Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


An Italian scientist says that a human head transplant is possible. Which would be a lot easier than replacing each individual part like they have done with Joan Rivers.

Bets are being placed on the royal baby’s gender, weight and hair color. There is even a chance to bet on how old the child will be when they first start to verbally abuse the palace servants.

Bets are being placed on the royal baby’s gender, weight and hair color. In fact, there are still wagers being placed about the gender of Prince Edward.

A Vatican panel has cleared the way for sainthood for Pope John Paul II. He is credited with two miracles. One being how the Catholic Church has managed to keep from going broke despite all the lawsuits over priests molesting altar boys.

Scientists are studying the possibility of teeth that regrow themselves. Studies show that stem cells can regrow the tooth tissue known as pulp. Except in England, where tooth regeneration is known as pulp fiction.

A San Diego jury has acquitted a man charged with vandalism for writing anti-bank slogans in water soluble chalk. If convicted he could have been sentenced up to five to ten years in time out.

Experts say that Silicon Valley made America a surveillance superpower. Who knew it all started out with websites posting those annoying cookies on your computer?

Three Taco Bell drive-thru customers in Michigan were handed a bag containing cash instead of food. They had to admit that while the food usually tasted better, they didn’t feel quite so queasy after eating the cash.

An Israeli inventor has developed a bicycle made from discarded cardboard that will supposedly sell for $20. The only problem is all you need to steal one is a pair of scissors.

An Israeli inventor has developed a bicycle made from discarded cardboard that will supposedly sell for $20. That will be the one product that can truly claim to be recycled.

A former executive at Tiffany’s has been arrested for stealing $1.3 Million in jewels. Ironically, she was led away by federal authorities who presented her with a brand new pair of bracelets.

Paula Deen’s troubles could spread all the way down to her suppliers who could get stuck with products that no one wants to buy in the wake of her legal problems. For instance, there is one linen maker who may just have to write off all the white hoods that her employees wear around the shop.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has created a panel to investigate New York campaign corruption. The panel says it has all kinds of evidence which will be turned over to the state or the candidates, depending on who makes the better offer.

Starbucks is testing handcrafted carbonated drinks. Which means for $4 they will pour you a soda.

A dying startup operation has been gaining attention for a blog that has been chronicling  its collapse. Otherwise known as the digital equivalent of a newspaper.

Textbook publisher Cengage has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Apparently no one at the company read the textbook for Accounting 101.

Textbook publisher Cengage has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Apparently the first 10 chapters weren’t so good, either.

Textbook publisher Cengage has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Students across the country were saddened. They wish they had actually read one before the company went broke.

Former CIA Director David Petraeus has been given a teaching position at CUNY that pays $150,000 a year for teaching a three hour a week course. The bad part for the students having a CIA boss teach the class is that they are given their score before even taking each test.

Former CIA Director David Petraeus has been given a teaching position at CUNY that pays $150,000 a year for teaching a three hour a week course. Apparently the CIA had collected some pretty good information about the college president.

The T-shirt has turned 100. Or maybe it’s just that most of them smell that old.

The T-shirt has turned 100. The very first one was imprinted with “John McCain For Senate.”

A poll says that 87% of American men who wear T-shirts have one they won’t throw away for sentimental reasons. Mostly because it is the one they own that is still clean.

A scientist says the royal baby is more likely to be a girl. Apparently he is basing his prediction on family history, genetic predisposition and that Kate Middleton recently ordered some pink paint.

A study says that pot smokers may be less motivated due to lack of a brain chemical. That chemical is called brain cells.

A nutrition advocacy group is calling Long John Silver’s Big Catch the worst restaurant meal in America. Apparently the only way the deep fried meal could have any more oil is if the fish were caught near a BP rig.

A nutrition advocacy group is calling Long John Silver’s Big Catch the worst restaurant meal in America. It is so full of fat that people eating it need a tug boat to help guide their rear ends back out through the doors.

The U.S. will delay a penalty on employers who don’t offer health care to employees for another year until 2015. Apparently President Obama’s plan is to keep his health care reform from going into effect until he can get out of the White House and pass it on to the next person.

Alicia Silverstone is launching a breast milk sharing program for vegans. To which the infants of vegans across the country are saying, “Mom, just eat a sandwich.”

Paula Deen is invoking the same sex marriage ruling for her lawsuit defense over racial discrimination. Apparently her strategy is to just offend everyone in the country at the same time and just start over from there.

Robert Iger has decided to delay his retirement as Disney CEO until 2016. When Iger asked how he would know when the board wants him to leave, they said “Have you ever seen ‘Old Yeller’?”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 Million baby photo deal. Apparently Kardashian says she would rather introduce her child to the public the traditional way. Wait until she is 18 then release a sex tape.

A Bitcoin IPO filed by the Winklevoss twins could take the currency mainstream. The “coins” have a volatile exchange rate, aren’t accepted by everyone and could lose their value overnight. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the “Dollar”.

The Minnesota Twins have honored Yankee closer Mariano Rivera with a rocking chair made of broken baseball bats. Until now, the only rocker ever associated so closely with bats was Ozzy Osbourne.

Major League Baseball has reportedly fired umpire Brian Runge for drug use. They haven’t said what substance he was abusing but it is a pretty sure bet it wasn’t Visine.

Olympic Champion snowboarder Shaun White is the lead guitarist for the group Bad Things. The “Flying Tomato” is the first vegetable associated with a music group since Keith Richards.

Dennis Rodman says he should be considered for the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in North Korea. He would have had a more realistic chance at the award if he had been able to rein in Bill Laimbeer while he was on the Detroit Pistons.

A study says that 60 Billion alien planets in the universe could support life. Apparently the new Republican immigration bill uses that information to suggest that immigrants go try to relocate to one of those.

Pluto’s smallest moons have been named Kerberos and Styx. First Pluto loses its status as a planet, and now it has one of its moons named after a ‘70s classic rock band.

An Italian geologist says the Loch Ness monster may be the result of seismic activity. Which might also finally explain why the Japanese are always being attacked by Godzilla, Mothra and Gamera.

A real estate mogul in California has given Stanford University $151 Million gift. In other words, he handed over a three bedroom fixer upper in Los Altos.

Car and truck sales in the U.S. are at their highest since the recession started. Apparently people have more money to buy a new vehicle since they don’t have to be bothered with making those monthly mortgage payments ever again.

New York City has become the first U.S. city to have its own web domain “.nyc”. Apparently it was a little easier to type in than the original domain request of “.whatareyoulookin’at”.

A poll says that President Obama’s perceived honesty and crisis management has contributed to his steady approval ratings. Perhaps if he was a little more honest about the NSA spying, he wouldn’t have to spend so much time in crisis management.

It has been revealed the GSA produced movie parodies and skits while also spending more than $800,000 on a conference in Las Vegas. Washington insiders were impressed. It’s like they were Congress, the IRS and Prince Harry all rolled into one.

National Intelligence Director James Clapper has apologized to Congress for “clearly erroneous” testimony about government data gathering. Or as the rest of us know that, three to five years of hard time for perjury.

An Oklahoma Congressman wants to end an unemployment fund for the wealthy. Don’t the super rich already have an unemployment benefits plan? It’s called a golden parachute.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am taking off for the 4th of July and also the day after, so the jokes will be posted again on Monday. I plan to celebrate Independence Day like everyone else. We would all like our independence. Mostly from the mortgage companies, the 9 to 5 and the IRS. But as long as we all have our obligations, make sure you continue to always send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Have a good holiday, Jim! Looking forward to more jokes next week.