Sunday, August 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Egypt’s tourism industry is facing a meltdown with the recent political unrest. Tourists are being told to stay in their hotel rooms. If anyone wants to go to a pyramid in a dangerous environment they could just as easily stay at the Luxor in Las Vegas.

Egypt’s tourism industry is facing a meltdown with the recent political unrest. Tourists are being told to stay in their hotel rooms. Who would have thought that things could get rough on a vacation to the Middle East?

Google Glass is going to be using a pay per gaze method of advertising. Pottery Barn was interested in becoming a big client until they found out it wasn’t “pay per gays.”

New software forces employees to pay attention during company training. How about just getting them to pay attention while they are taking down your order?

Federal agents are targeting instructors who are teaching methods on how to beat lie detector tests. At least those people aren’t getting any business in Washington, D.C. where members of Congress don’t even care if they are caught lying anymore.

Heathrow Airport in London is on high alert for bombs hidden in breast implants. At least they don’t have to worry about having to look for any bombs hidden in anyone’s teeth.

Eye surgeons are saying that smartphone screens are causing an increase in eye problems. Mostly after their wives hit them in the eye with their phones when they see they are getting texts from other women.

Eye surgeons are saying that smartphone screens are causing an increase in eye problems. They are telling men that tablets are much easier on their eyes and cause less strain because the porn images aren’t as small as on their phones.

Switzerland is opening drive-in sex shelters where men can meet up with prostitutes in their car. Which is pretty much the same thing as a drive-in theater only with no movie.

NBC anchor Brian Williams has taken some time off work for knee replacement surgery, saying the Jersey Shore has the power to heal. That may be true, but anyone who has watched “Jersey Shore” knows it has no power to sober anyone up.

A study says that male teachers and nurses do more housework than other men. Mostly because male teachers and nurses have a lot of spare time for cleaning that other men might use for dating.

Rapper Coolio is auctioning off his music royalties to fund his new career as a chef. Entertainment experts estimate his royalties could fetch as much as $7.53.

Rapper Coolio is auctioning off his music royalties to fund his new career as a chef. The new career is really blossoming. He has already learned how to make a Big Mac and is now working on using the fry machine.

Aeromexico Airlines is apologizing for a casting call for commercials for the airline that requested “light skinned” actors. Apparently they wanted actors for a flight who would get through airport security in less than three hours.

A botched restoration of a fresco of Jesus in a church in Spain has become a tourism hit. Mostly because everyone knows the most accurate portrayals of the image of Jesus are always found on a piece of toast.

Human rights groups are urging Pakistan to not resume the executions of 7,000 people on death row. No one even knew Pakistan had that many rappers.

Human rights groups are urging Pakistan to not resume the executions of 7,000 people on death row. Or as Texas calls 7,000 executions, “Tuesday”.

A project is trying to preserve former slave dwellings in the U.S. They became former slave dwellings ever since Nike moved all its factories to Asia.

A university in Maryland is buying bulletproof whiteboards for their campus. Apparently university officials feel they are necessary for any classroom discussions about the Second Amendment.

British Police are looking into new information on the death of Princess Diana to see if it is relevant and credible. If it’s coming out now 16 years after her death the best guess is probably neither.

A judge in Los Angeles has upheld a law requiring adult film workers to wear condoms. The worst part is that includes the movie’s camera, light and sound technicians.

A judge in Los Angeles has upheld a law requiring adult film workers to wear condoms. Which means before then can wrap a scene they have to wrap the scenery.

A judge in Los Angeles has upheld a law requiring adult film workers to wear condoms. Which gives a whole new meaning to the title of “set decorator”.

A Buffalo man has been sentenced to prison for stealing $210,000 in quarters from parking meters. His only defense was that he is a changed man.

A Buffalo man has been sentenced to prison for stealing $210,000 in quarters from parking meters. Or as the judge put it, he will be feeding the meter for two and a half years.

A report says that 2013 has passed 2012 for box office gross in Hollywood. Mostly because nothing from 2012 was anywhere near as gross as “Grownups 2”.

Time Warner is being sued by customers for breach of contract, unfair business practices and unconscionability. Who do they think they are, a cable company?

Time Warner is being sued by customers for breach of contract, unfair business practices and unconscionability. When asked if it was about Time Warner dropping CBS programming, plaintiffs said “Time Warner carries CBS?”

A poll says that 15% of women in the U.S. feel they have been unfairly denied a promotion. The other 85% were more successful by being more traditional and sleeping with the boss.

Campbell’s Soup and the American Heart Association are being sued for allegedly making claims their products are more heart healthy than they really are. Especially the new “Big Mac & Fries” and “Chocolate Covered Brownies” selections.

The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” was sold at auction over the weekend for $235,000. The sale took longer than expected as the auctioneer would finish every bid with “Going once, going twice...Bueller...Bueller...”

A Chinese immigrant in New York City is being charged with forging artworks that sold for more than $80 Million. How bad have things gotten where we are even outsourcing art fraud?

AOL is planning to cut its workforce by as much as 10%. Which means it will be very tough to get any employees to take part in any conference calls in the near future.

AOL is planning to cut its workforce by as much as 10%. Which means all the work will have to be done by the nine remaining employees.

China is adding fewer millionaires as their economy slows down. Which means the stuff you buy at Wal-Mart this week might be made by just another member of their middle class.

Apple is back to being ranked as the most valuable company in the world. Mostly because it’s just them and the oil companies are the only ones not going through bankruptcy.

A study says that working class Americans are less likely to get married, stay married and have children in the marriage than college graduates. Mostly because they are less likely to have a job, keep a job or be able to afford to have kids with what that job pays.

A report says that the obesity rate is steady in every state but Arkansas. The amazing part is that the study was done after Bill Clinton moved out of state.

A report says that the obesity rate is steady in every state but Arkansas. The worst part is that the report was done before they even had a chance to have seconds.

China says it will stop harvesting organs from executed prisoners. The worst part is that they are just going to start taking them from the ones who are still living.

A study says that five year olds who drink soda every day have more behavioral problems. Mostly because their parents let them do whatever they want, like drink soda every day.

A British court ruled that a 36 year old man with an IQ of 40 should have a vasectomy. No one even knew that Kevin Federline had moved to England.

“The Real World” will start its 29th season, this time in San Francisco. The show is reality based in that there is no way seven young adults could afford to live in San Francisco unless their housing is paid for by a TV network.

Chris Brown has been ordered by a judge to complete an additional 1,000 hours of community service. Which would pretty much satisfy most people if he would just disappear for the next 1,000 hours.

Kim Kardashian is mad at Katie Couric after Couric said she couldn’t understand why Kardashian is famous. She is on TV for no apparent reason, makes millions of dollars a year and has had several public romances. But enough about Katie.

A report says Ryan Braun is ready to admit he used PEDs. In other news, the Sun is expected to rise in the east and set in the west tomorrow.

Ricky Williams blasted Johnny Manziel for getting caught taking money for signing autographs. When Williams was in college, he signed all his autographs for free, even if he had to write them on his own Zig-Zag wrappers.

A report says that Google accounts for 40% of all Internet traffic. Mostly to find the other 60% of Internet traffic on porn sites.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I enrolled in Karate classes this weekend so if my posts come out a little later it’s because I have had my fingers broken by the four year olds who can already kick my behind. The instructor made sure my first lesson was to learn the Japanese word for “Uncle!” Just posting these jokes shows I must be a glutton for punishment. You can always ease the pain by remembering to send the love!

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