Sunday, August 11, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


CNN is being criticized for recently showing dead bodies on the air to boost their ratings. But then someone realized they were just watching Wolf Blitzer.

Swedish men are being warned about a crotch biting relative of the piranha which have been reported off the country’s southern coast. If nothing else, it may at least prevent people from having to look at men walking around the beach in Speedos.

100,000 people have applied for a proposed one way trip to Mars to start a colony on the planet. Apparently the people who signed up are excited about having to go through only one final search by the TSA.

Senator Diane Feinstein says that people should not be considered “real journalists” unless they are drawing a salary for their work. Or as newspaper reporters are asking, “What’s a salary?”

Senator Diane Feinstein says that people should not be considered “real journalists” unless they are drawing a salary for their work. Because as everyone in Washington, D.C. knows, you aren’t a “real journalist” unless you are making a seven figure salary to sit at a desk and be able to read off a TelePrompTer.

A Ryanair handbook tells flight attendants to tell passengers they don’t have any change left for any in-flight fees they charge for. Which is making the assumption that anyone flying Ryanair has any money to pay for any airline fees in the first place.

A survey puts New York City first on a list of top cities in which it is easiest to make friends. Apparently respondents said you just go into “Central Perk” coffee shop and ask for Monica, Ross and Rachel.

A survey puts New York City first on a list of top cities in which it is easiest to make friends. Finding friends is easy. The hard part is asking a stranger for directions.

The State Department is warning U.S. citizens to put off any non-essential travel to Pakistan. Or as someone who is making a non-essential trip to Pakistan is called, “hopelessly lost”.

The State Department is warning U.S. citizens to put off any non-essential travel to Pakistan. If you are making a non-essential trip to Pakistan, it’s pretty much time to start looking for a new travel agent anyway.

Oprah Winfrey says she was not allowed to look at a $38,000 handbag in Switzerland because the salesperson said it was “too expensive” for her. The clerk was right. No one in their right mind should even think about paying more than a couple hundred dollars for a purse.

Oprah Winfrey says she was not allowed to look at a $38,000 handbag in Switzerland because the salesperson said it was “too expensive” for her. What she meant was that it was too small. Anyone wanting to spend $38,000 on just a purse needs a suitcase to lug all their cash around.

A satellite is being developed that will be the first to solely track climate change. Apparently it has special infrared sensors that will be able to take pictures and see through the smoke when the entire planet is on fire.

A satellite is being developed that will be the first to solely track climate change. Apparently it will have a special telescopic lens that will be able to zoom in on Al Gore’s home and take pictures of the sign in his yard saying “I told you so!”

The last flight has taken off from the Gary-Chicago International Airport in Gary, Indiana which is now closing down. Apparently there just wasn’t enough money to be made by airlines for people who just wanted a one way ticket out of Gary.

Federal prosecutors say that Bernard Madoff was involved in a love triangle with a former employee. Which doesn’t surprise anyone since without triangles you can’t make a pyramid.

Federal prosecutors say that Bernard Madoff was involved in a love triangle with a former employee. Now who would have ever thought that Madoff would end up betraying a trust?

Twitter has formed a PAC and hired a lobbyist. Apparently they are hoping that’s the best way to get the media and politicians to find out about their product.

Twitter has formed a PAC and hired a lobbyist. Apparently they are making sure to keep politicians like Anthony Weiner from trying to shut them down.

The FCC has approved rules to cap prison phone rates for calling inmates. It’s getting so expensive that prisoners are having to up the amounts they are swindling people out of with their fraud schemes just to pay their phone bills.

The FCC has approved rules to cap prison phone rates for calling inmates. Most of whom are in prison in the first place for stealing money to pay their cellphone bills.

A rare1967 Ferrari could be auctioned off for as much as $17 Million. The only more priceless find would be a 1967 Chrysler that is still actually running.

Mobile health apps are cutting in on the business of Weight Watchers. Most people realize they need a phone app to help them lose weight when they keep breaking their cellphone every time they sit on it.

This week marks the 75th anniversary of the first commercial non-stop transatlantic flight. For obvious reasons, no one has ever thought it was a good idea to commemorate any transatlantic flights that weren’t non-stop.

This week marks the 75th anniversary of the first commercial non-stop transatlantic flight. JetBlue hasn’t scheduled any transatlantic flights yet because it would probably take them another 75 years to actually get a plane off the runway for a flight that far.

A fire eating activist has been jailed for refusing to pay a fine for bathing topless in New Jersey. Even the cast of “Jersey Shore” says someone like her could give the state a bad reputation.

A Maryland man is celebrating 30 years of living with a heart transplant. The news terrified Democrats when they realized Dick Cheney could run for President any time between now and 2038.

Group doctor appointments have doubled in the past three years. The only time it becomes a problem is when you aren’t 100% certain it’s the doctor who is giving you a prostate exam.

Group doctor appointments have doubled in the past three years. Mostly because it’s easier and saves time for the doctor to just tell everyone that they need to lose 50 pounds.

A study says that eating raw garlic cuts the risk of lung cancer by half. Mostly because when those people try to smoke a cigarette, no one will let them get close enough to ask for a light.

A study says that eating raw garlic cuts the risk of lung cancer by half. Mostly because their garlic breath will keep them from ever getting a date which means no sex to follow up with a cigarette.

The CDC says heat waves are the deadliest extreme weather events. Mostly because people keep killing themselves rather to have to listen to the debate about climate change starting up again every time it gets warm.

A study says that American doctors choose the most power antibiotic to prescribe 60% of the time. The other 40% of the time they prescribe the one that has the cutest pharmaceutical representative.

A study says that higher cigarette taxes deter drinking for some people. Just not the ones who drink because they are so depressed about how much it costs to smoke anymore.

Joy Behar has ended her 16 year run as co-host of “The View”. She says she wants to spend the next few years with people she can get in a word edgewise with once in awhile.

A male model has filed a paternity suit, claiming he is the father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three year old son. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Who would ever believe a male model actually fathered a child?

A male model has filed a paternity suit, claiming he is the father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three year old son. Apparently he sees it as a career move. Being a male model just isn’t reason enough to get booked as a guest on “Maury”.

Keyshawn Johnson has put his house near Justin Bieber’s mansion in California up for sale. Who wants to be in a neighborhood where a 19 year old kid can afford to buy a nicer home than yours?

Keyshawn Johnson has put his house near Justin Bieber’s mansion in California up for sale. Apparently he feels too young to be standing out on his porch yelling out “Turn that music down!”

A report says that Jay Leno’s last night on “The Tonight Show” will be next February 6th. The question is how long will it take before the reports start coming out on what will be his first night back on “The Tonight Show”?

A report says that Jay Leno’s last night on “The Tonight Show” will be next February 6th. To which Conan O’Brien and David Letterman are saying they will believe it when they see it.

A report says that Fox may produce the NBC biopic about Hillary Clinton. There is already an argument around the Fox studios as to how to portray Clinton. Half are picking “vampire”, the rest like “werewolf”.

A report says three harness racing horses have tested positive for PEDs. Sports journalists were shocked. They still actually have harness racing?

A report says three harness racing horses have tested positive for PEDs. Coincidentally, one of the horses actually is the one that Alex Rodriguez rode in on.

A study says that talking on a cellphone while driving doesn’t lead to a higher crash risk. Mostly with people who have AT&T service and can never get a call to go through in the first place.

A study says that talking on a cellphone while driving doesn’t lead to a higher crash risk. Mostly because all their attention is on eating and putting on their makeup at the same time.

President Obama says the NSA spy revelations have given the world the wrong impression about U.S. data surveillance programs. After our military, economic and energy policies, he was hoping to have something that made us look good.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg has sold $91 Million of her stock in the company. Apparently her strategy is to get rid of it before it is worth a straight across the board trade with stock from Pets.com.

A 12 year old Arkansas boy found a 5.12 carat diamond at Crater of Diamonds State Park. Now he has something he can use in another three years when he proposes to his cousin.

President Obama says he hopes that gay and lesbian athletes bring home the gold from the Olympics in Russia in 2014. There will be some of that in their luggage on the return flight but probably a lot more pewter.

Former Senator Rick Santorum in a speech in Iowa says the GOP needs to appeal to working class voters. The only problem is finding any people in Iowa who still have a job.

Former Senator Rick Santorum in a speech in Iowa says the GOP needs to appeal to working class voters. Which would be a lot easier if Republican policies hadn’t sent all the jobs that used to give us a working class over to India and China.

Experts say that the Bitcoin could become the tax haven of the future. Which sounds about as good an investment idea as putting your money in land over at Farmville.

Donald Trump says that the Immigration Bill could be a “death wish” of the Republican Party. The only bigger death wish for the Republicans would be to nominate Trump for President in 2016.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Jason Dufner outlasted Jim Furyk to win the PGA Championship on Sunday. Not to say those aren’t the two most exciting players on Tour, but CBS thanked Time Warner for keeping their signal off the air for this one. This had all the excitement of Charlie Rose interviewing Charlie Rose. Exciting or not, they walked away with more money than I will be seeing over the next few decades. But the one thing I have that they can’t take away is when you all send the love!


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