Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A survey says that 23% of German men say that the ideal number of children to have is zero. The other 77% say they can hardly wait to see their little one take their first goose step.

A survey says that 23% of German men say that the ideal number of children to have is zero. The other 77% say their wives are already knitting some little brown shirts. 

Boston pitcher Ryan Dempster has been suspended for five games for hitting Alex Rodriguez with a pitch. Dempster’s defense is that he got too close to Rodriguez and was the victim of an episode of contact high 'Roid Rage.

Three members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins refused an invitation to visit the White House for political reasons. That, and their head injuries pretty much made them forget why they were invited there in the first place.

New York City is planning a ten cents surcharge on paper and plastic bags at stores. Which means that pretty soon it will be cheaper and more convenient for everyone who likes Michael Bloomberg’s new policies to just move to California.

New York City is planning a ten cents surcharge on paper and plastic bags at stores. Which is just as well since the stores can only sell healthy items there isn’t enough to fill a shopping bag anyway.

An Illinois girl was born in a parking lot 33 years after her father was also born in a parking lot. Apparently that family’s DNA has some sort of defective planning gene.

An Illinois girl was born in a parking lot 33 years after her father was also born in a parking lot. The only person who wasn’t happy was the valet who delivered the baby and got a $5 tip.

Canada is spending $600,000 on a stealth snowmobile. Which pretty much means just painting the thing white.

Seattle’s mayor is asking businesses to go “gun free” by not allowing customers to carry firearms into their establishments. Although most people would rather have the businesses go “annoyance free” and ban people from bringing in their cellphones.

Kodak has gotten court approval to come out of bankruptcy. Which means they can now try to sell the remaining four rolls of film they still have on their shelves.

Kodak has gotten court approval to come out of bankruptcy. Even newspapers are giving them six months before they go completely under.

A Connecticut town was startled when a terrorism alert was accidentally sounded. Of course, they expected it at some point just because they are so close to New Jersey.

A Brazil tourism board is calling for FIFA and hotels to lower their prices during the World Cup. Although most men who are planning to come into town for the event are more concerned about lowering the price of alcohol and prostitutes.

Elena Kagan told a Rhode Island audience that the Supreme Court is not technologically savvy and still sends paper memos. Mostly on the bits of the Constitution they have been ripping off piece by piece over the years.

A report says that thousands of doctors who have been banned from hospitals and medical facilities are still practicing and have never been punished. Although that includes all the doctors who were banned from HMOs for wanting to spend money to treat some of the patients.

A study says that young men and women put the same value on their careers as opposed to their parents’ generation where men had a higher value of their career. Mostly because in this economy, young people have no idea what a career is.

A study says that the age of students applying for Harvard Business School has been increasing over the past few years. Mostly because the only people who can afford it are retired CEOs who want to go back to school to keep busy.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says the number of young people hired over the summer increased 2.1 Million from last year. The bad news is that the kids are doing the jobs that their parents were just laid off from.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says the number of young people hired over the summer increased 2.1 Million from last year. In this economy, is it really necessary to have a Bureau of Labor Statistics?

Tesla says that crash tests show their car is the safest on the road. Mostly because they are so expensive, there aren’t any on the roads which takes the odds of getting while driving one about zero.

The NFL has called for banning large purses for women going to games. Which is really going to be a burden on the wives of Cowboy fans who wonder where they are going to put all the crying towels they need at each game.

A survey says that health insurance for an average family costs $16,000 a year. $1,000 of that is for medical costs and the rest covers the salary and vacation home expenses for the health insurance company executives.

A survey says that 92% of people on a job interview are nervous. The other 8% have the confidence to know they will be able to learn how to flip those burgers in no time.

A survey says that 92% of people on a job interview are nervous. Mostly about knowing that the minimum wage job they are applying for will be about as good as it ever gets for them.

Professional network LinkedIn will open doors to students as young as 13. Although other members aren’t too keen about getting networking e-mails from their paper boy.

Professional network LinkedIn will open doors to students as young as 13. The worst part will be getting messages from new members asking which video game console you prefer.

Professional network LinkedIn will open doors to students as young as 13. Apparently it’s for kids whose parents are nervous about letting them sign up for Facebook.

A government regulator says that scams to invest in marijuana stocks are growing since pot became legal. If anyone wants to get in on the marijuana industry, they would be a lot better off investing in companies that sell pizza, cookies and chips.

An acting head has been named to the Small Business Administration. Apparently the position has been vacant for awhile until someone could actually find some small businesses that were still open.

An acting head has been named to the Small Business Administration. Which means they will be acting like there is something they can do to help small businesses.

A group says the Earth is already in ecological default for 2013, meaning we have already used up all the natural resources for the year. Which still isn’t as bad as Congress which has already spent all the money available to them through 2098.

A new book claims that sushi and wine are OK for pregnant women. No one even knew that Britney Spears was working on a book.

A study says that being wealthy increases narcissism. Apparently the study was titled “Simon Cowell”.

Melanie Griffith gave an interview and lashed out at how superficial Hollywood is. Apparently she complains it’s tough to get work even though she has had a boob job, face lift and Botox injections.

Melanie Griffith gave an interview and lashed out at how superficial Hollywood is. Apparently there will be a rebuttal from Hollywood about how naive Melanie Griffith is.

Adrien Brody will play Houdini in a miniseries on the History Channel. Apparently he will try to escape the stigma from appearing in “InAPPropriate Comedy”.

Justin Timberlake will reportedly reunite with ‘N Sync at the MTV VMA show. One will drive him there, another will park his car and the last two will take his coat and show him to his seat.

Leif Garrett gave some advice to Justin Bieber, saying that every scum bag, drug dealer and chicken hawk will want a piece of him. He then asked for a dollar for cleaning Bieber’s windshield.

Leif Garrett gave some advice to Justin Bieber, saying that every scum bag, drug dealer and chicken hawk will want a piece of him. He forgot the part about every washed up, has been teen idol.

Leif Garrett gave some advice to Justin Bieber, saying that every scum bag, drug dealer and chicken hawk will want a piece of him. If Leif Garrett wants to give him advice, he should tell him what he did so Bieber can do exactly the opposite.

A Vermont film producer has been sentenced to seven years for defrauding investors in a movie. To which Kevin Costner gasped “They can do that?”

A Vermont film producer has been sentenced to seven years for defrauding investors in a movie. Or as Hollywood calls that, “standard operating procedure.”

A Vermont film producer has been sentenced to seven years for defrauding investors in a movie. Apparently they should have been tipped off when someone said they came to Vermont to make a movie.

Kanye West says he turned down an offer to be a judge on “American Idol” because he didn’t want to lose his “street cred.” If he was going to lose credibility, it would only be if he tried to compete with the people on the show who can actually sing.

Kobe Bryant is reportedly selling his Newport Beach home for $8.6 Million. It reportedly has a shark tank, hair salon and three rooms to store all the rings that Kobe has had to buy his wife.

The Lakers will reportedly wear short sleeve jerseys in several games next year. Apparently they will also have V-necks to prevent the players from choking so often.

The Philadelphia Phillies Triple A team in Pennsylvania had a recent contest where they gave away a free funeral. Apparently the winner will use it to bury their hope of ever seeing them hoist another World Series pennant.

A report says that self driving car sales could reach 95 Million by 2035. Which will pretty much be to replace all the traditional cars that will have been destroyed by then from people texting while they are driving.

New Jersey is joining California and New York as the states with the top tech workforce in the country. Apparently the firms there are working on software that with just a click shows users the best and nearest location to dump a body.

Scientists at the British Royal Society of Chemistry have come up with a formula for a perfect grilled cheese sandwich. Apparently they have finally just given up on finding a solution to that genetic teeth situation they have going on there.

Scientists at the British Royal Society of Chemistry have come up with a formula for a perfect grilled cheese sandwich. That may be the problem with British food, that they are leaving the recipes to their chemists.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says that Court is making too many decisions that should be left to Congress or the people. Apparently he came to that conclusion after seeing what happened after they decided the 2000 presidential election.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says that Court is making too many decisions that should be left to Congress or the people. Which doesn’t really matter since the people elect the members of Congress who don’t do anything in the first place.

President Obama is making a bus tour to offer proposals to keep down the cost of college. Apparently the first proposal is telling people they need to save some money by taking the bus.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz says he always thought that being born in Canada didn’t matter for his citizenship. Apparently it only matters for people he thinks were born in Kenya.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Lots of jokes today, some of them possibly even funny. I’ll hold judgment on that for now. Happy reading, and more importantly wishing you happy writing when you take time to send the love!