Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Department of Justice is suing to block the merger of U.S. Airways and American Airlines, saying it would result in higher air fares and fees. How bad is an idea when even the government is worried that it will be too expensive?

The Department of Justice is suing to block the merger of U.S. Airways and American Airlines, saying it would result in higher air fares and fees. The other airlines are backing the merger saying they will keep things fair for everyone by raising all their fees, too.

A man has died after falling more than 80 feet at a baseball game at Turner Field in Atlanta. Authorities say it’s too early to tell if alcohol was involved. Although it’s a good bet since there were 40,000 other drunk people at the game who didn’t fall out of the upper deck.

Michelle Obama has made a hip hop album to fight obesity in kids. She appears in a video but doesn’t actually do any of the singing. Who does she think she is, Britney Spears?

An accountant at the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial says the singer was tapped out at the time of his death, millions of dollars in debt. No wonder he needed all that plastic surgery since he was paying through the nose for everything.

68 year old General Wesley Clark is divorcing his wife of 46 years for a 30 year old girlfriend. He is filing for divorce claiming “general indignities”. If dumping his wife for a woman less than half his age isn’t the ultimate indignity by a general, then what is?

A New Mexico court has ruled that non-English speaking people can serve on juries. Mostly because all the English speaking people understand what is going on enough to get out of jury duty.

A New Mexico court has ruled that non-English speaking people can serve on juries. What does it matter? Even people who speak perfect English can’t understand a word of what the lawyers are saying anyway.

The bra sizes of female police officers in Detroit were accidentally e-mailed to everyone in the department. Especially to the ones who wanted to be armed at all times and wear bullet bras.

The bra sizes of female police officers in Detroit were accidentally e-mailed to everyone in the department. The ones who got the most attention were the ones who were packing a pair of 38s.

A study says that Neanderthals may have made tools out of bones. Which made researchers think they were smarter than previously thought until they realized the Neanderthals were making the tools out of their own bones.

A juror says that the panel gave “Whitey” Bulger the “benefit of the doubt” in some of the murders he was accused of committing. Shouldn’t the benefit of the doubt in a courtroom be reserved for rolling through a stop sign and not putting a slug in someone’s brain?

A juror says that the panel gave “Whitey” Bulger the “benefit of the doubt” in some of the murders he was accused of committing. Apparently they felt he was a nice guy who only committed some, but maybe not all the murders he was accused of.

Brazil is demanding answers from the U.S. about NSA surveillance. That follows the same request from Colombia. Why is every government concerned about our domestic spying policy except ours?

New York City’s “stop and frisk” law has been ruled unconstitutional because it is used mostly against minorities. Although if police are looking for suspicious behavior, how about going down to lower Manhattan and stopping everyone carrying a briefcase?

A USDA report says that meat consumption goes up in countries that have a higher GDP. Mostly because those are the countries that have a high enough standard of living so that all the meat eaters can afford bypass surgery when they eventually need it.

Missouri rodeo clowns will be taking sensitivity training in the wake of one of them wearing a mask of President Obama in the bull ring. Who would have guessed that someone whose job it is to get a 2,000 bull to chase them around a rodeo ring on purpose would have trouble getting in touch with their own feelings?

A survey says that credit card delinquency is at its lowest level in 19 years. Mostly because instead of being late on payments, everyone now is so broke they are just declaring bankruptcy and not paying at all.

Nine people have been charged in a $140 Million penny stock fraud scheme. Otherwise known as selling penny stocks.

Nine people have been charged in a $140 Million penny stock fraud scheme. Apparently they were able to swindle people by getting them to pay a penny to shares in Facebook.

A study says the top 1% wealthy people in the U.S. make most their money in business income and investments. The other 99% are still speculating in minimum wage jobs and holding up signs asking for money at freeway offramps.

A study says that shopping is a “loop of loneliness” where people shop because they are lonely and become more lonely when they shop. Mostly because all their shopping doesn’t leave them enough money to get out and actually do something with someone else.

A survey says that all college costs are going up, not just tuition and college loan interest. Apparently students are also having to pay more for campus necessities like alcohol, drugs and birth control.

Wendy’s is selling off more than 400 of its company operated restaurants. It’s the only time you will ever hear a fast food company talking about trimming the fat.

Boeing is outsourcing security at its local plants. Mostly because there isn’t as much need for security since they are outsourcing all the jobs in the plants as well.

A Florida boy has been infected by a brain eating amoeba. Which now qualifies him to become the head of the Florida state elections committee.

A study says that early risk factors like high blood pressure and heavy drinking can show up as early as the teen years. If you are a teenager with high blood pressure who drinks heavily you are going to have a lot more problems to worry about before dementia shows up.

A study says that early risk factors like high blood pressure and heavy drinking can show up as early as the teen years. Which is just as well because who wants to remember an adolescence like that?

A study says that ADHD along with texting can be a dangerous combination for driving. Mostly because texting and anything is pretty much a dangerous combination for driving.

A study says that ADHD along with texting can be a dangerous combination for driving. Especially when you have to keep looking at your cellphone because you can’t remember who you have been sending texts to.

A study says that premature birth can lead to heart failure as an adult. Mostly because arriving early gives them that much more time to get started on a junk food diet.

A study says that moms’ stress level is linked to their “mental labor”. Which pretty much means becoming mental right after going through labor.

A study says the inability to recognize famous faces could be a sign of the early onset of dementia. Although it may be a sign of intelligence if someone can’t identify any of the Kardashians, Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.

The CDC says heavy drinking costs the U.S. $223.5 Billion a year. Which is pretty much offset by all the profits of the liquor and rehab industries.

The CDC says heavy drinking costs the U.S. $223.5 Billion a year. And that isn’t even including how much money is added to the deficit by Congress after a night of partying with the lobbyists.

Adam Ant will play a concert in New York to promote his new album. Which is big news for anyone who is watching reruns of MTV from 1983.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are reportedly planning a secret wedding. Which would be nice if they would just live their entire lives in secret starting about now.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are reportedly planning a secret wedding. Although there is a rumor they are shopping around video of the birth of their child.

Greta Van Susteren says that Fox should hire Jay Leno once he leaves NBC. Although it would be tough to be any more laughable than Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity on a nightly basis.

Heidi Fleiss has been charged with possession of nearly 400 pot plants at her home in Parhump, Nevada. To which police officers laughed and said “She lives in Par-hump.”

Scientists have invented a device that sends laser beams deep into the wearer’s skin that can predict when the wearer will die. Which is probably not long after their entire body has been cooked by laser beams.

Scientists have invented a device that sends laser beams deep into the wearer’s skin that can predict when the wearer will die. Plus it also sends them off with a nice tan in case they are set to die that day.

A dating website says that men prefer women who say they cheat. Which is finally starting to explain the sudden popularity of Kristin Stewart. 

Facebook says that one out of three members visits the site daily. The other two spend some of their days on Pinterest, Twitter and Tagged.

The chief of AOL has apologized for firing a worker during a conference call. Apparently he says he should have done it on AOL where no one would have known about it.

The chief of AOL has apologized for firing a worker during a conference call. At least we know now that all you have to do is fill in the missing letters to make AsshOLe.

Anthony Weiner says he still sees a therapist. Although for now he is just staying in touch with her through texting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A happy/sad day for me today. It was 20 years ago on this date, August 14, 1993 that I met my wife Karen. Almost exactly a year later we were married, another five years and we had our daughter Summer. Great memories, a great wife, mother and friend. I will always miss her as Cystic Fibrosis took her way too early. I will keep writing the jokes though as she would have wanted it that way, hoping that one day some of them would actually be funny. We can always hope. And you can always keep sending the love!