Sunday, July 07, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Paula Deen has split with her long time agent. Apparently her agent felt that making 10% of nothing wasn’t going to pay the bills.

Long Beach, California is cracking down on loud music from ice cream trucks. Apparently it creates a hazard since when the ice cream trucks roll around is the only time that kids ever come out of the house and go into the streets anymore.

A study says that long time pot users lack motivation. That’s not true. They’re motivation is to pretty much just be a long time pot user.

The Vatican has issued the first text co-written by two Popes. The text was written by Francis I and Benedict XVI and expressed opposition to same sex marriage. Does anyone pay attention when two life long single, celibate men co-write an opinion against gay people getting married?

Police closed a highway in Maryland while looking for an ear that was bitten off and tossed from a car during a fight. That’s the last time that group will ever let Mike Tyson take part in their car pool. 

Germany is going to start broadcasting ads on trains that will be transmitted directly into passengers’ minds. Apparently they got the idea after going on the “It’s A Small World” ride at Disneyland.

Hostess will start freezing Twinkies before shipping them to make for a longer shelf life. How long do they need them to last? If Twinkies were made in the Pleistocene Age they would not have gone past their expiration date.

Wine soaked popcorn is the latest snack craze in New York City. Mostly because it’s the only way most people have found to let them make it through an entire Adam Sandler movie.

A report says that only 47% of Americans have a full time job. The other 53% are already working 40 hours a week trying to find work.

A report says that only 47% of Americans have a full time job. The rest don’t have 40 hours to spare after they are done working at their three part time jobs.

The TSA is advising their security workforce that during Ramadan passengers will be seen praying in airports. As opposed to the other months of the year when people are usually only praying in the United Airlines terminals.

Prince says he doesn’t have a cellphone. Mostly because no one ever calls him since they don’t know where to put that stupid symbol he uses for his name in their phone directory.

A privacy group is demanding the Supreme Court halt the NSA domestic surveillance programs. The justices don’t really care about privacy since everyone already knows which way each of them will decide on every case.

A study says that nearly every firework shot off in the U.S. is made in China. What could be a more ironic way to celebrate our Independence Day?

A study says that nearly every firework shot off in the U.S. is made in China. As are the bandages that are used to treat all the people who are injured every 4th of July from fireworks accidents.

Douglas Englebart, the man who invented the computer mouse has died at 88. He has the eternal gratitude of millions of men who because of his invention were able to still have one hand free while clicking through different online porn sites.

A survey says that 64% of Americans don’t have enough cash on hand to pay for a $1,000 emergency expense. The other 36% pretty much consider every expense an emergency expense.

Ferrari is not allowing employees to send in-house e-mails to more than three other people. Mostly because most the e-mails were from the top executives asking everyone else if they wished they could afford to drive a Ferrari, too.

The monthly jobs report says that the number of part time workers rose dramatically. Which means the economy is getting better since there are more jobs to go around as people feel they don’t need quite so many part time jobs to make ends meet.

A study says that certain foods trigger addictive behavior. Which means just as a guess  we are talking more donuts than broccoli.

A rare condition causes “frostbite” like reactions in temperatures of 50 degrees. How bad is global warming that we are now freezing at 20 degrees warmer than we used to?

A study says that lifelong reading and hobbies may fend off dementia. Which is good because when they get older, only people with dementia will want to hear about the books they have read or their hobbies.

A new study sheds light on how exercise lowers anxiety. Except for Tour de France racers, who bicycle all day yet become very nervous when it’s time to get tested for any drugs.

The FDA will allow generic drug companies to update safety information on their products on their own. Which means from now on, all generic drugs are going to pretty much just come with a generic warning.

A study says that sleep deprived teenagers tend to make poor food choices. Mostly because the teens are sleep deprived because they can’t go eight hours without raiding the refrigerator.

Greta Van Susteren says she is not leaving Fox News. The only way she could find a more Redneck channel is if there was a network put together by NASCAR, Honey Boo Boo and Paula Deen.

A judge has upheld a $5 Million ruling saying former Miss Pennsylvania Sheena Monnin must pay Donald Trump for claiming the Miss USA Pageant was rigged. If she wanted to make accusations about fakery, she should have kept her comments about the other contestants’ breasts and Trump’s hair.

Prince Harry has qualified to be an Apache Helicopter Commander. Apparently he was given the promotion after saying, “Dad, I want to be an Apache helicopter Commander.”

A lock of Mick Jagger’s hair has sold for $6,000 at auction. A lock of Keith Richard’s hair would go for a lot more just for the street value of the residual drugs.

A New York man was arrested for attempting to extort Paula Deen for $250,000. What could he have possibly had against her that could have caused her any more problems than she has already been through?

Amanda Bynes says she has dropped 21 pounds and says she won’t be done until she gets down to 100 pounds. She is good about seeing things through. For one thing, she has already pretty much finished off her career in show business.

John Daly withdrew from the Greenbrier Classic golf tournament, saying he will be out three to four months needing elbow surgery. Of course, the injury didn’t happen on the golf course but was a result of $1 draft night at Hooter’s.

A report says the Mafia in Europe is starting to invest in green energy companies. Apparently they want to make up for all those years of filling bodies full of lead and then dumping them in the East River.

A report says the Mafia in Europe is starting to invest in green energy companies. Apparently they started to go green when they saw how efficient it was to make Jimmy Hoffa a part of Giants Stadium.

Verizon is pursing wireless-only service in a New York seaside town. As opposed to AT&T which has been in the business of offering wireless-never service all over the country.

Edward Snowden was reportedly trained in computer hacking while with the NSA. Of all times to teach a government worker a skill they would actually become pretty good at.

Inventors have come up with an earthquake proof table that could save the lives of people who hide under it during a quake. Although most people who are excited by the thought of an earthquake proof table think of one that will keep the food from falling off.

Touch screen technology is being tested for use in flying passenger jets. Apparently it is much less of a diversion to the pilots when they can order drinks in the cockpit by dragging and sliding a martini icon.

A poll says that 71% of Americans think the signers of the Declaration of Independence would be disappointed in the way the U.S. has turned out. The other 29% think the signers would have opted for pencil if they had the chance to do it again.

A poll says that 71% of Americans think the signers of the Declaration of Independence would be disappointed in the way the U.S. has turned out. What’s worse is the descendants of King George III are saying “You broke it, you bought it!”

A survey says that two thirds of Americans don’t want their children to get into politics. The other third just think it would be nice to have the chance to vote against them.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans don’t want their children to get into politics. The other third figure it would be OK as a last resort only if the career in pole dancing or pimping doesn’t work out.

So far there have been no Democratic candidates who have entered the race for Alabama Governor in 2014. Apparently they first need to find an actual Democrat who still lives in Alabama.

650,000 Defense Department workers will start their sequester mandated furloughs next week. If they want to save money at the Pentagon, how about furloughing the soldiers so we don’t get into so many wars for awhile?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great 4th of July weekend. Mostly because if nothing else, you were free from the tyranny of these jokes. But I am back, and here they are again. So I am in my routine, all you have to do is get back into the habit of sending the love!

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