Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Treasury Secretary Jack Lew is warning Republicans to avoid "fake crises" over spending and the debt limit. Only in Washington, D.C. is a $16 Trillion debt not a real crisis.

A 9 year old Massachusetts girl has become the youngest U.S. chess master ever. Of course, her friends will never be impressed until she comes in with the high score at "Grand Theft Auto".

A thief in Italy has been wearing a blue tuxedo to his robberies. Police are looking for a suspect who still fits into his senior prom tux from 1978.

A report says that four out of five U.S. adults struggle with unemployment, near poverty or a reliance on welfare for at least part of their lives. Mostly the part that started right around 2008.

A disabled man is suing Delta after he claims they forced him crawl across the tarmac
 multiple times after refusing to help him on and off the plane. Delta claims it was his own fault for not bringing enough cash with him to pay their new "disabled passenger transport" fee.

A New York man is being charged with stalking CNN's Anderson Cooper for five years. CNN had told Cooper not to call the authorities since they didn't want to send him to jail and risk losing a viewer.

A New York man is being charged with stalking CNN's Anderson Cooper for five years. The man is described a as a gay, Jewish white supremacist. Fortunately for Cooper, the man couldn't possibly hate him on more levels than a gay, Jewish white supremacist loathes himself.

Monterey Park, California has passed an ordinance requiring businesses to put up bilingual signs. Apparently an empty shop with a sign saying "Out of business" in just one language isn't enough to get the message across to everyone.

Internet journalist Glenn Greenwald says low level NSA analysts have access to a powerful and invasive search tool. Apparently it is called "Google".

The world's first test tube hamburgers will be available in London next week. The only problem is having to avoid biting into an occasional piece of glass.

The world's first test tube hamburgers will be available in London next week. Apparently the word got out when restaurants started hiring chefs who didn't graduate from Le Cordon Bleu but instead went to MIT.

The world's first test tube hamburgers will be available in London next week. The weird part is seeing the chefs not working with a cutting board but a chemistry set.

The U.S. Army is debuting unisex uniforms that feature narrower shoulders, a tapered waist and a bigger seat. Which general had the brilliant idea of trying to attract women to the military by telling them they have a large rear end?

The U.S. Army is debuting unisex uniforms that feature narrower shoulders, a tapered waist and a bigger seat. Who are they trying to recruit, Jennifer Lopez?

Pope Francis I says the "door is closed" to women priests in the Catholic Church. So far the door that most priests are behind is still the closet door.

Spain has passed a law making it illegal to walk around drunk. Which pretty much is going to kill the tourist trade from Scotland.

A power outage at the Philadelphia Airport canceled flights on Sunday and Monday. Apparently without power there were no alarm clocks to wake up any of the Air Traffic Controllers from their hourly naps.

Germany's "going green" campaign has fallen flat as pollution levels have been increasing. Which was a relief to the UK who kept thinking whenever Germany said it was going green it meant they were getting ready to invade Ireland.

Apple is sending audit teams to three Chinese suppliers whose factories are accused of having extremely poor working and living conditions. Just the fact that a factory has living conditions at all is a reason to assume it can't be the greatest place to work.

Fast food workers in seven major cities went on strike for higher wages. Apparently they would like to make enough money to eat somewhere else because they see what goes into the fast food they make.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says the average work week has dropped from 38 hours in 1964 to 34 hours in 2013. Mostly because back in 1964 people could actually still get a full time job.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says the average work week has dropped from 38 hours in 1964 to 34 hours in 2013. Mostly because that is the total of the hours people are working at their two part time jobs but doesn't include their three under the table jobs.

A study says that risk shy Americans prefer low return cash investments. At least they would if they had any cash to invest.

A study says that risk shy Americans prefer low return cash investments. Mostly because they already lost their home in the mortgage crash and all their stocks in the market crash.

A Sliversea Cruise Ship failed an inspection by the CDC. Even Carnival Cruise Lines was asking how many people actually had to die on a cruise for that to happen?

An FAA panel says it needs more time to decide on relaxing restrictions on passengers using electronic equipment during takeoffs and landings. There is a lot of pressure from people who want to be able to use their laptops to write complaints while they are still waiting on the tarmac after three hours.

An FAA panel says it needs more time to decide on relaxing restrictions on passengers using electronic equipment during takeoffs and landings. Apparently they figure if Words With Friends loses its popularity and Alec Baldwin quits playing it, their problems are over anyway.

A study says that two thirds of home buyers would use aggressive tactics to get the home of their dreams. As opposed to the aggressive tactics of the mortgage brokers that got them to lose their dream home back in 2008.

A study says that only 28% of millionaires think they are rich. Mostly because the other 72% of millionaires used to be billionaires.

A study says that only 28% of millionaires think they are rich. Mostly because wealthy people never think they are rich until they have more than everyone else.

Researchers in Germany have devised a blood test that could detect Alzheimer's Disease. Apparently you know you have it if you can't remember where you were supposed to get the blood work done.

A study says that 34 children are treated for choking in U.S. emergency rooms every day. The only time there is more preparation done for choking is by ERs when Phil Mickelson is in contention at the U.S. Open.

A study says that dry eye syndrome is is on the rise in offices because of increased computer screen time and air conditioning. Fortunately it is offset by the moisture provided for the eyes when people cry after seeing how little they are making on payday.

Tara Reid is denying rumors she has been cut from the sequel to "Sharknado". Most other actors would deny they actually appeared in "Sharknado".

Cybersquatters are already buying up all Internet domain names for Prince George. He can still use the ones for Prince Charles that are all open since no one would want to visit any of those pages anyway.

Cybersquatters are already buying up all Internet domain names for Prince George. The worst part is all those domain names are already being used for people to post their naked pictures of Prince Harry.

Tino Martinez has resigned as the Miami Marlins hitting coach after being accused of verbally abusing players. People were shocked. The Marlins have a hitting coach?

Tino Martinez has resigned as the Miami Marlins hitting coach after being accused of verbally abusing players. Apparently he was verbally abusing them since it wasn't like they were going to be able to hit him with their bats.

Anthony Weiner's campaign manager has quit. Apparently he took a more respectable job as a barker at one of the Midtown strip clubs.

Anthony Weiner's campaign manager has quit. It's just as well. Why hire a campaign manager who obviously doesn't read the newspapers?

A study confirms that driving in the U.S. peaked in 2004. Mostly that was the last year most people still had a home that wasn't foreclosed and a job that wasn't outsourced.

Pope Francis I said about homosexuality "Who am I to judge?" Apparently his feelings are that 400.000 priests can't all be wrong.

A report says that teenagers are more likely to respond to a text than a phone call. Which was apparently discovered by Anthony Weiner months ago.

CBS CEO Les Moonves says that racist remarks on "Big Brother" are "absolutely appalling." And he says he will do something about it as soon as the show's ratings start to drop.

CBS CEO Les Moonves says that racist remarks on "Big Brother" are "absolutely appalling." He says he would prefer the show to be called "Big African-American."

The Coast Guard says the Carnival Triumph failed an inspection after it was repaired following a fire that stranded the ship earlier this year. To which Carnival says, "Hey, it was floating. What more do they want?"

Two stars of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" are facing fraud charges. Apparently they tried to claim their occupation as reality TV stars which everyone knows that show has nothing to do with reality.

A study says that for males, monogamy can have evolutionary benefits. Mostly that he will be able to continue to procreate as his wife will not be removing his privates.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers are in first place in the NL West. I just wanted to document that to prove it actually happened. I will need to look this up again after they fall back into the cellar by September. In the meantime, you can get into first place in my book by remembering to send the love!