade.

Chevrolet has decided to get back into the advertising lineup for the next Super Bowl. Apparently they realized what better venue to sell trucks and SUVs than to a national audience of drunk and testosterone fueled men?

A U.S. court has ruled against Argentina, saying they must pay the full principal and interest on their debt default. Apparently they should have been more like the U.S. and just pretend the national debt doesn’t exist.

Paula Deen has settled the lawsuit that wrecked her cooking empire. Apparently the lawsuit was dismissed without prejudice since without Deen’s prejudice there wouldn’t have been a case in the first place.

Paula Deen has settled the lawsuit that wrecked her cooking empire. The worst part is that after she lost all her sponsors from the bad publicity her case ended up in small claims court.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced he will be leaving the company and has been considering it since 2010. Apparently he just had no idea the company would still be in business by now.

A report says the homeless problem in Palo Alto, California is growing. Mostly because it now takes at least $60,000 a year to even make it to homeless status in Silicon Valley.

Time Warner Cable is offering customers free rabbit ears as a way to get CBS programming during their cable blackout. Ironically, the only people who have ever seen quality programming on CBS were using rabbit ears back in 1966.

Bank of America says it will review their working conditions after the death of an intern who worked three straight days without a break. Apparently the intern was left in charge of answering all the complaint calls in their mortgage department.

A study says that people should’nt invest in company stock in their 401k account. But only if they work for Facebook.

A study says that people should’nt invest in company stock in their 401k account. To which most people said “What’s a 401k?”

Chinese takeout restaurants in Philadelphia are lowering their salt content to curb the area’s high hypertension rates. Or they could also just try to get the Phillies to win a few games once in awhile.

A study says that BMI may tell the wrong story in 1 out of 5 Americans. Apparently the other 4 all score high enough that there is no question they are overweight.

A study says that BMI may tell the wrong story in 1 out of 5 Americans, and that it is not a good measure of a healthy body weight. Apparently a much better system is seeing how many hours it takes the sofa to get back into shape after the person has gotten up.

An Indian baby has been released after catching fire several times but with no signs it was caused by spontaneous combustion. Although the family Diaper Genie has officially been listed as a possible Weapon of Mass Destruction.

A study says that 24 to 32 year olds with high debt have a greater incidence of high blood pressure and depression. Possibly because they are always worried and sad about being in debt.

A study says that 24 to 32 year olds with high debt have a greater incidence of high blood pressure and depression. What did they expect, a celebration?

A study says that 24 to 32 year olds with high debt have a greater incidence of high blood pressure and depression. Which puts them even further in debt because they have no health insurance and have to pay for their medication and therapy out of pocket.

A study says that 24 to 32 year olds with high debt have a greater incidence of high blood pressure and depression. Mostly because they realize they will still be in debt when they are 70 to 78.

Research says the best way to stop persistent seizures in some children is to remove half of the child’s brain. Which then turns them into a teenager.

A study says that volunteering helps people live longer. Which is good news in this economy since for what people are being paid to work pretty much qualifies them to be called volunteers.

A study says that early balding may be linked to Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Which is great news for men who are bald knowing they won’t have to live with it that long.

A study says that early balding may be linked to Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Except for Gehrig who had a full head of hair.

A study says that early balding may be linked to Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Or as Pete Rose found out, there is a link to getting thrown out of the sport just for getting an incredibly bad haircut.

A study says that playing certain types of video games can boost a person’s flexible thinking skills. Like determining whether it is more urgent to kill the zombies or steal the getaway car.

New research says that having an expansive posture promotes power. Which means that Chris Christie may be a shoo-in for President.

David Hasselhoff says he is saddened that a store clerk was injured by someone stealing a cardboard likeness of the actor. Apparently it reminds him of the time someone slipped on what was left of the hamburger Hasselhoff was eating on the floor.

Khloe Kardashian is reportedly inconsolable over allegations that her husband Lamar Odom cheated on her. Who would have seen that coming from an NBA player?

Khloe Kardashian is reportedly inconsolable over allegations that her husband Lamar Odom cheated on her. Now they know how people feel after realizing they have wasted all their time and money buying and watching “The Kardashians” DVDs.

The NFLPA says it will strictly enforce urine collections for drug testing. Which means to catch the PED they need to watch the PEE.

A report says that former Laker Dwight Howard wanted Kobe Bryant “muzzled”. If he wanted to shut Kobe up all he had to do was ask why Kobe’s wife was wearing so many rings.

A ring found in Bulgaria is thought to be a medieval murder weapon. It is believed to be the most deadly piece of jewelry in history other than an engagement ring from O.J. Simpson.

Microsoft has released Windows 8.1 to manufacturers. The product got its name from PC users who after five minutes end up throwing their computer out the window.

Microsoft has released Windows 8.1 to manufacturers. Which is good news for the three people that still use anything from Microsoft after Windows 7.

A poll says people who have a job and money are the least depressed. Except the ones who are depressed about thinking they may end up like everyone else who has no job or money.

President Obama says that law schools should consider going to a two year program. Which will be difficult since the ethics part of the curriculum has already been cut back to a five minute seminar.

Tourism is up in Washington, D.C. despite cutbacks from the sequestration. Apparently tourists figure that it will be less crowded with fewer government employees wandering around trying to find something to do.

A report says the NSA has paid millions of dollars to tech companies for user data. Which means they may have paid as much as $15 to AT&T for records of all their customers’ calls that were actually completed.

President Obama says that higher education shouldn’t be a luxury. To which businesses agree, saying that luxury should wait until after becoming a top level executive.

President Obama says that higher education shouldn’t be a luxury. At least not for the students. For the professors and administration that is another story.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a good weekend, now it’s time to get back to the grind. Of reading these jokes I mean. Hopefully you are well rested so you have plenty of energy to make the effort to send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Sending love. Jim rocks.