Thursday, August 15, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


NBC’s “Meet The Press” has dropped to their lowest ratings in 21 years. It’s ratings are so bad it may actually qualify to be moved into the NBC prime time lineup.

NBC’s “Meet The Press” has dropped to their lowest ratings in 21 years. Network executives are thinking of a name change that might attract a bigger audience. So far the one they think has the best chance is “Meet the Kardashians.”

Drone manufacturers are asking the media to stop calling their product drones. If anything should be called a drone it is the news anchors who are constantly droning on about drones.

Alex Rodriguez will reportedly sue Major League Baseball if his ban for using PEDs is not lifted. He has never tested positive for any drugs. Apparently he has avoided detection by quitting using any performance enhancers by the time the playoffs start.

A stock ticker app will soon be available for Google Glass. Because apparently men who are busy stalking women and taking pictures of them without their knowledge need to know at all times how their portfolio is doing.

A stock ticker app will soon be available for Google Glass. Apparently it was devised to show just how much better the wearer would be doing if they invested in Google instead of Facebook.

A new $150 device nags people to sit up straight. Or you could go over to your mother’s house and hear the same thing for free as well as being grilled about why you never call and when are you going to give her a grandchild.

A Utah beauty pageant winner has given up her title after being arrested for throwing bombs at houses. Apparently everyone thought she was buying duct tape, silicone and cotton to stuff the bra she would wear at the pageant.

A Utah beauty pageant winner has given up her title after being arrested for throwing bombs at houses. Apparently she was mostly worried about advancing to the point where Donald Trump would demand to search her bathing suit for IEDs.

A Utah beauty pageant winner has given up her title after being arrested for throwing bombs at houses. Apparently she is moving as she was recently notified she qualifies to compete for Miss Baghdad.

Egypt has declared a month long state of emergency. The declaration is not to be confused with the state of emergency that has been in effect since 1957.

A Pennsylvania hostage taker who posted on Facebook during the six hour ordeal has been sentenced to prison. He can now spend the next 6-15 years posting what he will be wearing on cellmate date night.

A Pennsylvania hostage taker who posted on Facebook during the six hour ordeal has been sentenced to 6 to 15 years in prison. The worst part about the ordeal was when some of the relatives of the hostages kept clicking on “like”.

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” stars Teresa and Joe Giudice are pleading not guilty to fraud charges. Apparently a “real housewife” is supposed to know something about cooking, cleaning and raising children.

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” stars Teresa and Joe Giudice are pleading not guilty to fraud charges. Apparently they wanted to leave their show and land a part on “Orange is the New Black.”

Accused leaker Bradley Manning reportedly has gender identity issues. He reportedly feels he is a woman trapped in a man’s body. Which explains why he was unable to keep a secret.

A poll says that most Americans would continue to work if they won millions of dollars in the lottery. Mostly because that would only get them back to where they were before they were wiped out in the economic crash.

Chipotle Mexican Grill says it is considering using beef treated with antibiotics. Apparently they got the idea from Taco Bell who uses the beef with antibiotics to offset any infections customers might get from the other ingredients.

Faulty wiring was found in the fire extinguishers of Boeing Dreamliner jets. Which is bad because the fire extinguishers were needed to put out the fires caused by the faulty wiring in the planes’ batteries.

Hedge fund manager John Paulson is buying Steinway Pianos. Apparently he feels the company can be resurrected as the piano market just seems a little flat.

The USDA says the cost of raising a child is $241,080 not even including college. Who knew the cost of junk food, candy and video games could be so expensive?

The USDA says the cost of raising a child is $241,080 not even including college. But it’s worth it when you finally see them walking across the stage with their college diploma in their hand and right down the stairs to live in your basement.

An analysis says that airline mergers are already leading to higher air fares. What’s worse is that the airlines are now charging passengers a fee for the higher air fares.

An L.A. restaurant is offering a water menu featuring a bottle of water that sells for $20. Apparently it is a batch of rare water that was actually found in the L.A. River.

An L.A. restaurant is offering a water menu featuring a bottle of water that sells for $20. Apparently the water is so good that its formula is actually H3O.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has established a database where people can look up to see if their car has any recall notices. Another way they can tell is to look for the word “Chrysler” anywhere on their car.

A mishandled software update cause the New York Times website to go down for several hours. It was finally discovered after they got a call that one of their three subscribers was unable to log on.

New $100 bills will reportedly be released on time despite a printing error. Apparently the error came when the printer kept putting $10 on the bills because that is what they are really worth anymore.

New $100 bills will reportedly be released on time despite a printing error. It’s hard to imagine the Treasury Department making a printing error since that’s all they do is crank out more money 24/7 to keep up with congressional spending.

A study says that workplace bullies target employees who are less attractive. Which is good news for Human Resources workers who can post the study on their door and never be bothered by anyone complaining of how they are treated at work ever again.

A study says that a mouth infection is linked to colon cancer. Which could be bad news for Donald Trump who only surrounds himself with people who always kiss his butt.

Brain scans may be used to detect dyslexia in children even before they start reading. Especially when they haven’t started reading and they are 14 years old.

A study says that kids whose mothers were obese when they were pregnant are more likely to die before they are 55. Apparently that’s what happens when you get a taste for  McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King in utero.

A study says that eating chocolate every day can help boost brain power for some. Or it could result in a brain injury if your wife catches you taking some from her stash.

Coca-Cola is starting a campaign to defend their use of Aspartame as a sweetener. Apparently their slogan for using a sugar substitute will be “Lose the calories. Keep the teeth.”

New technology can measure a person’s consciousness. Apparently the device is so good it was even able to measure a minute level in Terry Bradshaw.

The CDC says that infertility rates in the U.S. are falling. Mostly because of news that Kevin Federline has just gotten married again.

CVS says it will no longer require a picture ID to buy nail polish remover. Mostly because when people use a driver’s license to buy the remover, it usually means they put the nail polish on while they were driving their car.

A study says that Facebook makes people feel worse about their lives. Especially when the only posts they put on every day are pictures of the food they are eating.

A study says that Facebook makes people feel worse about their lives. It should make people feel good to know everyone else has nothing to do but post about every chore they are doing through the entire day.

Prince William gave a talk about the challenges of fatherhood at an appearance in Wales. For one thing, it is so hard to remember the names of all the Royal Nannies.

A report says that Selena Gomez’ relationship with Justin Bieber is hurting her friendship with Taylor Swift. For one thing, Swift can’t imagine why anyone would have a boyfriend for more than a week.

A report says that Selena Gomez’ relationship with Justin Bieber is hurting her friendship with Taylor Swift. Apparently she wants Gomez and Bieber to breakup so she has some new material for a song.

Texas A&M will restructure fan day autograph signings in the wake of the Johnny Manziel scandal. Apparently the money for the autograph sessions got so out of control even Pete Rose wanted to enroll at the college.

The Oakland Raiders are rumored to be moving back to L.A. after all the problems with the Oakland Coliseum. Although fans in Los Angeles were a little disappointed as they were hoping to get an NFL grade team.

Ancient rock etchings found in Nevada are estimated to be 10,000 years old and could be the oldest in North America. They have even already been translated to read “Always hit a soft 17.”

A Youtube video offers a free hearing test. Apparently it’s a Justin Bieber video and if the viewer immediately turns it off their hearing is fine.

The Iowa Department of Transportation is working on an app that prevents driving and texting. People were amazed at the news. There is someone in Iowa who knows how to text?

A report says there were 19.4 Billion online searches in the U.S. in July. The bad part is that all but a few hundred were for “Kim”, “Kanye” or “North”.

A report says there were 19.4 Billion online searches in the U.S. in July. There would have been even more but apparently most men have all the good porn sites bookmarked.

A new high speed camera can reportedly snap a photo of something passing by at speeds up to 7,500 mph. Apparently it is so fast it can even capture the images of women who have just found out about a half price sale at Nordstrom.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Raiders may move back to L.A. That’s my home town and my football team. They can actually hire camera crews for the games to shoot two shows at the same time. “NFL Highlights” and “America’s Most Wanted”. No matter what your favorite team is, you can always break away from Sunday football during the commercial breaks to send the love!

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