Thursday, August 01, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A new book claims that Hollywood made changes to movies in the 1930s to appease officials in Nazi Germany. Apparently it’s most obvious in the scene where Atlanta is burned by Union troops who are marching with a goose step.

A new book claims that Hollywood made changes to movies in the 1930s to appease officials in Nazi Germany. However, even though they thought it was funny resisted the suggestion to give the Cowardly Lion in “The Wizard of Oz” a French accent.

President Obama is set to visit “The Tonight Show” next week. It should be an interesting interview with Jay Leno. One of them is a lame duck with a limited amount of time left in office despite high popularity ratings. The other is the President of the United States.

Oprah’s OWN TV network has started pulling a profit after four years on the air. Which isn’t such a big deal when you realize NBC is making a profit after putting out the same garbage for more than 70 years.

Huma Abedin is reportedly taking a break from her job at the State Department under Hillary Clinton. Apparently she just needs some time to practice the techniques that Hillary taught her about the most effective ways to throw China at your husband.

Google is teaming with Starbucks to make Wi-Fi that is ten times faster. How much caffeine is Starbucks putting in their coffee where their customers are complaining that their computer just can’t keep up with them?

The government is recalculating the country’s Gross Domestic Product going all the way back to 1929. How bad have things gotten that we are looking back to the Great Depression as the good old days?

Hawaii is setting aside $100,000 to fly homeless people living there back to their home states. Which is good for those people since the cost of being homeless in Hawaii is the same as what it costs to afford a four bedroom home and new car in Des Moines, Iowa.

The Director of the NSA says their snooping stopped 54 terrorist attacks around the world and 13 in the U.S. And that was done just by listening in to see where Justin Bieber was going out partying with his friends on those nights.

A report says the U.S. would save millions of dollars by just giving every prisoner at Guantanamo Bay Prison a $2 Million annual salary to do nothing. In other words, let’s make them all automobile company executives.

The owner of eight TGI Friday’s in New Jersey was fined $500,000 for serving well liquor and passing it off as top shelf. Mostly because he figured if his customers were living in New Jersey and were eating at TGI Friday’s, how much could they know about quality in the first place?

A Congressional Committee has warned the TSA to crack down on its agents’ napping, stealing, tardiness and disrespect. Just because they work in an airport doesn’t mean they get to act like the airlines.

A Greek court has convicted nine people in connection with the sinking of a cruise ship six years ago. After which Carnival immediately canceled all their cruises that have an itinerary that comes even close to Greece.

Data says the Great Recession was not as bad as previously thought and that the recovery has been a bit stronger. Apparently the data was put together by your parents who can now still tell you how much worse they had it when they were kids.

Data says the Great Recession was not as bad as previously thought and that the recovery has been a bit stronger. Where was this data put together, Afghanistan?

Apple retail workers are suing the company for wages that they weren’t paid while they were being searched when leaving work. Although that was nothing compared to what happened to the one worker who at lunch actually asked “Please sir, I want some more.”

A consumer group says that college graduates pay less for car insurance. Mostly because they are too smart to actually listen to a sales pitch from a gecko.

Fake Blackberries were seized in raids in both the U.S. and China. Apparently authorities knew they were fake because no one would actually put out the money to pay for a real Blackberry.

Fake Blackberries were seized in raids in both the U.S. and China. Apparently they were found in the same warehouse next to some counterfeit Sony Betamax video recorders and copies of Windows Vista.

The “Fight for $15” protest for higher wages for fast food workers has moved into its second day in Chicago. The movement was even joined briefly by R. Kelly until he found out it wasn't a push to lower the age of consent.

The Iowa Supreme Court has sided with a dentist who was sued for firing his assistant because she was too attractive. Apparently the court ruled the case would not serve as a precedent since the last thing people in Iowa need to be concerned about is being fired for being too attractive.

A study says that overweight kids may be consuming far more calories than their parents or doctors realize. Although suspicions should really be raised when your child’s blood work comes back showing excessive levels of creme filling.

A study says that overweight kids may be consuming far more calories than their parents or doctors realize. Especially when the doctor doesn’t need to buy tongue depressors as he just recycles all the Fudgesicle sticks left behind in his office.

Prince William has taken two weeks paternity leave, saying it is good for the whole family. In fact, he thought it was so good that he will just finish out the first 18 years at home with George.

A study says that poor dental health is tied to dementia. Ironically, the one thing people with dementia remember is how much they hate going to see the dentist.

A report says that three quarters of new moms breast feed their babies. The rest figure if Doritos and 7Up got them through their childhood then it was good enough for their babies, too.

Studies say that girls commit date violence as often as boys. Especially when they find out the boy they just kissed didn’t tell them he really has Cooties.

A popular drug for Diabetes 2 has been found to extend the lifespan of mice. The only question is do we really want a lot of fat mice in our homes that are going to be around even longer?

A series about sex researchers Masters and Johnson will air on Showtime in September. People wanting to learn more about sex can watch the series or just watch whatever else is ever on Showtime after 1:00 AM.

The attorney for the Giudices from “Real Housewives of New Jersey” who have been charged with fraud says they have been targeted because of their celebrity status. To which everyone is saying “Who?”

The attorney for the Giudices from “Real Housewives of New Jersey” who have been charged with fraud says they have been targeted because of their celebrity status. He is backing up his claim by pointing out they are being prosecuted in New Jersey and weren’t even found with a body in their trunk.

Angelina Jolie has topped Forbes’ list of the highest paid actresses, making $33 Million last year. Which answers the question as to how much it costs to afford a house husband like Brad Pitt.

Prince George is on the cover of a new comic book in England. People are wondering how long it will be until he is featured on Page 3 of the tabloids like Prince Harry.

Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to attend therapy for the next 16 months. She has been attending therapy for years. Someone needs to tell her she actually has to take some notes while she is there.

Miley Cyrus says that Britney Spears is the one person who understands her life. If that isn’t a cry for help, then what is?

Miley Cyrus says that Britney Spears is the one person who understands her life. It could have been worse. She could have said the only person who understands her life is Mike Tyson.

Simon Cowell is having a baby with the still married wife of his best friend. The worst part is that the news actually gives him a better reputation than when he was on “American Idol”.

LeBron James says he is considering running for president of the NBA Players Association. If there is anyone who can make a case that pro basketball players need even more benefits and money, who better to turn to than LeBron James?

LeBron James says he is considering running for president of the NBA Players Association. Apparently one of the big issues he is supporting is overtime for the players who put in more than a 40 hour season.

Alex Rodriguez is set to play a simulated game this week. He had better get used to it because it may be all he can play if Bud Selig gives him a lifetime ban for using PEDs.

Alex Rodriguez is set to play a simulated game this week. Or as A-Rod calls games that aren’t for real, “the playoffs.”

The NFL is making changes to the Pro Bowl in order to make it “fan friendly”. One way they could do that is by actually making it an event that includes a football game.

Physicists say that light particles can last 1 Quintillion years. Which is still only half as long as your wife will remember everything you have ever done wrong since the day you met.

Physicists say that light particles can last 1 Quintillion years. Which is nothing compared to how long the light particles will be around that were used to by Anthony Weiner to snap and send naked pictures of himself.

One of the scientists who worked on cloning Dolly the sheep says that preserved blood from a wooly mammoth should be used to clone it. Apparently someone needs to buy him a DVD of “Jurassic Park” to knock that idea out of his head.

San Jose, California is proposing tighter rules on adult themed entertainment in the city. Of course, in Silicon Valley adult themed entertainment usually consists of men going in groups to watch the latest “Star Wars” or “Star Trek” movie playing at a nearby theater.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Running a bit late today, but still had time for the jokes. Hopefully you will all have some time left to send the love!

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