Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that people who have more sex make more money. Just ask Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

A study says that people who have more sex make more money. That’s just more bad news for married couples.

A study says that people who have more sex make more money. Although that may soon be having the opposite effect on San Diego Mayor Bob Filner.

Death cafes where people meet to eat and talk about death are becoming more popular. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the HMO cafeteria.

Death cafes where people meet to eat and talk about death are becoming more popular. Which is just one step past Carrows where people meet to eat and talk about all their latest health problems.

A study says that too much soda for kids can lead to violent behavior. The only good part is that the kids who drink too much soda are usually too fat to run after anyone to beat them up.

A new NSA center in Utah needs 1.7 Million gallons of water a day to operate. Apparently they have gone from just spying on Americans to get information straight into waterboarding.

A study says that one in four adults age 18-31 in New Jersey are moving back in with their parents. The other three are doing well enough financially where they can live their dream and finally move out of New Jersey.

The number of U.S. tornadoes has dropped to a 60 year low in 2013. It’s getting so bad that The Weather Channel is airing specials on clouds that look like ducks, bears and ice cream.

The number of U.S. tornadoes has dropped to a 60 year low in 2013. Apparently global warming is so bad that tornadoes just get too hot and tired to start spinning around.

Electroshock therapy where people are shocked to treat mental illness is seeing a resurgence. Apparently even psychotherapy is cutting back on fossil fuels in trying to go green.

More men are becoming obsessed about bulking up in size is what is being called “bigorexia”. In other news, the media has become completely obsessed in finding the stupidest name they can for things that don’t even need names.

More men are becoming obsessed about bulking up in size is what is being called “bigorexia”. Only before, they used to do it at the gym. Now they are doing all their bulking up at McDonald’s.

A report says that prostitution and drug abuse are on the rise in North Korea. Apparently they are laying the groundwork to try to attract the casino industry.

The President of Ecuador may force newspapers to go completely digital in order to save paper. Also because he hates bad press and there are only three people in Ecuador who actually own a computer.

A Connecticut town received several 911 calls when cable service went out. Ironically, when service was restored those people could watch themselves on “Cops” being arrested for misusing 911.

A study says that 29% of high school girls are using tanning beds. The other 71% didn’t show up at school enough to take part in the research.

The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court for permission to search people’s cellphones without a warrant. Apparently the Administration thinks it will be easy since no one on the Supreme Court can even work a cellphone without their grandchildren showing them how.

Six people have been mauled by bears in the last week in the U.S. Apparently the economy is so bad that people are now trying to invade bears’ campgrounds looking for food.

Recent violence in Egypt has chased everyone out of the country except essential business travelers. In other words, oil executives.

Car sharing companies are springing up in San Francisco for people who need rides around the city. Chicago has had that for years. Only there it is called “carjacking”.

A survey says that a majority of Americans are not sure how to manage their 401k account. It’s easy. When they tell you there is only $4.01 left in your account, you say “k”.

A survey says that a majority of Americans are not sure how to manage their 401k account. But then, why save for retirement when it is never going to be able to happen anyway?

A survey says that three in ten checking accounts are free. The other seven all have monthly fees involved, mostly for being overdrawn.

A report says that it takes a U.S. worker earning minimum wage 34 minutes to pay for a Big Mac. Of course eating it only takes them 34 seconds.

Detroit unions are challenging the city’s bankruptcy petition. The unions say there is still some money in the city’s coffers they haven’t had a chance to get their hands on yet.

Teen fashion store Forever 21 is cutting their workforce to a maximum of 29.5 hours a week to exempt themselves from providing health insurance under Obamacare. Apparently the stores will now be called “Forever 21 and Living With Your Parents”.

Hedge fund manager Philip Falcone has been fined $18 Million by the SEC and will admit to wrongdoing. Is that necessary? Who is going to pay a fine of $18 Million for doing everything right?

An analysis says that obesity in the U.S. is leveling off. Apparently the saturated fat in our bodies is finally completely saturated.

An analysis says that obesity in the U.S. is leveling off. Apparently Americans have finally uttered the words no one thought they would ever hear from us. “We’re full.”

A study says that chemicals used in plastic food wrappers and containers could be contributing to childhood obesity. It would help if the kids weren’t so hungry that they would actually unwrap the food once in awhile before eating it.

A study says that left brained and right brained personalities do not actually exist. Leave it to some left brained scientists to come up with that one.

Research says that not being able to have children means different things depending on their social class. Either way, it means they have a better chance at getting dates.

A study says that being bullied as a child can have repercussions all the way into adulthood. For one thing, it makes them much more prepared for marriage, a job and parenting.

Miley Cyrus says that her recent transformation is a result of “puberty”. Which is an acceptable excuse at age 20 but how much longer are Lindsay Lohan’s hormones going to be out of control?

Miley Cyrus says that her recent transformation is a result of “puberty”. She made the statement in an interview with Kelly Osbourne. Of course, maybe both of them could chalk up their behavior to having a weird dad.

A man was found dead inside the Florida home of Olivia Newton-John. Apparently she must have gone completely “physical” on him.

Dick Van Dyke was rescued from his car when it caught fire on an L.A. Freeway. Unfortunately, he was injured when he was taken home and tripped over an ottoman.

Dick Van Dyke was rescued from his car when it caught fire on an L.A. Freeway. Authorities say he is lucky to be alive. They mean trying to drive on an L.A. Freeway at his age.

Johnny Manziel has dropped to 15:1 odds of repeating as Heisman Trophy winner. Mostly because he has 200:1 odds of being able to finish the season without being suspended for doing something illegal.

Houston Texan Antonio Smith hit the Miami Dolphins Richie Incognito with his own helmet during a game. Apparently Smith says it was an accident. He says he didn’t recognize the player who is Incognito.

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly preparing a medical malpractice lawsuit against the Yankees’ team doctor. The doctor’s defense is that he is only there to prescribe legal drugs for the players to abuse.

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly preparing a medical malpractice lawsuit against the Yankees’ team doctor for failing to properly diagnose a hip injury. Can’t Rodriguez afford his own doctor at this point?

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly preparing a medical malpractice lawsuit against the Yankees’ team doctor. Rodriguez had just better hope there is no way any teams can ever sue players for malpractice for slumping during the playoffs.

The world’s largest horse registry, the American Quarter Horse Association has been ordered to allow clones. Which could result in the first nine way tie for first at the Kentucky Derby.

Google is pushing the release of Glass back to 2014. Apparently they don’t want to issue the product too early and regret it in hindsight.

Germany says it is going to start taxing Bitcoins. If people don’t pay up they will face German troops marching in and occupying the Farmville land they bought with their Bitcoins.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz who was born in Canada says he will renounce his Canadian citizenship. He says he is an American first, at least until Texas finally makes good on its promise to secede again from the Union.

A report says that extreme weather hurts low income people the most. Mostly because everything hurts low income people the most because they have low incomes.

A report says that extreme weather hurts low income people the most. Mostly because all the high income people move to California where there is no extreme weather.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Don’t forget to spread the word about the blog. I am always looking for ways to attract more readers. Some say I should write some jokes that are actually funny. Nice suggestion, but too much work. I try to at least make it easy for you by just asking that you remember to always send the love!

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