Friday, August 02, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report reveals that in 1983, a speech was written for Queen Elizabeth II to deliver in case of a nuclear conflict. Apparently the speech started off with “That Reagan. I knew this was going to happen!”

A report reveals that in 1983, a speech was written for Queen Elizabeth II to deliver in case of a nuclear conflict.  Apparently the speech started off with “We are not amused.”

Playboy and Penthouse magazines have been dropped from military stores. Mostly because no one has bought a Playboy or Penthouse since they had to use their draft card to show they were old enough to buy one.

Insiders say that shunning plus sized shoppers is a strategy at Lululemon. Which is not a good business model in this country since anymore that means they are shutting out 98% of their potential customers.

Insiders say that shunning plus sized shoppers is a strategy at Lululemon, which sells tight fitting athletic clothes. To which most people are saying “Thank you.”

Netflix is using a new tool to separate the identities of viewers to profile them and make suggestions as to what to watch. Which makes for some uncomfortable moments when a couple uses the husband’s profile and all that comes up are suggestions for movies with Jessica Alba, Mila Kunis and Megan Fox.

A Russian lawmaker says that gay athletes could be prosecuted during the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. As if the male ice skaters didn’t have enough to be worried about with dealing with any judges from France.

A group in Albany, New York wants to open a museum of political corruption. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the Capitol Building.

A smartphone cradle along with a new app can detect toxins and bacteria in food. Or you can just set your GPS to let you know when you are entering a Taco Bell.

Illinois has become the 20th state to legalize marijuana. It will now be known as the Land of Lincoln, the Home of Obama and the Hangout of the Zigzag Man.

The FBI has filed a report saying there is no way they could have averted the Boston Marathon bombing. Which will soon be followed by a report by the Wall Street banks saying there is no way they could have seen the economic crash coming.

Hamburger costs are rising as the beef supply is at a 21 year low. Fortunately, that means that McDonald’s can keep their burger prices right where they are.

A study says that climate change may increase violence. Mostly people shooting their TV sets if they see one more argument about whether global warming is real or not.

A study says a record number of young adults in the U.S. are living with their parents. Which is based on record sales of video games and pizza delivery.

The Gay and Lesbian Hall of Fame is honoring athletes at its opening in Chicago this week. The first inductees will be several male figure skaters and the entire WNBA.

A poll says that newer teachers in the U.S. are most likely to be engaged in their work. Mostly because teaching is one of the few professions left that is actually still hiring anyone.

A poll says that newer teachers in the U.S. are most likely to be engaged in their work. Mostly because they need to be ready to hit the floor anytime they hear a bullet being chambered.

A poll says that newer teachers in the U.S. are most likely to be engaged in their work. Mostly because they need to be involved enough to be able to tell Johnny in a constructive way that a person can still have a productive life even behind bars.

Ford has been fined $17.35 Million by federal regulators for a slow recall of a half million Escapes. The question is how much money does that mean Ford will be fined for still not recalling every Pinto ever made?

A report says that small tablets are taking off in popularity. Why is it that people want smaller tablets and larger smartphones when they are really pretty much the same product?

The Labor Department says that four times as many people are finding part time work as are getting hired full time. Mostly because people realize that taking a full time job means you have to work harder and more hours to make up for all the part timers who keep getting hired who have no idea what they are doing.

Big cruise lines are starting to post onboard crime data. Mostly because they like pointing out how all the crimes are taking place on Carnival ships.

Big cruise lines are starting to post onboard crime data. Of course, they all leave out the biggest crime on any cruise. The ones that advertise as “All-inclusive.”

A jury in New York has found Goldman Sachs trader “Fabulous Fab” Tourre liable of misleading investors. Is “misleading investors” a crime or is that more of a trader’s job description?

Energizer has lost the Sam’s Club battery account. Apparently Sam’s custodians were tired of having to clean up all the pellets from the Energizer Bunny just going and going.

Energizer has lost the Sam’s Club battery account. To which Energizer executives said “Watt?”

Researchers say that first aid for snakebites may soon come in a nasal spray. The hardest part is getting the snake to inhale the spray before they bite you.

Researchers say that first aid for snakebites may soon come in a nasal spray. Apparently they got the idea after seeing so many people in Las Vegas casinos run off to the bathroom to snort a few lines after claiming to be snakebit at the tables.

A study says that eating lunch outside the office may hurt a person’s job performance. Especially when you order the last piece of cheesecake for dessert ahead of the boss.

A study says that eating lunch outside the office may hurt a person’s job performance. Especially in this economy when people are expected to work through breakfast, lunch and dinner.

A study says that anemia is tied to the risk of dementia. Especially when your wife keeps smacking you in the head because you don’t get home every night until 3:00 AM.

A study says that a week of outdoor camping synchronizes the body to the rising and setting of the sun. So does having a rooster in your bedroom but what’s the point?

A study says that new dads’ interest in sex tends to drop. Mostly because they don’t want to go through another delivery room episode where their wife is screaming “You did this to me!” for eight hours.

A study says that exercise won’t ease hot flashes. Probably because for most people exercise is a hot flash.

A study says that plastic surgery often results in a tiny, insignificant increase in attractiveness. Especially when it is averaged in with what happened to Michael Jackson, Tori Spelling and Carrot Top.

The husband of the woman who is pregnant with Simon Cowell’s baby says that his former friend Cowell is a “home wrecker”. Apparently Cowell has left reality TV and gone off into the world of soap operas.

Lil Twist is being accused of battery by a woman at Justin Bieber’s mansion. Which begs the question about Bieber and his friends, when all this is going on just where is the baby sitter?

Ke$ha says she used to have a tail and is really sad that it was cut off. It sounds like what needs to be cut off is her access to the bar.

Drew Brees is angry that people are making a big deal about the quarterback’s tipping of $3 on a $74 takeout order at a San Diego restaurant. The real concern should be for Saints fans that their quarterback is eating $74 worth of takeout food at one sitting.

The State of Pennsylvania has dumped IBM from a project to develop a modernized program for unemployment compensation that was 42 months behind schedule and $60 Million over budget. Ironically, when the program is completed the IBM workers will be the first to qualify to use it.

The State of Pennsylvania has dumped IBM from a project to develop a modernized program for unemployment compensation that was 42 months behind schedule and $60 Million over budget. Or as the military calls that, business as usual.

A study says that digital devices will replace TV as the top choice for home entertainment this year. Which both replaced conversation and social interaction sometime back in the 1970s.

A study says that digital devices will replace TV as the top choice for home entertainment this year. People spend an average of more than five hours with digital and four and a half hours watching TV. Take away time for eating and sleeping and doesn’t anyone work anymore?

A study says that digital devices will replace TV as the top choice for home entertainment this year. People spend an average of more than five hours with digital and four and a half hours watching TV. Take away time for eating and sleeping and is it any wonder we are the most obese country on the planet?

The New York Times reports that it has had two straight years of declining print and digital ad revenues. The worst part is that the news was reported first by the Post.

That’s all for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I love knowing that people read this site and use my jokes. Sometimes I see them online or someone lets me know they saw one in a newspaper. Lots of radio people use them but I never get to hear them because they are on local stations around the country. I thought it was really cool yesterday when I was listening to Phlash Phelps on XM Radio’s 60s on 6 and I heard him use two of my jokes. All I can say is thanks Phlash! That’s one of my favorite channels and it made me feel pretty good to hear my stuff on a national broadcast. If you like the jokes, spread the word and above all feel free to keep sending the love!

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