Friday, July 26, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A squirrel carrying the black plague was found in a California forest. What forest was that, Sherwood?

A squirrel carrying the black plague was found in a California forest. Anyone coming in contact with a squirrel there is urged to wear a dead toad around their neck or apply feathers from a live chicken to any sores.

A Weed World van is giving out marijuana flavored candy around New York City. The only problem is most people are confused about which end of the candy to light up.

A Weed World van is giving out marijuana flavored candy around New York City. Combining marijuana and candy is like when someone first discovered to put the icing right on the cake.

One of the jurors in the Trayvon Martin case says that George Zimmerman got away with murder. It’s just too bad that juror wasn’t in a position where they could have actually done something to see that he was convicted.

The U.S. Army is planning on switching over to “green” bullets made of copper instead of lead. That way any enemy soldiers who are killed won’t be buried, they will just be recycled.

The U.S. Army is planning on switching over to “green” bullets made of copper instead of lead. It’s nice that the next time we invade a country to dispose of a leader who won’t give us their oil we will at least do it in an environmentally friendly way.

The U.S. Army is planning on switching over to “green” bullets made of copper instead of lead. Which is a brilliant way of finally getting hippies interested in enlisting in the military.

A Kentucky man is set to have a brain tumor removed through his nose. Apparently he spent years trying himself but just wasn’t picking deep enough.

A Kentucky man is set to have a brain tumor removed through his nose. That’s when you know it may have been a mistake to sign up for a health care plan at Wal-Mart.

The U.N. has declared November 19th World Toilet Day. Shouldn’t they have planned it to fall after Thanksgiving instead?

The U.N. has declared November 19th World Toilet Day. Have we really run out of things to celebrate?

A Pennsylvania town has banned hooting, whistling and singing in the streets. That won’t last long after Kevin Bacon moves into town.

A Pennsylvania town has banned hooting, whistling and singing in the streets. Which fortunately means that people can still legally catcall, heckle, hiss, howl and scoff.

A Pennsylvania town has banned hooting, whistling and singing in the streets. Opponents may take the law to the Supreme Court to push for their First Amendment rights to hoot whenever they want.

A Pennsylvania town has banned hooting, whistling and singing in the streets. Hooting? Who are they bringing in to enforce the law, officer Krupke?

German police have seized a car that contained a pool full of water. What better way to finally get people interested in car pooling?

A study says an Arctic thaw could cost the global economy $60 Trillion. And that’s just the cost of buying everyone SCUBA gear in case they want to get out for a bit without having to start up the submarine.

Virginia Johnson, who collaborated with William Masters on sex research has died at age 88. Apparently just the idea of the studies that could result from Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for office at the same time was too much for her to take.

Prosecutors are calling accused spy Bradley Manning an egotist who betrayed the trust of the country. Who does he think he is, a member of Congress?

O.J. Simpson pleaded before a parole board for leniency, saying he regrets robbing two sports memorabilia dealers in Las Vegas. He says that Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman had it coming, but he should have gone easier on the ‘Vegas guys.

Marine archaeologists are excited about finding a 200 year old shipwreck 4,300 feet deep in the Gulf of Mexico. To which Carnival Cruise Lines is saying “We wondered what happened to that one.”

Facebook profits drove shares up to a 30% gain. Which is also the percentage of net worth that most shareholders had before they invested in Facebook stock.

Dunkin’ Donuts is planning on opening 45 new stores in southern California. And people said that legalizing medical marijuana wouldn’t have any benefits for the local economy.

Starbucks profit has gone up 25%. How can your profits not go up when you attach a fancy name to a cup of coffee and manage to get people to pay $5 for it?

President Obama says that Republicans are being “deadbeat” for refusing to raise the debt ceiling. Although he didn’t explain who was being deadbeat in allowing the U.S. debt to climb up to $16 Trillion in the first place.

Consumer Reports has named the Chevrolet Impala the best sedan, the first time in more than 20 years a domestic car has won. Apparently the judges were just impressed they could actually finish a test drive in an American car without having to call Triple A.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg saw his wealth go up $3.8 Billion with his company’s stock surge. Which just means he still has $10 Billion left to make up to get where he was before he bought into the company’s IPO.

Tax reform proposals sought by the Senate have been promised to be kept secret for 50 years. Sort of like their tax returns.

Tax reform proposals sought by the Senate have been promised to be kept secret for 50 years. To which most Senators saying “Taxes, you mean those things that other people have to pay?”

Zynga, the company that made Farmville saw its value drop 16% after deciding not to get into online gambling. And what bigger gamble could people make than actually putting their money into a fake farm operation?

Scientists in Britain are warning of the overwhelming cost of mental health. And that’s just people going insane from watching Simon Cowell on “Britain’s Got Talent” every week.

A report says that Australia is closing in on the U.S. in the national rate of obesity. Apparently it’s getting so bad their new tourism slogan is “Put another emu on the barbee.”

A 112 year old New York man who was born in Spain has been declared the world’s oldest man. Apparently he credits his longevity to always having to start running when someone asks to see his citizenship papers.

Louise Brown, the world’s first test tube baby has turned 35. Although she is still saddened by the fact that her mother eventually ran away with a Bunsen Burner.

A study says that many women are concerned about when they can resume regular sex after a heart attack. Doctors are telling the women they can avoid heart attacks in the first place if they would stop having sex while fantasizing about George Clooney.

A hospital in Moldova is being probed for using a power drill during surgery. Apparently they were ready to make the incision and couldn’t find the turkey carver.

A hospital in Moldova is being probed for using a power drill during surgery. Doctors were shocked. Moldovan hospitals have electricity?

A study says that smoking while pregnant may lead to behavior problems in children. So make sure to tell your child not to smoke when they get pregnant.

A study says the Moon could be the cause of some sleepless nights. Like when the moonlight allows your wife to see you sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning.

A new breathalyzer device tells people when they are burning fat  when exercising. If your breath has traces of burning fat, you don’t need more exercise. You need to quit going through a whole side of beef by yourself at your next cookout.

Heidi Klum says that recent racy photos she has posted of herself were taken by her mother. Please, do not let Anthony Weiner make the same claim.

Alec Baldwin is calling for Anthony Weiner to quit his run for New York Mayor. When Alec Baldwin is calling you out for moral reasons, it is time to really reevaluate your whole life.

Justin Bieber admits he had a crush on Selena Gomez when he was 15. So what was that, three weeks ago?

Prince Harry says his job is to keep Prince George out of harm’s way. Apparently he is hoping to do a better job than the person who had that responsibility with Prince Harry.

Prince Harry says his job is to keep Prince George out of harm’s way and make sure he has fun. In other words, he will make sure no one in the room has a cellphone when he takes him to Las Vegas.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother “Mama June” is reportedly legally blind. Well, that explains a lot about what goes on with that family.

Zynga says it has lost about half its daily users. Apparently since the economy went sour, people don’t have time to play a fake farm game because they are too busy raising their own crops in the back yard.

Anthony Weiner admits he texted three women after resigning from Congress. What’s more, it turns out the media misspelled his online name. Apparently they left a letter out of “Carlos Dangler”.

One of the women who was texted by Anthony Weiner says she is a “political junkie”. Apparently she didn’t realize that was going to end up getting her pictures of a politician’s junk.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The weekend is just about here, which means two days to dread thinking about going back to work. And to dread thinking a new batch of these jokes will be on the way Monday. It also gives you two days off to think of the best way you know how to send the love!

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