Friday, August 16, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Consumer experts say that people need to be careful now that Obamacare is taking hold as there are opportunities for swindlers, con men and rip-off artists. As opposed to the current health care system which is full of swindlers, con men and rip-off artists.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has signed a law that calls for signs to be posted on highways reminding people not to text while driving. Of course, the only thing more distracting than texting is having the highway littered with signs against texting.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has signed a law that calls for signs to be posted on highways reminding people not to text while driving. They will be the signs with the picture of Chris Christie saying “This message brought to you by Chris Christie” and “Don’t forget to vote for Chris Christie”.

Dating website Sugardaddies.com is offering free divorces to some of their members. That is, free except for the half of everything you own and then some your wife will order her legal team to go after when she finds out you have been on Sugardaddies.com.

A report says that an iPhone uses more energy than a refrigerator. Mostly because it is the one appliance that Americans still use more than their refrigerator.

A report says that an iPhone uses more energy than a refrigerator. Just imagine how fat we would be if we had the technology to be able to carry our refrigerators in our pockets.

A study says that Facebook use predicts a decline in happiness. Especially when they realize they only have any friends as long as they pay their Internet and power bills.

Researchers say a Bolivian herder has been documented as the oldest person who has ever lived at 123. He is illiterate and has no teeth. Which gives new hope for longevity to everyone living in Tennessee.

Brazil is suing Samsung for poor working conditions at their factories. Workers are given 65 seconds to assemble a television. Which is then shipped to the U.S. and thrown out of a window after 65 seconds of “The Kardashians”.

Brazil is suing Samsung for poor working conditions at their factories. How bad is it when other countries are taking all our jobs and then complaining about them?

A deadly virus has hit lions and tigers at a Texas wildlife refuge. No one has ever seen Lions and Tigers in this bad of shape, at least outside of Detroit.

A Chinese zoo was caught trying to pass off a dog as a lion when it started barking. Either that or it was a delivery mistake that is going to come as a big surprise for some Chinese family when they try to discipline their new pet for the first time.

Missouri State Fair rodeo clowns have been ordered to take sensitivity training after one of them wore a mask of President Obama during a show. Bad behavior is rampant with the clowns, especially all the groping when 25 of them get into the same little car.

Police will be handing out informational Doritos that explain the new marijuana laws at a pot festival in Seattle. Also, it will let police know which people at the event have already been smoking when they keep asking for seconds.

Brazil is weighing giving e-mail the same protection as letters sent by mail. Because no one wants everyone else to know the only e-mails they are getting are for Viagra, lower mortgage loans and Nigerian princes who have a fortune they want to share.

New York City is prepared to appeal a ruling by a judge against the city’s “stop and frisk” policy. If the policy stands, you will only be able to be searched by police if you are carrying around a 32 ounce soda.

Some airports are starting to offer perqs to attract frequent travelers. For one thing, people who fly several times a year will be given a hot oil massage before TSA agents get to do their strip search on them.

A report says that half of all homes that are bought in the U.S. are paid for with cash. Especially Nevada where after the housing crash the average price for a four bedroom ranch home runs around $50 and comes with a shrimp cocktail.

Budweiser is challenging a claim by Coors Light about their beer cans. For one thing, Coors says the cans actually contain some alcohol.

A report says that unemployment applications are at a seven year low. Mostly because in this economy we have pretty much run through all the jobs that we even had to lose.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that his re-election should be a model for the Republican Party. Which would actually make it a plus size model.

Ford has lowered its MPG rating for the C-Max Hybrid model, after claims it wasn’t getting the advertised mileage. The worst part is that this is the first that anyone has even heard of the Ford C-Max.

Facebook is testing one click checkouts for mobile shopping. Which means that people will now be able to buy imaginary farmland and fake tractors faster than ever.

A study says that Budweiser is the most popular beer for injured Emergency Room patients. In fact, most ER patients need treatment after trying to guzzle a beer bong full of Bud while being held upside down.

A study says that Budweiser is the most popular beer for injured Emergency Room patients. Which pretty much sounds like a plot line straight from “Hillbilly Handfishing”, “Swamp People” and “Buckwild”.

A study says the baldness drug Propecia can protect against prostate cancer. Just be careful when the pharmacist offers to apply it for you and starts putting on the latex gloves.

A study says that heavy coffee drinking is being tied to shorter life spans in young adults. Mostly because if they are buying their coffee at Starbucks they don’t have enough money left over for food, health care or a place to live.

A study says that one exercise session isn’t enough to help someone who is suffering from insomnia. Especially someone who can’t sleep because they are up all night raiding the refrigerator.

A Colorado veterinarian has been charged with treating humans after a man needed to have his toes amputated because of improper care. Apparently he thought it was OK to treat the man because he was a veteran.

A Colorado veterinarian has been charged with treating humans after a man needed to have his toes amputated because of improper care. Apparently the man claims the vet didn’t attach his horseshoes correctly.

IKEA has recalled two models of children’s beds because of a laceration hazard. And that’s just from trying to put the beds together.

A study says that obesity is deadlier than previously thought and is responsible for 18% of all deaths in the U.S. Not only that, it is responsible for many injuries for pallbearers who are trying to carry a casket with a body weighing more than 400 pounds.

A study says that obesity is deadlier than previously thought and is responsible for 18% of all deaths in the U.S. It’s getting so bad that McDonald’s is offering a new supersized menu called “The Last Meal”.

Bill Hader from “Saturday Night Live” says he had panic attacks during the show. Mostly out of the fear that when he leaves the show his career will follow the same path as Rob Schneider.

John Mellencamp’s sons were arrested in connection with beating a man in Indiana. The victim said his injuries did not hurt so good.

Former “American Idol” runner up Justin Guarini says he is struggling financially. In fact, his career is going so poorly that he is almost as destitute as all of the “American Idol” winners.

A report says the CBS blackout with Time Warner could last until the upcoming NFL season. That’s when people will finally notice that CBS programming is not available on their cable.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says instant replay will speed up baseball. It’s hard to see how that is going to happen when teams will just be given another chance to argue the same play.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says instant replay will speed up baseball. All it will really do is make Cubs fans twice as miserable having to witness every play a second time.

Philadelphia Flyers Captain Claude Giroux will be out five to six weeks after injuring his finger playing golf. Who was he playing with, Elin Nordegren?

Researchers have developed glow in the dark bunnies. Which could completely blow the cover for the Easter Bunny on its late night deliveries.

A survey says that Millennials will opt for Internet streaming TV over traditional pay TV. The good news for cable companies is that won’t be for another 20 years when people in that age group will finally be able to afford to move out of their parents’ basement.

A survey says that American teenagers are very concerned about online privacy. Mostly because they are scared to death their parents will see what they are doing on the Internet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The weekend is here, which gives you all a couple of days to recover from these jokes. Let’s all meet again on Monday for another go at it. In the meantime, if you get a few minutes over the weekend make sure to make the effort to send the love!

No comments: