Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Bradley Manning was found not guilty of aiding the enemy by leaking military secrets. The White House and Congress were not happy with the verdict as they were hoping someone else would finally declare the media as the enemy.

The San Diego City Council will sue Mayor Bob Filner for monetary damages that come from lawsuits over sexual harassment claims against him. If they win, people are hoping that means we can sue Congress for putting us $16 Trillion in debt.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been accused of sexual harassment by an eighth woman. It doesn't get really bad until he is in his vehicle being chased by a woman waving a 9 iron.

Homeownership in the U.S. has dropped to an 18 year low. Who knew that subprime loans were even available 18 years ago?

A house in Detroit that is for sale for $1 has sat on the market for 519 days. People are shocked. A vacant home has lasted 519 days in Detroit without being torched?

A house in Detroit that is for sale for $1 has sat on the market for 519 days. That means there is a real estate agent in town who is doing well enough to pass up a 7 cent commission.

Top GOP donors are telling the party to legalize illegal immigrants. Mostly because they are all business owners who don't want to spend the money it takes to actually hire Americans to work for them.

Data says that men are six times more likely to be hit by lightning than women. Usually right after they are telling their wives "So help me if I am lying to you I hope to be struck by lightning."

Chinese scientists report being able to grow human teeth out of urine. The only problem is that men who go through the procedure always have to stand while they eat.

The National Debt has stayed at $25 Million below the debt ceiling for the past 70 days. Which means even the government accountants have run into a number they can't count up to.

A new robot has been invented that can take blood from patients. The only drawback is that to be practical it needs to start using a needle and put down the machete.

A report says that bad management is reportedly driving away the best talent from the CIA. That and all the best spies are going over the the NSA where they can still spy on people without having to leave their home.

A Pakistani TV game show is giving away babies as prizes to contestants. They aren't the first. That was pretty much the whole idea behind "The Bachelor".

Facebook has refused a request by the U.N. for information on suspected Somali pirates. Apparently Facebook doesn't want to upset the pirates who are keeping the social network afloat by investing their booty in Facebook stock.

Wendi Deng has hired a lawyer to represent her in her divorce from Rupert Murdoch. Apparently not only does she want more than the $20 Million she agreed to in a prenup, she also wants custody of Lisa and Maggie Simpson.

California leads the nation in thefts of luxury cars. Mostly because with gas hovering around $4 a gallon, pretty much just owning a car is now a luxury.

The GAO says that $36 Million in farm subsidies has been paid to dead people. Apparently the government misunderstood when they were notified those people had bought the farm.

The GAO says that $36 Million in farm subsidies has been paid to dead people. Apparently crops weren't the only thing being planted on some of those farms.

Google is recruiting film students to make a movie using Google Glass. It's not for theatrical release. They are just hoping that the students will wear the glasses to get them some video of what goes on with the coeds inside the college dorms.

A report says that Iran may achieve nuclear breakout capability by 2014. Which means having nuclear power will finally let them break out of the 15th Century.

Facebook investors are finally back to even a year after the initial company IPO. Which is about as comforting as finally getting back to the same port after taking a trip on a Carnival cruise ship.

A report says that prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are big fans of the "Fifty Shades of Grey" series. You would think that prisoners who are into books about bondage and S&M would be the ones held at Abu Ghraib.

A poll says that 22% of Americans support a complete ban of smoking. The other 78% won't commit to that until they are sure that the ban just means tobacco.

Despite two new studies on the motives for monogamy, the debate about the need for monogamy continues. Those debating the irrelevance of monogamy are called men.

A study says that singing "Happy Birthday" before eating cake makes it taste better. And if it's your wife's birthday, it's also a lot safer than singing "Baby Got Back".

A panel of experts is recommending annual lung cancer tests for older smokers. Mostly because it won't cost all that much since every year there are fewer older smokers to test.

A study says the longer women breast feed their babies, the higher their IQ. Which is interesting in that the more adult men look at a woman's breasts, the lower their IQ.

Anthony Weiner is not pulling out of his mayoral run, saying "Quitting isn't the way we roll in New York City." Which is fine if you don't mind your politics deteriorating into a Weiner roll.

"Sharknado" set a ratings record for Syfy on its third showing. Apparently it took the first two viewings for people to realize they weren't so stoned they imagined the whole thing.

In the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial, AEG Live is trying to show that Jackson had a secret drug addiction. Could anyone who wasn't completely strung out on drugs thought his plastic surgeon was doing a good job?

Leah Remini is talking about why she left the Scientology Church. Apparently it had something to do with John Travolta and Tom Cruise always fighting over who got to sit in the front pew every Sunday.

Johnny Depp says he may retire from acting and move on to “quieter things.” Like not hearing all the constant snoring from film reviewers during his movie premiers.

A survey says a sex tape wish list is topped by Ryan Gosling. Apparently that looks like less of a reality now that Kim Kardashian is now off the market and engaged to be married.

Lindsey Vonn completed her own “grand slam” as she has been seen with Tiger Woods at all four major golf tournaments this year. Apparently Tiger realizes being seen with Vonn is the only way he gets any TV time during the majors anymore.

Alex Rodriguez says he wants to be a role model. He means besides being a role model for Lance Armstrong, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds.

The 49ers new football stadium features an app that gives updates for beer and bathroom line lengths. Which is easy to figure out because they both pretty much work off each other.

The 49ers new football stadium features an app that gives updates for beer and bathroom line lengths. The line that is always short is the one to buy tickets to the upcoming game against the Detroit Lions.

Former Giants reliever Brian Wilson has signed with the Dodgers. To which most L.A. fans are wondering why he isn’t staying on with the Beach Boys.

Former Giants reliever Brian Wilson has signed with the Dodgers. He will have the second longest beard in southern California. Right behind the people that stopped shaving the last time the Dodgers won the World Series.

Twitter is being pressured to limit hate speech on tweets. The question is how much hate can you really profess in 140 characters?

Matthew Perry and Lisa Kudrow say they wish “Friends” had never ended. Apparently they both miss the same things the show gave them. Something to do and a paycheck.

Secretary of State John Kerry a Middle East peace deal could be nine months away. That’s the same thing they said when the Virgin Mary became pregnant.

Secretary of State John Kerry a Middle East peace deal could be nine months away. Which means in nine months everyone in the diplomacy business will all sit around and have a pretty good laugh.

Joe Biden joked that he will host the “Today” show with Hillary Clinton. The only question is whether four hours is enough time to give him something to say.

Joe Biden joked that he will host the “Today” show with Hillary Clinton. Republicans like the idea, hoping that Matt Lauer can do to Hillary what he did to Ann Curry.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul called New Jersey Governor Chris Christie the “King of Bacon” on government spending. Ironically, that’s the same title Christie already holds with anyone who has ever eaten breakfast with him.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A couple of long days on the work scene, but I still managed to get the jokes out for you. But that’s part of our unwritten code. I send the jokes and you send the love!

No comments: